14 in 14: Vanderbilt Commodores

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we move to Nashville, where Vanderbilt is riding high after last year's 6-7 finish. Seriously, they don't even have an athletic department, so it's not half bad! Can the 'Dores build upon this newfound momentum? We'll blindly speculate here, first by examining...

THE PLAYERS

Cornelius Vanderbilt - founder
of the university, moderately
important person occasionally
mentioned in AP US History.

They're getting better, I guess! Though the triple whammy of awful competitive history, outdated facilities and comparatively ridiculous academic standards will forever hamper Vandy's recruiting, new coach James Franklin has sold the program hard on the trail, and with some success too. Writers everywhere laud the Commodores' bounty of one four-star recruit in the 2012 class. This is progress!

Though Vandy still lags behind all but Kentucky in recruiting, they can more than make up for lack of athleticism with intelligence and good coaching. Who do you trust to execute a playbook: Houston Nutt's barely coherent army of JUCO transfers or Vandy's douchenozzle three-star QB that apparently pulled a 36 on his ACT? Let me remind you that playbooks are complicated things. Being able to read helps! The sustained success of Northwestern and Stanford proves these chickenshit theories, right?

Though Franklin hasn't yet overhauled the previous regime's decimated roster, Aaron Rodgers' brother is a nice piece to build around. Jordan sure as hell ain't his brother, but we already judge him the best QB in school history because really Jay Cutler is a fucking asshole so no. In the 10 or so Vandy snaps I watched, no individual really impressed, but none stood out for the wrong reasons either. That's a compliment to...

THE COACHES

While we like James Franklin the coach, James Franklin
the quarterback is pictured here instead due to his
undeniable sex appeal.

It's easy to forget that James Franklin was, at best, Vandy's second choice for it's head coaching position. The school ponied up a sizable chunk of change to lure Gus Malzahn, but he wisely declined after Miss Cleo revealed his dream job, Arkansas State, would open the winter after.

(ARKANSAS STATE. THE ULTIMATE DESTINATION JOB. As part of your contract, you get a sweet home on the lake at the country club. That you're in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and coaching a titan of the Sun Belt? And making less than your coordinator job at Auburn? NO-BRAINER! JK we love Gus and wish him well.)

In the end, the little-known former Maryland OC got the nod in Nashville, surprising the college football world with his tough talk. Bruce Feldman in particular loved the guy, yet Bruce also wrote a book about how awesome Ed Orgeron was at recruiting. The proclamations and bravado seemed like hopeless romanticism at best and downright stupid at worst. And then Vandy improved from 2-10 to 6-6. Franklin fought Georgia's asshat defensive coordinator. They almost beat Florida and Tennessee. They remodeled the coaching offices. Bruce Feldman gawked. ZOMG SEC CHAMPIONSHIPS NOT SO FAR AWAY RITE GAIZ?!

I really do like Franklin and think Vandy's progress is real. I also think there's a limit to how far the program can go, due to the school's financial commitment and Franklin's pro-style schemes. The power run, play-action game is beautiful when executed; it's also rarely pulled off by underdogs. Regardless, Vandy will need its new swagger while taking on...

THE SCHEDULE 

8/30 vs. South Carolina

9/8 @ Northwestern

9/15 vs. Presbyterian

9/22 @ Georgia

10/6 @ Mizzou

10/13 vs. Florida

10/20 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. UMass

11/3 @ Kentucky

11/10 @ Ole Miss

11/17 vs. Tennessee

11/24 @ Wake Forest

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Vandy's six wins last year? Elon, UConn, Army, Kentucky, Ole Miss and at Wake Forest. There's no reason to think they can't repeat against common opponents last year, and Presbyterian and UMass are laughable cupcakes. I also like them over a rebuilding Northwestern, an awful Tennessee, and maybe foolishly over Georgia and Mizzou. The 'Dores will come out bloodthirsty looking to avenge their coach against the 'Dawgs. As for Mizzou: this is a team that can beat anyone and lose to anyone. Between our two biggest games of the year (UGA and Bama) some fluky loss must come. 

That would put Vandy at NINE WINS WHAT THE FUCK! AND 6-0 ON THE ROAD! I'd like to remind you that A) South Carolina is by far the best team in the SEC East, and are they that scary?; B) they avoid Alabama, LSU and Arkansas; C) if they don't win all those road games, home games against rebuilding Florida and Auburn are certainly winnable; and D) I JUST TOOK A METRIC FUCKTON OF PCP LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

Despite my misgivings, count me in as a Vandy believer. Also, bookmark this post and tweet it at me when they finish 4-8. You'll laugh and I'll call you a bunch of horrible names and we'll never be friends again! Vandy, for the sake of my few remaining friendships: plz don't let me down!?

