HLA PRESENTS: An Official NFL Mock Draft from Special Guest Rick Santorum

(Fearless Leader's note: HLA has a long tradition of giving you, the readers that don't give a shit about the NFL, the highest-quality draft analysis from some of the Internet's most erudite football bloggers. Indeed, the tradition of guest posts goes beyond Mr. Miyagi's star turn here before the 2010 Draft; Lamar the Yak's movie reviews have driven thousands of young people looking for an image of a retarded yak to our post featuring one of the best synopses of Remember Me ever written. Though we were unable to welcome any guest contributors prior to last year's NFL Draft, this year we've snagged our biggest star yet: recent Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum! In addition to his political bona fides, Mr. Santorum also coached his son's flag football team this one time. Don't believe me? Just google his last name. You won't be disappointed. This. Man. Knows. Football. So without further ado, I present to you: the future Leader of the Free World, Mr. Richard John Santorum, Esq.)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, thank you. Please. You can stop clapping now. No, seriously, Angela Michael, it's OK. No need to cry. I'm not God. Really. Seriously. Promise? Good.

Thank you, so so much, for that warm welcome. It's so great to be back in the fine state of Highland. Last time I was here you were dealing with the firing of your football coach after he got caught screwing an underage girl in his car. Being from Pennsylvania, you may be aware of a similar situation we recently went through. The only football coach head I care about is the one on top of the neck, the one that makes playcalls, but I guess our society is obsessed with the penis head now. It is what it is. Regardless, that whole Penn State thing has really helped me appreciate the resilience you guys have shown in the wake of that scandal just a few years ago. 

Now, just indulge in this tangent for a few seconds, OK? Because man: I still can't believe Joe Paterno raped and murdered all those little boys. Mostly the raped part. I mean, dude was old as fuck. Born sometime during the early stages of the Jurassic Period. I'm only 53 and can just barely get wood. He was millions of years old and apparently could just get an erection anytime he wanted. Maybe Viagra was making some special shit for him. Maybe he was dead all along and evil zombies just have constant boners. Whatever the case, dude was amazing.

Anyway, you know, I just remembered, you guys didn't just have that debacle; your head coach for the four years after that was Ron Fucking Holt. Holy shit! Man, that's just...man. Wow. Y'all don't just have rainstorms here, you get torrential downpours of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter falling from the sky. Let me apologize, but reiterate that your current Fearless Leader, even though he's an Obama supporter, that guy knows what the fuck he's doing. Stay strong, Kalen. You got it.

Point is, high school and college football? That shit cray. The NFL is more like a fish filet. And shit, do I love the tartar sauce on Mickey D's Filet-O-Fishes. The flavor vaguely reminiscent of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter. Yeah. Let's talk bout the fish filet some more instead, shall we?

I've got a confession, you guys. I've always loved balls. Small balls, big balls, round balls, oblong balls, basketballs, bocce balls, Top Flite golf balls, descending balls, and especially testicles. But I love footballs the most out of any kind of balls. The feel of the smooth yet weathered leather on my cool caressing hand. The majestic spiral floating heavenward and back down into the grasp of a Greek god, the grasp my own balls so long to feel. The rich mahogany color reminiscent of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter. I fell in love with football because of the ball. I stayed in love because my affairs with Mike Tomlin and Bobby Petrino demanded it. Those guys have no emotions, and I had to have something to talk with them about before we made a sweet, frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.

Now that I've studied enough footballs, I've moved on to learning the finer points of the game. I started studying the NFL Draft for the same reason as you all, I'm sure: young black guys in suits kinda turn me on. Over time, I've moved on from just constantly jerking off during the draft to really understanding its intricacies, making me uniquely qualified to present to you today this 100% guaranteed 2012 NFL Mock Draft.

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RICK SANTORUM'S 2012 NFL MOCK DRAFT

1. Indianapolis Colts: Ryan Tannehill, QB/Texas A&M

• In case you guys haven't figured out yet, I'm a master at what the young folks call "trolling." I mean, I say I hate the gays, but there's nothing I love more than a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter spewing from a man's anus, though I think the best trolling I ever did was telling the kids we'd be bringing home their new baby brother only to show up with a cuddly little corpse instead. Yeah, that was a good one. So I think the Colts need to be more like me and fuck with the rest of the NFL a little bit. The fact that they've announced Luck as their pick would just add to the stupendous trolliness of it all. Plus, Tannehill is a gym rat coach's son with moxie to burn, and that's all you need to make it in this league and this world.

