14 in 14: Mississippi State Bulldogs

Starkville, MS does not fear the reaper.

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we kill the hopes and dreams of Mississippi State, the backwoods underdogs who just discovered Beatlemania but prefer Blue Oyster Cult instead. They may be best known for an irrational love of cowbells, but shit, at least they can beat Ole Miss, right? The road to football mediocrity begins with...

THE PLAYERS

They're not that bad, but they're not that good either. Such is the difficulty any coach has in attracting recruits to the SEC's most remote outpost.
State loses its two-headed power-running monster in QB Chris Relf and RB Vick Ballard, necessitating a change in focus on offense that may help things. Dan Mullen used Relf like the hobo's version of Tim Tebow he was: constantly running him up the gut, using straight power and option schemes. It was three yards and a cloud of dust football from a four-wide shotgun base formation. Weird, but it kinda worked.

When State played defense, the scheme looked ingenious; the Bulldogs didn't score much, but they'll sure take wins in Gainesville, no matter how ugly. The problem, of course, came when State got behind, for Relf made Tebow look like Joe Montana. The total lack of a passing game kept good State teams from getting over the 8-win hump.

This year Mullen has to replace Relf and Ballard, along with first-round DT Fletcher Cox. The QB job will go to Tyler Russell, who's been used as a statuesque pocket-passer complement to Relf in the past. He's not been great in limited regular season snaps, but maybe an offseason as the unquestioned number one will boost his confidence. He'll need to be spot on, as this squad of three-star recruits is outclassed by pretty much every non-Kentucky SEC team. That means it's up to...

THE COACHES

Tim Gunn is appaled that anyone
can even feign such happiness in
that ghastly maroon blazer.

To mold this average outfit into a winning squad. Mullen, Urban Meyer's offensive coordinator at Florida, is a fiery leader who hasn't quite shown the same propensity of playcalling genius since arriving at Mississippi State. It's hard to expect the same level of success due to the obvious disparity in talent level, but State's offenses have left some style, points, and style points to be desired.
But Mullen has excelled in building his staff and motivating his team. State rarely gets blown out even by the SEC's best teams, a minor miracle and a major improvement over the notorious Sylvester Croom era. The current staff has to prove A) that it can design a competent passing game, and B) that it can maintain a modicum of defensive excellence despite the departure of current Texas defensive coordinator Manny Diaz. Mullen hasn't proved spectacular - he hasn't been hired away by year four at Mississippi State - but competent he is. Expect them to put a decent product on the field, and get some results due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's not as tough as you think.

9/1 vs. Jackson State

9/8 vs. Auburn

9/15 @ Troy

9/22 vs. South Alabama

10/6 @ Kentucky

10/13 vs. Tennessee

10/20 vs. Middle Tennessee

10/27 @ Alabama

11/3 vs. Texas A&M

11/10 @ LSU

11/17 vs. Arkansas

11/24 @ Ole Miss(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Write "W" in pen next to Jackson State and South Alabama and in pencil next to Troy, Kentucky, Middle Tennessee and Ole Miss. That's six wins and bowl eligibility even before you write "L" in pen next to Alabama and LSU and in pencil next to Arkansas. That leaves home games against Auburn, Tennessee and Texas A&M, all more talented teams in the midst of quarterback and scheme transitions (A&M and Auburn) or general disarray (Tennessee). They'll pull at least one of those games out; don't be surprised if they take two or even three. In the end, we give the Bulldogs eight wins, which would mean another nice season for one of the peasants of the SEC.

14 in 14: Ole Miss Rebels

Today we embark on an ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We start with perennial whipping boys Ole Miss - do they and their retarded-though-politically-correct "rebel black bear" mascot have a shot this year?

#WeAreOleMiss

Let's answer the question we posed right off - of course Ole Miss has a shot! At winning four games (though even that looks unlikely at this point)! Why is this? Let's start with...