14 in 14: Kentucky Wildcats

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We've finally left Mississippi for the paradise of Lexington, Kentucky, newly crowned champions of the professional basketball world. While roundball-loving, thoroughbred-humping Kentuckians burned their couches to celebrate Anthony Davis and the Wildcats' NCAA Championship victory, UK football fans, upon the end of every loss, douse their furniture in puke. You'd think this would be a problem, but LOL UK F00TBALL FANS N0 EX15T. There are a few reasons for this, starting with...

THE PLAYERS

Full disclosure: I haven't watched a snap of Kentucky football since their 2007 triple-OT win over then #1 LSU. (Then again, neither have 300 million other Americans.) From their results since that wonderful game, we can safely conclude the current version of the Wildcats is far less talented than that 2007 team.

THE HEFTY LEFTY. FUCKING GLORIOUS.

Kentucky sucking at football isn't a new thing, of course. Leading Kentucky to relevance is probably Bear Bryant's greatest accomplishment in college football; they essentially sucked for 40 years after his departure until the glorious Hal Mumme/Jared Lorenzen era. Even then they kind of sucked, but goddamn, they had Mike Leach and a 300-pound quarterback. THIS HAD TO BE THE GREATEST THING EVER.
In the interest of both of us not falling asleep, let's quit not talking about the current Kentucky players we know jackshit about and move on to...

THE COACHES

"Joker Phillips." Two words synonymous with football success.

Rich Brooks' former offensive coordinator sucks worse than his former boss in more ways than Jared Lorenzen weighs in pounds. Really: how can you trust a man named after a Steve Miller Band song?

Phillips got on our good side last year by beating Tennessee with a wide receiver at quarterback. It seems like an accomplishment, until you remember that Derek Dooley makes Ron Zook look like Vince Lombardi. Still: a win is a win is a win, especially over those Volunteer bastards. We hope Joker can do it again. We doubt it, after looking at...

THE SCHEDULE

9/2 @ Louisville

9/8 vs. Kent State

9/15 vs. Western Kentucky

9/22 @ Florida

9/29 vs. South Carolina

10/6 vs. Mississippi State

10/13 @ Arkansas

10/20 vs. Georgia

10/27 @ Mizzou

11/3 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 vs. Samford

11/24 @ Tennessee

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Not that hard, but we are talking about Kentucky. All of the Wildcats' SEC opponents feature quite a bit more talent. Vandy at home would normally look winnable, but those guys are on the rise; Tennessee may have completely collapsed by week 12, but you'd still bet on 100,000 in Neyland willing the Vawls to victory. That leaves Kentucky looking to the nonconference slate for W's, which they should get against Kent State and Samford. Recent history suggests a win at Louisville unlikely, even against the thoroughly average Cardinals; as for Western Kentucky, BIG RED WILL EAT YOUR KITTENS AND RAPE YOUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN. CROSS HIM AND HIS 6-6 SUN BELT FOOTBALL TEAM AT YOUR OWN PERIL. (No, not just an excuse for the creepy picture - we really like WKU in an upset!)

You think Daniel Tosh finds this funny? 'CAUSE I SURE DON'T.

Kentucky football hasn't been rlvnt ever, and that won't change in 2012. Our predictions may seem harsh, but really, Allah has to punish any entity that employs John Calipari somehow. It's too bad he has to take it out on Joker Phillips and whatever genial gent replaces him in the not-so-hot seat after another forgettable fall of Kentucky football.

14 in 14: Mississippi State Bulldogs

Starkville, MS does not fear the reaper.

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we kill the hopes and dreams of Mississippi State, the backwoods underdogs who just discovered Beatlemania but prefer Blue Oyster Cult instead. They may be best known for an irrational love of cowbells, but shit, at least they can beat Ole Miss, right? The road to football mediocrity begins with...

THE PLAYERS

They're not that bad, but they're not that good either. Such is the difficulty any coach has in attracting recruits to the SEC's most remote outpost.
State loses its two-headed power-running monster in QB Chris Relf and RB Vick Ballard, necessitating a change in focus on offense that may help things. Dan Mullen used Relf like the hobo's version of Tim Tebow he was: constantly running him up the gut, using straight power and option schemes. It was three yards and a cloud of dust football from a four-wide shotgun base formation. Weird, but it kinda worked.