2. Washington Redskins: Chief Joseph, DE/Nez Perce Tribe

• I think it's really admirable that this group of native Americans can still party like it's 1877 by getting together and plotting to destroy white folk. The whole red skin-only policy kinda limits the selection though, dooming this team to fruitless futility forever. That said, I think this Joseph character could be a special one. He tends to retreat when times get rough, not necessarily what you want in a pass rusher, but he's got all the burst and twitch to make blockers miss.

3. Minnesota Vikings: Andrew Luck, QB/Stanford

• These guys think Christian Ponder is a franchise quarterback? Yeah, and Ron Paul still thinks he's gonna be President! The Vikings need a signal caller to believe in so they can be good upon arrival in Los Angeles; however, it looks like Matt Kalil will be the pick instead.

4. Cleveland Browns: LeBron James, TE/Miami (FL)

• This guy hasn't played football in a while, but man, he has all the makings of the vertical threat that Pat Shurmur can misuse in five yard crossing routes. (Of course, the Browns need a guy to throw the dinks and dunks as well, which means Tannehill will probably come off the board here.)

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Morris Claiborne, CB/LSU

• You mean...Ronde Barber...he's...still...alive??? Got DAMN, son, that guy's future in football is shorter than Newt Gingrich's in politics! Better get a sufficiently dyslexic replacement while the gettings there! Claiborne wholly fits the bill.

6. St. Louis Rams: Trent Richardson, RB/Alabama*

• Richardson may be the best college back since Adrian Peterson, but the Rams take him here for his grooming skills. His work with those immaculate dreadlocks leads me to believe he could work wonders grooming Jeff Fisher's mustache. (Also: ROLL TIDE!)

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Robert Griffin III, QB/Baylor

• So I'm gonna tell y'all a little joke real quick, OK? Blaine Gabbert. Uhm...uh...why aren't you laughing, guys? BLAINE MOTHERFUCKING GABBERT! (crowd erupts in hysterical laughter) Now that's more like it. No guy from District 12, the land of meth and puppy mills formerly known as "Missouri,"will ever make it anywhere in life, no matter what they say about that journalism school there. I mean, they'll probably take Justin Blackmon, but what use will he be when the ball flies ten yards over his head every pass? They need to get a new QB instead.

8. Miami Dolphins: T-Pain, FB/Florida State

• The greatest football team selects the greatest blocking back available in this draft. While this fullback spends most of his time on boats and has this weird-ass voice, he packs a wallop coming out of the backfield. Though the front office may elect for Michael Floyd instead, I'd hesitate to pass up this once-in-a-generation artistic talent.

9. Carolina Panthers: Luke Kuechly, LB/Boston College

• What did I say earlier? Grit + moxie + gym rat = limitless potential. Having white skin guarantees all three, of course. That's why Carolina's gotta pick Kuechly.

10. Buffalo Bills: Riley Reiff, OT/Iowa

• With this pick, I pay homage to the state that made me famous. Iowa, I love you and your corn-fed, short-armed linemen. Since folks in the Hawkeye State are used to being underappreciated, good ol' Riley will fit right in with Chan Gailey in upstate New York.

11. Kansas City Chiefs: Dontari Poe, DT/Memphis

• This guy is 6'4", 350 pounds. He's gotta have some SERIOUS ass. And if there's one thing besides grit and moxie that guarantees success in life, it's great ass. Never mind that Poe sucked for a sucky team in college; the Law of Ass guarantees the fulfillment of his potential.

12. Seattle Seahawks: Quinton Coples, DE/North Carolina

• Same thing as Poe, just less stupendous ass, so his career will be less stupendous. But only slightly.

13. Arizona Cardinals: David DeCastro, G/Stanford

• What's a smart young man like this doing playing football? He should go design that moon colony Newt's been planning instead.

14. Dallas Cowboys: Mark Barron, S/Alabama*

• HEY! HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS!! ROLL TIDE!!!

15. Philadelphia Eagles: Courtney Upshaw, OLB/Alabama*

• HEY, PAWWWWLLLL! ROLL TIDE AGAIN!!!