THE PLAYERS

I don't know any of them. This means either a) I'm a lazy football fan, or b) they're not very good. The answer? You probably say a), but I say b). 

It wasn't always this way in Oxford. Even three years ago, moderately big names like Mike Wallace and Dexter McCluster suited up in red and navy, if only to be underutilized by the sometimes-savant, always-idiot Houston Nutt. Wallace, McCluster, Jevan Snead and co., all brought in by previous mouthbreather-in-chief Ed Orgeron, had some success under Nutt, who was a massive coaching upgrade by virtue of owning a few working brain cells. 

However, Orgeron is as good at recruiting as he is bad at coaching, and Nutt's armies of JUCO transfers couldn't cut it after the previous regime's pipeline ran dry. After two 9-4 seasons in Nutt's first two years, Ole Miss finished 4-8 in 2010 and a hapless 2-10 last year. Something had to change, which brings us to...

THE COACHES

They're all new, starting with head honcho Hugh Freeze. The man better known as Michael Oher's high school coach has done some hard time in Oxford before, brought in by along with his prized recruit as Orgeron's tight ends coach. After that short stint Freeze was fantastically successful...at the NAIA level with something called Lambuth. Arkansas State brought him on as offensive coordinator in 2010 and promoted him to head coach last year, where he led the Red Wolves to an 11-2 overall record, going undefeated in the Sun Belt and winning the GoDaddy.com Bowl, which is a real thing that exists!

It's a highly successful, though light, resume, and one with teams that play exciting, up-tempo football. Freeze has succeeded everywhere except his stint at Ole Miss, which was hardly his fault. Yet Freeze's brief marches through the NAIA and Sun Belt won't intimidate even his worst SEC counterparts. Maybe he can duplicate that lower-level success in the toughest conference in college football; it's more likely he can't, and that's in no small part due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's realllllllllllly fucking hard.

9/1 vs. Central Arkansas

9/8 vs. UTEP

9/15 vs. Texas

9/22 @ Tulane

9/29 @ Alabama

10/6 vs. Texas A&M

10/13 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. Arkansas

11/3 @ Georgia

11/10 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 @ LSU

11/24 vs. Mississippi State

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Even this is a little bit generous - Central Arkansas is the only sure win on this schedule. UTEP, while no pushover, is a mediocre C-USA team that should fall in Oxford; Tulane, a bad C-USA team, should also lose in an epic snoozefest. Losses to either of them could get fans grumbling, and it doesn't get any easier after that - Ole Miss faces arguably the toughest five week stretch in the country, with contests against A&M, Auburn and Arkansas bookended by road games at Alabama and Georgia. Four of the five are sure losses.

Add in tough home games against Texas and Vandy and a trip to LSU and you have six sure losses, two likely losses (A&M and Vandy) and a tossup rivalry game at home against a better Mississippi State team, and we officially project Ole Miss at three wins for 2012. They almost attain the impossible dream of a .333 winning percentage. Alas, .250 will have to do.

Why can't this be the new Ole Miss mascot?

It's not your fault, Ole Miss, that you're in the toughest division of the toughest conference in college football. It's not your fault, Hugh Freeze, that you have to fix this mess at a school with comparatively little fan and athletic department support. Just realize that it will be your fault in three years, and for the sake of your paychecks and well-being, I hope you get it together. Until your football misery subsides, just remember the fabulous things you do have: tailgaiting and brunettes. Life doesn't seem so bad anymore. Things could be worse indeed.

Spain Reign, World Naps

Spain are to futbol what Alabama is to football: boring, villainous, and undeniably successful.

La Furia Roja, champions of Europe and the world, have held opponents goalless for 900 straight minutes in the knockout stages of major tournaments, winning nine straight matches in the leadup to Sunday's European Championship final. It's hard to lose when the other guys don't score, of course, but Spain rarely rip the nets themselves, racking up four straight 1-0 wins en route to raising the 2010 World Cup. In this tournament Spain have rarely threatened goal, taking 110 minutes to create a clear chance against a mediocre Portugal side before escaping yet again in penalties.