When State played defense, the scheme looked ingenious; the Bulldogs didn't score much, but they'll sure take wins in Gainesville, no matter how ugly. The problem, of course, came when State got behind, for Relf made Tebow look like Joe Montana. The total lack of a passing game kept good State teams from getting over the 8-win hump.

This year Mullen has to replace Relf and Ballard, along with first-round DT Fletcher Cox. The QB job will go to Tyler Russell, who's been used as a statuesque pocket-passer complement to Relf in the past. He's not been great in limited regular season snaps, but maybe an offseason as the unquestioned number one will boost his confidence. He'll need to be spot on, as this squad of three-star recruits is outclassed by pretty much every non-Kentucky SEC team. That means it's up to...

THE COACHES

Tim Gunn is appaled that anyone
can even feign such happiness in
that ghastly maroon blazer.

To mold this average outfit into a winning squad. Mullen, Urban Meyer's offensive coordinator at Florida, is a fiery leader who hasn't quite shown the same propensity of playcalling genius since arriving at Mississippi State. It's hard to expect the same level of success due to the obvious disparity in talent level, but State's offenses have left some style, points, and style points to be desired.
But Mullen has excelled in building his staff and motivating his team. State rarely gets blown out even by the SEC's best teams, a minor miracle and a major improvement over the notorious Sylvester Croom era. The current staff has to prove A) that it can design a competent passing game, and B) that it can maintain a modicum of defensive excellence despite the departure of current Texas defensive coordinator Manny Diaz. Mullen hasn't proved spectacular - he hasn't been hired away by year four at Mississippi State - but competent he is. Expect them to put a decent product on the field, and get some results due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's not as tough as you think.

9/1 vs. Jackson State

9/8 vs. Auburn

9/15 @ Troy

9/22 vs. South Alabama

10/6 @ Kentucky

10/13 vs. Tennessee

10/20 vs. Middle Tennessee

10/27 @ Alabama

11/3 vs. Texas A&M

11/10 @ LSU

11/17 vs. Arkansas

11/24 @ Ole Miss(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Write "W" in pen next to Jackson State and South Alabama and in pencil next to Troy, Kentucky, Middle Tennessee and Ole Miss. That's six wins and bowl eligibility even before you write "L" in pen next to Alabama and LSU and in pencil next to Arkansas. That leaves home games against Auburn, Tennessee and Texas A&M, all more talented teams in the midst of quarterback and scheme transitions (A&M and Auburn) or general disarray (Tennessee). They'll pull at least one of those games out; don't be surprised if they take two or even three. In the end, we give the Bulldogs eight wins, which would mean another nice season for one of the peasants of the SEC.

14 in 14: Ole Miss Rebels

Today we embark on an ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We start with perennial whipping boys Ole Miss - do they and their retarded-though-politically-correct "rebel black bear" mascot have a shot this year?

#WeAreOleMiss

Let's answer the question we posed right off - of course Ole Miss has a shot! At winning four games (though even that looks unlikely at this point)! Why is this? Let's start with...

THE PLAYERS

I don't know any of them. This means either a) I'm a lazy football fan, or b) they're not very good. The answer? You probably say a), but I say b). 

It wasn't always this way in Oxford. Even three years ago, moderately big names like Mike Wallace and Dexter McCluster suited up in red and navy, if only to be underutilized by the sometimes-savant, always-idiot Houston Nutt. Wallace, McCluster, Jevan Snead and co., all brought in by previous mouthbreather-in-chief Ed Orgeron, had some success under Nutt, who was a massive coaching upgrade by virtue of owning a few working brain cells. 

However, Orgeron is as good at recruiting as he is bad at coaching, and Nutt's armies of JUCO transfers couldn't cut it after the previous regime's pipeline ran dry. After two 9-4 seasons in Nutt's first two years, Ole Miss finished 4-8 in 2010 and a hapless 2-10 last year. Something had to change, which brings us to...

THE COACHES

They're all new, starting with head honcho Hugh Freeze. The man better known as Michael Oher's high school coach has done some hard time in Oxford before, brought in by along with his prized recruit as Orgeron's tight ends coach. After that short stint Freeze was fantastically successful...at the NAIA level with something called Lambuth. Arkansas State brought him on as offensive coordinator in 2010 and promoted him to head coach last year, where he led the Red Wolves to an 11-2 overall record, going undefeated in the Sun Belt and winning the GoDaddy.com Bowl, which is a real thing that exists!

