Day 25: Euro 2012 Preview, Part Un

(Editor's Note: While American football forever remains our favorite game here at HLA, futbol is now a close second. In this spirit, we bring you a comprehensive preview of this year's European Championships, starting this Friday in beautiful Ukraine and scenic Poland. We look to highlight each team and the overpaid metrosexuals that compose them. You will be enthralled. Trust us.)

* * *

GROUP A PREVIEW

Group A features four of Europe's most outstandingly mediocre sides. Let's go through what little we know about them, starting with...

Russia - Russia is to Group A as Nick Carter is to the Backstreet Boys*: the best of a fairly dismal lot. The world took notice of the Russians after their advancement to the semifinals of the 2008 edition of this very competition; soon after, everybody started sucking and the Fightin' Putins couldn't beat fucking Slovenia for a World Cup berth. Alas, Russia is still the overwhelming favorite here because at least they have a few players most people have heard of before, even if only in contexts such as "Andrei Arshavin fucking sucks!" and "Pavlyuchenko, 'bout time you scored a goal you cunt!" and "you really want me to say Pogrebnyak?"** Yes, Arshavin fucking sucked, but at least he was up against some of the world's best at Arsenal; Russia's experience against quality competition will ensure they advance past these three not-so-quality opponents.
Chance of advancing - 87 percent.

*Yes, a Backstreet Boys analogy. One Direction would be the more timely reference, but fuck them - will any of their little brothers will ever make a song this awesome? I THINK NOT.
**Steve McManaman only.

Greece - While Russia did well in this tournament four years ago, Greece won the whole damn thing four years before that. The Greeks' shocking 2004 triumph after a series of brutal 1-0 victories pissed off, well, pretty much everybody, as a) nobody outside of Greece actually roots for Greece, and b) nobody roots for a boring underdog. That's the role Greece continues to play, using soccer's equivalent of the flexbone offense, the catenaccio, an old Italian tactic whose followers eschew trying to score goals in order to prevent opponents from doing so. Futbol has enough boring stretches as is - a team that doesn't even try to score seems a fundamental disgrace to the game. Catenaccio may give the game a bad name, but it also gives overmatched sides like Greece and Ireland a fighting chance - which Greece certainly has in this average group.

Chance of advancing - 46 percent.

Czech Republic - Maybe they advance if Petr Cech stops every shot. Considering the low quantity and quality of the shots that will come from Greece and Poland, this is a distinct possibility. The Czechs don't look strong at all, but organization and strong goalkeeping - things they surely do have - could well be all they need to advance here.

Chance of advancing - 37 percent

Poland - Oh, Poland, land where my father's mother's fathers died. You would never be in this tournament if you hadn't been chosen to host it as a favor for your fervent support of UEFA's latest corrupt power brokers. All of your good players claim German citizenship through their father's grandpa's second cousin, leaving the remaining hopeless dregs to represent your hopeless dreg of a nation. I still love and support you, Poland - that is, until you start losing and Germany starts winning. Like Miroslav Klose and Lukas Podolski, you can bet I'll jump ship soon after.

Chance of advancing - 30 percent

* * *

That's all for now - join us tomorrow for discussion of actual, talented futbol teams (Germany, The Netherlands, Portugal and Denmark) in our Group B preview!