Looking at those scorelines, it's hard to understand why pundits hail Spain as a free-flowing marvel, a testament to attacking football, an all-conquering wonderteam that mere mortals don't understand. Whatever. Us lazy Americans will take more goals plz.

You certainly can't blame Spain's individuals for lulling you to sleep, for they've shown a capacity to play exciting football in the past. Ten of Spain's starting 11 are among the world's best at their positions: the indomitable Iker Casillas, a stone wall in goal; Sergio Ramos and Gerard Pique, center backs with moves that make most attackers jealous; Jordi Alba, the man who somehow covers left back and left wing simultaneously; Sergio Busquets, the whining anchorman who kills everything beautiful the opposition starts; and Xavi, Xabi, Iniesta, Silva, and Cesc, midfield maestros extraordinaire. (So sorry, but you suck, Alvaro Arbeloa!) 

All of these players can pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass the ball all day and all night, pass the ball till Queen Elizabeth finally dies, pass the ball for fun, pass the ball for other guys to shoot, but mostly pass the ball so the other team can't pass it. They are all also smallish, slow and mediocre at finishing. A quintet of sublime chance creators is all good and well, but rendered somewhat redundant without a top-notch chance finisher, the one thing Spain lack in the absence of injured David Villa and circa-2008 Fernando Torres.

Coach Vicente del Bosque realizes this and tailored his strategy to his side's aforementioned passing strength. When Spain take the pitch, they play a game more resembling keepaway than high-level soccer. In the end, the Spanish possess the ball at least 60% of the time, closer to 70% in most cases - but this comes at the expense of any form of attacking thrust. The pass masters move the ball forward at a snail's pace, passing sideways and backwards many times along the way. So the ball skids back and forth along the grass in these endless, hypnotic triangles.

But it never hits the back of the net. For either team.

That's the genius of del Bosque's strategy - although his team seem unlikely to score, they at least maintain a nominal chance by holding so much of the ball. Other teams, knowing they'll have so few opportunities to construct successful attacks, often seem defeated before stepping on the pitch. Looking at the results, you can hardly blame them.

Spain plays the beautiful game as beautifully as any side ever has, but not in the traditional, visual sense. The beauty lies in the strategic vision ruthlessly executed by a ruthless group of players. They control every pass, strangle every opponent, win every game. 

You just wish they did so without curing insomnia along the way.

In Which I Kinda Sorta Apologize to LeBron James

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE HEAT FUCKING SUCK. MAYBE IT WAS ALL KIND OF PREDICTABLE. I MEAN BASKETBALL IS A TEAM SPORT YOU NEED TO HAVE FIVE BODIES ON THE COURT AND THREE CAN BE REALLY FUCKING AWESOME BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE FOURTH AND FIFTH ARE WARM CORPSES KNOWN AS 'SHANE BATTIER' AND 'JUWAN HOWARD.' SMH, MIAMI HEAT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES" - 5 June 2012

The Miami Heat are NBA champions, and I don't want to live in this world anymore.

Actually, though, I'm OK with it, not because this result is a joyous one, but because it's a natural one. LeBron James is the most talented (ahem, but not the greatest) basketball player we ever have and ever will see. He should win MVP awards and NBA championships. (Not one, not two, not three . . . ok, three championships sounds about right.) No matter that he's a narcissistic douchebag that left his hometown high and dry, that he subscribes to the somewhat shameful "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality, that he refers to himself as royalty, that stupid "Chosen 1" tattoo, that he wears two headbands to cover his Wayne Rooney-esque hairline. He may be despicable off the court, but now even Skip Bayless can't deny how fantastic he is on it.