16. New York Jets: Melvin Ingram, DE/South Carolina

• You can't help but love this guy's feet, which makes him perfect for Rex Ryan. We've talked a little bit, and even though I still find that fetish a little weird, I can get behind other people doing it. It's why I love this pick so much. Get ready for more sexy, Rexy.

17. Cincinnati Bengals: Cordy Glenn, G/Georgia

• Mark Richt moulds 'em right down there. More tremendous, fat lineman ass.

18. San Diego Chargers: Michael Brockers, DT/LSU

• Yeah, whatevs. Norv Turner fucking sucks. Who cares? Next.

19. Chicago Bears: Coby Fleener, TE/Stanford

• You mean...his name...is...Coby...and he's not black? Got DAMN, son, his wigger parents should be ashamed of themselves and their baby naming abilities!

20. Tennessee Titans: Dre Kirkpatrick, CB/Alabama*

• WOOHOO ROLL MOTHERFUCKING TIDE BITCHES!!!

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Janoris Jenkins, CB/North Alabama

• Now this guy has baby naming ability! Having four kids by 22 is impressive enough, but bestowing beautiful monikers like Janoris Jenkins Jr., Janorian, Legend, and Paris upon them? That's special, man. Natural talent. (Also - does North Alabama qualify for a "Roll Tide?")

22. Cleveland Browns: Rueben Randle, WR/LSU

• Another vertical threat for Pat Shurmur to not use, Randle will excel at dropping every seven yard curl route thrown his way.

23. Detroit Lions: Stephon Gilmore, CB/South Carolina

• I'm suspicious of this young black man. That family portrait looks nice, but man, I'd be shooting every one of 'em if they came walking down my street. (But only if they had Skittles, of course. The taste of the rainbow is the only thing almost as intoxicating as the taste of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.)

24. Pittsburgh Steelers: Donta Hightower, LB/Alabama*

• This is my last one for the day, so Ima make it count: RROOOOLLLLLLLL TTTTIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

25. Denver Broncos: Jerel Worthy, DT/Michigan State

• The Broncos have Peyton Manning now, so really they could just put nine stiffs out on defense and get to the AFC Championship. But if they wanna try on defense, that's cool too, I guess.

26. Houston Texans: Ron Paul, K/Gettysburg College

• The Texans are a solid team, but they lack two things: a consistent kicker and a gynecologist who can properly insert Wade Phillips' tampons. This 76-year-old does both extremely well, and though he may not have a long career, the Texans are looking to win now. This is definitely the pick. (Unless Kendall Wright is available, of course.)

27. New England Patriots: Whitney Mercilus, DE/Illinois**

• Dammit, those heathens at the University of Illinois. They rejected me, but in my mind I knew I was better than them all along. How can anyone named after a singing cocaine addict and coached by Ron Zook be an effective NFL lineman? Those Patriots always seem to draft good, but this pick...man, I dunno. Looks doomed if you ask me.

28. Green Bay Packers: Shea McClellin, OLB/Boise State

• White guy. Idaho. Grit. Moxie. Next Clay Matthews. Has to be.

29. Baltimore Ravens: Peter Konz, C/Wisconsin

• Though grit and moxie are the most important traits for most positions, offensive linemen succeed based on dairy consumption. It's why the guys that come from Wisconsin are the best.

30. San Francisco 49ers: Kevin Zeitler, G/Wisconsin

• Ditto.

31. New England Patriots: Mitt Romney, TE/BYU

• I can vouch for you: this Mormon truly does have a tight end. I loved slapping that ass in the green room during our debates. Man, I miss those times. Even though he's kind of a cuntface, he'll work well with noted asshat Bill Belichick. Redemption for New England here.

32. New York Giants: Amini Silatolu, OT/Midwestern State

• Apparently this Midwestern State is located in Texas? I'll have to take a note of that. Didn't know Texas was Midwestern. Will have Karen tell the kids after Dead Fetus Picturebook Time during homeschool.

* * *

MAN. Well, that was pretty exhausting, huh guys? But now you know everything you need to know about the Draft coming up tomorrow, and that knowledge is far more important than, say, a basic understanding of human decency or sensible tax policy. And with that I say: God Bless you all, God Bless the National Football League, God Bless Coach Jon Gruden, God Bless the United States of America, and, of course, God Bless the Highland St. Paul Angela Michael Anti-Dead Baby White Person Catholic Broken Condom Mistake Jamahiriyah!

