You have to admire Mitt Romney. That a man with absolutely no ability to connect with fellow human beings can succeed in modern American politics gives all of us socially awkward individuals hope. Of course, most of us don't have Super PACs to shell out millions of dollars of ads to convince people we're not really that bad or (more frequently) that at least we're better than Newt Gingrich. Most of us reading this blog are also shooting to win friends and influence people from a decidedly more sophisticated crowd than Glenn Beck's 9/12 marchers. Nonetheless, in his own uniquely perverse way, the man gives us hope through succeeding in his hopelessness.
Nobody thinks saying the
shit Mitt says is a good idea. There aren't many words, besides total douchebag, to describe a man that ingratiates himself to the good people of Michigan by discussing his wife's car-buying habits (she drives Cadillacs, plural) and praising the trees there because "they're the right height." You gotta question the taste, as well as the potentially racist motives, of a man that starts quoting
Baha Men before taking a picture with a group of black people. Do you really want a leader who claims, without provocation, that ExxonMobil is a person? That he isn't concerned about the very poor? That he's against his wife wearing
hot pants, for Brigham Young's sake?
(And that's just the tip of the iceberg. The sin that
really disqualifies him from the presidency is
his love of the Twilight series.)
Basically, Mitt Romney is fake as fuck. We can ponder this certainty with further questions- is he actually inauthentically authentic? Authentically inauthentic? Maybe even inauthentically inauthentic? (Is that even possible?)
The Hollywood Jews can pointlessly ponder what particular definition of authenticity fits Willard, because we at Highland Liberation Army are solutions-oriented strategic communicators. We got one goal- gettin' that funny-lookin' foreign fucker out of the White House. To do that, we need to solve Mitt's problem- and we have the perfect idea.
Mitt Romney, you see, has a plan. It's the greatest plan, not just of the current candidates but
of all-time, to solve the illegal immigration issue- self-deportation. This strategy basically calls for the U.S. government to make the lives of illegal immigrants so shitty they willingly return to Mexico. It's pretty ambitious policy- after all, Mexico is a pretty shitty place, the only reason any of them came to god-forsaken America in the first place- but The Robotic Mr. Romney should be just inhuman enough to git 'er done.
Sadly, some people don't see the brilliance of this plan; after all, it's never been done before. The Romney campaign must not be afraid, though. The PR specialists here at HLA have created a brilliant strategy to kill two birds with one stone*, proving his authenticity beyond doubt while quelling objections to self-deportation amongst America-hating liberals, ultimately assuring Romney even more than just the presidency of our United States of America.
It's obvious, really.
Mitt Romney should self-deport to Kolob.
Disbelieving douchebags got you down? Finding earthly campaigning too taxing? Tired of shaking hands and kissing babies from the crowds of smelly 99-percenters? KOLOB IS THE PLACE FOR YOU! This vacation destination boasts amenities and attractions only dreamed of on Earth, including florid fjords, verdant gardens with trees exactly 27.3 feet tall, seven convenient locations of
Fred's Cheapo Depot**, and nightly under-the-stars concerts from Grammy winner Shaggy. Located two exits north of the Center of the Galaxy, Kolob is to planets what Joseph Smith is to prophets: stunningly beautiful, perfectly peerless, and, like, totally AWESOME.
Why would Mitt Romney not self-deport? Kolob is to the United States what the United States is to Mexico. A trip to this beautiful star at the center of our existence would not only show those Latinos how a self-deportation is done; it also shows people that this Mormon shit is fo' shizz. Nobody will trifle Mitt once they realize he's just the earthly surrogate channeling the will of All-Powerful Crazy-Ass Mormon God. And really- what's more authentic than going to fucking heaven, just because you want to?
Today, Mitt Romney may be the out-of-touch symbol of the 1%. Tomorrow, he won't just be in the 1%; he will be The One. He will be bigger than Jesus, so big they'll re-title the musical Mitt Romney, Superstar. Nativity scenes won't feature Joseph and Mary, but Mitt and Ann and five creepy sons in the den of their New Hampshire lake house. People will even start answering the door when the missionaries knock- because you don't fuck with God, and you don't fuck with Mitt.
America has already met its Mormon Maker. Soon, they'll finally realize his identity- and our lives will never be so wretched again.***
*Considering the man we're dealing with, the more apt idiom might be "murder the two annoying wives with one bloody axe" or "baptize two million dead Holocaust victims with one perverted priestly order." We seek not to offend Mormons, though, and put this as a footnote because we all know cult members are too dumb to know what footnotes are.
**All your vices at cheaper prices!
***Of course, there's only one problem with this whole plan- Mormonism is a batshit-cray cult and Kolob does not exist. Woops! Mitt can still pull this shit off, though- even more incredible events have been faked before.