For Heat haters like myself (i.e. all of America and probably even 50% of Miami) it's time to get used to that picture above. Because as much as LeBron has been vilified, here and elsewhere, he shows up to play every single time. That triple doubles often feel like disappointments speaks not only to James' unfair talent but also to the consistent application of it; his domination of games has become so regular it now seems almost banal. 

The best players usually win. Time to (begrudgingly) accept destiny. 

You did it, LeBron. Congratulations*, I guess. 

(*HOWEVER - in order to join the true pantheon of basketball champions, one must excel not only on the court but also on the silver screen. So what you've got the first part down? You're still never gonna top the true Hollywood greats...)

Amanda Bieber: Worst Person in the World

THE FOLLOWING are selected tweets from notorious Twitter troll Amanda "@MandaSwaggie" Bieber. As they are deeply graphic in nature, reader discretion is advised. If you cry into and/or vomit on your keyboard, ruining it in the process, Highland Liberation Army is exempt from any replacement fees. That said, we encourage you to vomit and cry, for humanity is so, so fucked. At least we all only have a few months left, because if this is what things are coming to I'm drinking all of Jim Jones' Kool-Aid.

(You proud? I CAN USE FANCY HIPSTER JOURNALISTIC TOOL! #ItsWhyIGetLaidSoMuch #JournalismIs4Rockstars)

Yoshimi Battles The Purple Japandroids

Good day, reader. Right now I bet you're surrounded by vaguely sad middle-class white people. America! One of those vaguely sad middle-class white people is probably you. Awesome! I am too. Let's distract ourselves from taking any action to improve our mediocre lives by writing/reading/vacantlystaringat another paragraph.

We at HLA have given up any current or future attempts at prolific posting here, as every time we promise we fail miserably, though this time I got like two weeks in or something. Understand that this blog will forever remain at the periphery of your Intertube-perusing activities.

Now is the point where you ask yourself why the hell you kept reading this far. I said nothing you didn't already know. I am sorry for this. I don't say anything I don't already know, which is why this blog is so shitty. So go on your way to download some good gifs, drink a warm bottle of wine, even listen to that shitty fun. album if you must. Just remember that I ♥ U. Forever.

Smart People Discuss Politics

"You know, I think it’s about envy. I think it’s about class warfare. When you have a President encouraging the idea of dividing America based on the 99 percent versus 1 percent—and those people who have been most successful will be in the 1 percent—you have opened up a whole new wave of approach in this country which is entirely inconsistent with the concept of one nation under God. The American people, I believe in the final analysis, will reject it." - Mitt Romney

"Taking a quick trip through Twitter reveals that the same people who don't trust the government to verify that their food, drink and pharmaceuticals aren't deadly, to teach their children or to administer their healthcare are—as is the case with at least 100,000 Iraqis and counting—absolutely king-shit stoked to let the U.S. government decide when to murder the fuck out of non-white people." - Mobutu Sese Seko

"It is considered declasse in our higher politics to mention this, but there actually is a class war underway in America, and it doesn't need politicians to stoke it. It happens in millions of battles every day, over mortgages, and college loans, and retirement, and the granite-like impassibility of the country's elites in the face of what's happening to the great mass of people. Now, it's possible that our firmly purchased political system may be able to continue to divert the energies of that war in the directions most amenable to maintaining the status quo. (Blame the black people, the regulators, the drum circles, public school teachers, the Community Reinvestment Act, Van Jones!) But, sooner or later, someone's going to be desperate enough - or bold enough - to grab that energy and ride it to glory, and we all better goddamn hope that person has a good heart, because those kind of things can go awfully badly wrong. What the Wall Street casino is playing with is not house money. It belongs to all of us. They are gambling not merely with currency, but with the stability of the political system. Someone is going to pay." - Charlie Pierce

- Yours Truly

Day 26: The Pussycat Dolls of Basketball

(Those Euro 2012 previews I promised? FUCK 'EM - go read these instead. Mr. Zonal Marking has forgotten more about football than I will ever know. Now, on to more pressing matters...)