*Final count: #RollTide - 5, #WarEagle - 0. Sadface.

**Final count: #Illini - 1, #Mizzou - 0. Fuck the world.

Tempus Fugit

Contrary to what you believe, this blog has readers. One in Champaign, one in St. Louis, and (according to Google Analytics) one in Omaha. So you, Omaha reader, just know: you are not alone! (Also: I'm stalking you! This is the chief purpose fulfilled by modern technology.)

You readers demand high quality content, which (of course) I always deliver. The problem, though, is the eternity between deliveries. Sixteen days is way too long to make my bros wait, but alas, 200-page cross-cultural journalism projects intervene sometimes.

This place serves no purpose. None of its content matters. It makes no immediate impact. Yet in this void of uselessness a purpose does appear. 

The more I read, the more I realize I can't write worth jack shit. Though writers may appear fully formed upon their emergence into public consciousness, they weren't born that way. They first have to read and write and read and write and maybe type out every word of The Great Gatsby and probably do some actual work for actual money on the side and come home every night and read and write some more. 

I try to remember this whenever I promise to blog more frequently but always end up forgetting. Doing that econ homework or researching for that project matters much more in the now than any silly post here. But you only learn how to write more good through a helluva lotta practice. That time you spend staying useless is what makes you the most useful writer you can be. And if you wanna make a hobby and, God forbid, a career out of filling blank computer screens with words, you sure as fuck better practice.

I don't. I need to. I will.

See y'all sooner than two weeks from now. (Maybe).

Fear and Loathing in Chambana: May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor

Last weekend, yours truly fearlessly drove a 1998 Mercury Sable without a working gas gauge thousands of miles from Highland to The Eighth Wonder of the World, the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (UIUC).

Needless to say, while there we killed people, burned shit, and fucked school.

There were a lot of things I wanted to do that I didn't. I wanted to pass a level 11 song on Dance Dance Revolution. I wanted to protest the introductory press conference of new basketball coach John Groce (more on him at a later date). I wanted to ask every Asian I passed "Hu's your professor?" because apparently that question can get quite complicated. I wanted to drink some wine and snort copious amounts of cocaine.

Sadly, none of these happened. I have not played DDR in years and thus miserably failed at even the easiest songs. My mother forced me to stay in Highland to support my badass little bro at his first track meet, so I could not infiltrate the press corps at Groce's introduction. I was too busy raffing at all the Asians studying on the weekend to ask them such politically incorrect questions. And as for the imbibing, we did that vicariously through The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down, my favorite independent film of 2006.

But the best part of this trip was obviously our time spent fapping to the love story of breadmaker Peeta Mellark and archeress Katniss Everdeen during The Hunger Games*. I would have preferred Kristen Stewart appeared somewhere in the movie (nothing sexier than a monotone voice and face made of stone), but drunk Woody Harrelson and creepy Lenny Kravitz more than made up for the story, you know, not being  nearly as enthralling and beautiful as Twilight.

UIUC is the weirdest place you could ever hope to be. You have about 20,000 forever-arone Asians**, another 20,000 whitebread fratstars and sorostitutes, and all ten people from Highland somewhere in between. That bizarre mix and the massssssssive campus (though the place has a real, functional bus system, something we at Mizzou are too good for) turned me off from going there, I do not mean to dismiss UIUC. 

No - the world needs UIUC. We need its thousands of engineering graduates to repair our nation's crumbling buildings during President McCubbins' Second New Deal. We need its weekend library dwellers to make us feel better about our own pathetic lives. We need its shitty TV channel to entertain us at 3 AM. We need the denizens of its Rec Room to film the next hit weight loss infomercial. We need its athletic programs to make the rest of the B1G look good, and we need the B1G to make the SEC look like the greatest collection of schools ever assembled in the history of mankind***. We need its women to wear yoga pants 24/7/365 and to remove them while in the close company of one Ricky Newcomb.

We need it to keep living up to that status - The Eighth Wonder of the World.

*Later, we found a group of Beanie Babies have already shot a far superior remake.

**Of course, many whites fit the forever-arone description, and a few Asians are in the Greek system. We just seek to reinforce racial stereotypes and make easy generalizations through our in-text depiction. This is all we're good at. Don't take it away from us.

***Which, of course, is totally true. #RollTide #WarEagle #WooPigSooey #GoStephenGarcia #GatorFansWearJortz