The Miami Heat are not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, but one game away from playoff elimination. 

Let's bask in the schadenfreude for a bit. 

Ready to go on? Hold on just one more second . . .

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE HEAT FUCKING SUCK. MAYBE IT WAS ALL KIND OF PREDICTABLE. I MEAN BASKETBALL THIS IS A TEAM SPORT RIGHT YOU NEED TO HAVE FIVE BODIES ON THE COURT AND THREE CAN BE REALLY FUCKING AWESOME BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE FOURTH AND FIFTH ARE WARM CORPSES KNOWN AS "SHANE BATTIER" AND "JUWAN HOWARD." 

TOO BAD THE TEAM IS IN THE HANDS OF A VAGUELY ASIAN VIDEO EDITOR WHO KNOWS WAY MORE ABOUT iMOVIE THAN DEFENDING THE PICK AND ROLL. YOU CAN HAVE THREE GREAT PLAYERS AVAILABLE BUT NO ONE OF THEM GOT A BOOBOO ON HIS TUMMY A FEW WEEKS AGO LET'S NOT CAPITULATE TO HIS DEMANDS TO PLAY AND LEAVE HIM ON THE BENCH THE WHOLE FOURTH QUARTER. 48 MORE MINUTES TILL YOU BETTER LEARN TO SURF MIAMI CRAIGSLIST COACH SPO.

AND REALLY, THE MIAMI HEAT? DAVID STERN, MASTER CONSPIRATOR, YOU COULDN'T FIND A WAY TO BRING THESE ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION TALENTS TO A CITY THAT ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT BASKETBALL? GAMES IN MIAMI ARE LIKE WEIRD KKK RALLIES. JUST 20,000 OLD CAUCASIANS ALL GATHERED CLOSE TOGETHER AND DRESSED IN WHITE TO REACT WITH INDIFFERENCE TO THE AMAZING ATHLETIC FEATS OF NINE SUPREMELY TALENTED AFRICAN AMERICANS AND MIKE MILLER. THE WEIRD THING IS YOUR COLOR SCHEME DOESN'T EVEN INCLUDE WHITE, BUT IT DOES HAVE A BUNCH OF PRIMARY COLORS, JUST LIKE EVERY UNCREATIVE AFRICAN NATION EVER. THE ONLY REASON YOU DON'T BELONG ON THE SAME COURT AS THE CELTICS IS BECAUSE YOUR UNIFORM IS SO UGLY.

REALLY YOU'RE JUST THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS OF BASKETBALL. NICOLE SCHERZINGER/LEBRON JAMES, THEY'RE OK, SUPPORTING CAST, MEH. A REALLY HOT SOLO ARTIST AND FIVE UNTALENTED AND AVERAGE LOOKING WHITE GIRLS A SUPERGROUP DOES NOT MAKE, AND NEITHER DOES LEBRON JAMES AND DWYANE WADE AND CHRIS BOSH AND FUCKING NORRIS COLE AND JOEL ANTHONY. 

BUT AT LEAST ALL THE MEDIOCRE TALENT OF PCD CAME TOGETHER FOR ONE SUBLIME MOMENT. THE HEAT CAN ONLY WISH TO PRODUCE SUCH A PERFECT ARTISTIC EMBODIMENT OF HUMANITY'S ETERNAL JEALOUSY OF HOT GIRLS. 

SMH, MIAMI HEAT. AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU, I KIND OF HOPE YOU WIN JUST SO ESPN CAN SHUT UP ABOUT YOU. HAHAHAHAHAHA NO, I TAKE THAT BACK, I HOPE YOU LOSE ON THURSDAY AND EVERY GAME NEXT SEASON AND GET BANISHED TO A REUNION TOUR IN CLEVELAND. I DON'T WISH THAT TYPE OF PUNISHMENT ON MANY, BUT IF ANYONE EVER DESERVED THAT, IT'S YOU LOSERS. GO FUCK YOURSELVES. 

(This may all seem a bit harsh, Miami, but you should know this is my favorite song. #GoFINS)

Day 25: Euro 2012 Preview, Part Un

(Editor's Note: While American football forever remains our favorite game here at HLA, futbol is now a close second. In this spirit, we bring you a comprehensive preview of this year's European Championships, starting this Friday in beautiful Ukraine and scenic Poland. We look to highlight each team and the overpaid metrosexuals that compose them. You will be enthralled. Trust us.)

* * *

GROUP A PREVIEW

Group A features four of Europe's most outstandingly mediocre sides. Let's go through what little we know about them, starting with...

Russia - Russia is to Group A as Nick Carter is to the Backstreet Boys*: the best of a fairly dismal lot. The world took notice of the Russians after their advancement to the semifinals of the 2008 edition of this very competition; soon after, everybody started sucking and the Fightin' Putins couldn't beat fucking Slovenia for a World Cup berth. Alas, Russia is still the overwhelming favorite here because at least they have a few players most people have heard of before, even if only in contexts such as "Andrei Arshavin fucking sucks!" and "Pavlyuchenko, 'bout time you scored a goal you cunt!" and "you really want me to say Pogrebnyak?"** Yes, Arshavin fucking sucked, but at least he was up against some of the world's best at Arsenal; Russia's experience against quality competition will ensure they advance past these three not-so-quality opponents.
Chance of advancing - 87 percent.

*Yes, a Backstreet Boys analogy. One Direction would be the more timely reference, but fuck them - will any of their little brothers will ever make a song this awesome? I THINK NOT.
**Steve McManaman only.

Greece - While Russia did well in this tournament four years ago, Greece won the whole damn thing four years before that. The Greeks' shocking 2004 triumph after a series of brutal 1-0 victories pissed off, well, pretty much everybody, as a) nobody outside of Greece actually roots for Greece, and b) nobody roots for a boring underdog. That's the role Greece continues to play, using soccer's equivalent of the flexbone offense, the catenaccio, an old Italian tactic whose followers eschew trying to score goals in order to prevent opponents from doing so. Futbol has enough boring stretches as is - a team that doesn't even try to score seems a fundamental disgrace to the game. Catenaccio may give the game a bad name, but it also gives overmatched sides like Greece and Ireland a fighting chance - which Greece certainly has in this average group.

Chance of advancing - 46 percent.

Czech Republic - Maybe they advance if Petr Cech stops every shot. Considering the low quantity and quality of the shots that will come from Greece and Poland, this is a distinct possibility. The Czechs don't look strong at all, but organization and strong goalkeeping - things they surely do have - could well be all they need to advance here.

Chance of advancing - 37 percent

Poland - Oh, Poland, land where my father's mother's fathers died. You would never be in this tournament if you hadn't been chosen to host it as a favor for your fervent support of UEFA's latest corrupt power brokers. All of your good players claim German citizenship through their father's grandpa's second cousin, leaving the remaining hopeless dregs to represent your hopeless dreg of a nation. I still love and support you, Poland - that is, until you start losing and Germany starts winning. Like Miroslav Klose and Lukas Podolski, you can bet I'll jump ship soon after.

Chance of advancing - 30 percent

* * *

That's all for now - join us tomorrow for discussion of actual, talented futbol teams (Germany, The Netherlands, Portugal and Denmark) in our Group B preview!

Day 18-24: We Try Again

Woops.

Turns out I'm a lazy motherfucker who can't come up with any more topics to pompously discuss. You, the reader, understood this far before I.

But you, the reader, will have to start dealing with it again, if you wish, as I'm gonna try this thing again. We will talk about Euro 2012! We will preview the coming year in SEC football! We will discuss generally uninteresting liberal artsy things too!

I see that boner in your pants, reader. Don't worry. You should be that excited.