It's a highly successful, though light, resume, and one with teams that play exciting, up-tempo football. Freeze has succeeded everywhere except his stint at Ole Miss, which was hardly his fault. Yet Freeze's brief marches through the NAIA and Sun Belt won't intimidate even his worst SEC counterparts. Maybe he can duplicate that lower-level success in the toughest conference in college football; it's more likely he can't, and that's in no small part due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's realllllllllllly fucking hard.

9/1 vs. Central Arkansas

9/8 vs. UTEP

9/15 vs. Texas

9/22 @ Tulane

9/29 @ Alabama

10/6 vs. Texas A&M

10/13 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. Arkansas

11/3 @ Georgia

11/10 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 @ LSU

11/24 vs. Mississippi State

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Even this is a little bit generous - Central Arkansas is the only sure win on this schedule. UTEP, while no pushover, is a mediocre C-USA team that should fall in Oxford; Tulane, a bad C-USA team, should also lose in an epic snoozefest. Losses to either of them could get fans grumbling, and it doesn't get any easier after that - Ole Miss faces arguably the toughest five week stretch in the country, with contests against A&M, Auburn and Arkansas bookended by road games at Alabama and Georgia. Four of the five are sure losses.

Add in tough home games against Texas and Vandy and a trip to LSU and you have six sure losses, two likely losses (A&M and Vandy) and a tossup rivalry game at home against a better Mississippi State team, and we officially project Ole Miss at three wins for 2012. They almost attain the impossible dream of a .333 winning percentage. Alas, .250 will have to do.

Why can't this be the new Ole Miss mascot?

It's not your fault, Ole Miss, that you're in the toughest division of the toughest conference in college football. It's not your fault, Hugh Freeze, that you have to fix this mess at a school with comparatively little fan and athletic department support. Just realize that it will be your fault in three years, and for the sake of your paychecks and well-being, I hope you get it together. Until your football misery subsides, just remember the fabulous things you do have: tailgaiting and brunettes. Life doesn't seem so bad anymore. Things could be worse indeed.

Spain Reign, World Naps

Spain are to futbol what Alabama is to football: boring, villainous, and undeniably successful.

La Furia Roja, champions of Europe and the world, have held opponents goalless for 900 straight minutes in the knockout stages of major tournaments, winning nine straight matches in the leadup to Sunday's European Championship final. It's hard to lose when the other guys don't score, of course, but Spain rarely rip the nets themselves, racking up four straight 1-0 wins en route to raising the 2010 World Cup. In this tournament Spain have rarely threatened goal, taking 110 minutes to create a clear chance against a mediocre Portugal side before escaping yet again in penalties.

Looking at those scorelines, it's hard to understand why pundits hail Spain as a free-flowing marvel, a testament to attacking football, an all-conquering wonderteam that mere mortals don't understand. Whatever. Us lazy Americans will take more goals plz.

You certainly can't blame Spain's individuals for lulling you to sleep, for they've shown a capacity to play exciting football in the past. Ten of Spain's starting 11 are among the world's best at their positions: the indomitable Iker Casillas, a stone wall in goal; Sergio Ramos and Gerard Pique, center backs with moves that make most attackers jealous; Jordi Alba, the man who somehow covers left back and left wing simultaneously; Sergio Busquets, the whining anchorman who kills everything beautiful the opposition starts; and Xavi, Xabi, Iniesta, Silva, and Cesc, midfield maestros extraordinaire. (So sorry, but you suck, Alvaro Arbeloa!) 

All of these players can pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass the ball all day and all night, pass the ball till Queen Elizabeth finally dies, pass the ball for fun, pass the ball for other guys to shoot, but mostly pass the ball so the other team can't pass it. They are all also smallish, slow and mediocre at finishing. A quintet of sublime chance creators is all good and well, but rendered somewhat redundant without a top-notch chance finisher, the one thing Spain lack in the absence of injured David Villa and circa-2008 Fernando Torres.

Coach Vicente del Bosque realizes this and tailored his strategy to his side's aforementioned passing strength. When Spain take the pitch, they play a game more resembling keepaway than high-level soccer. In the end, the Spanish possess the ball at least 60% of the time, closer to 70% in most cases - but this comes at the expense of any form of attacking thrust. The pass masters move the ball forward at a snail's pace, passing sideways and backwards many times along the way. So the ball skids back and forth along the grass in these endless, hypnotic triangles.

But it never hits the back of the net. For either team.

That's the genius of del Bosque's strategy - although his team seem unlikely to score, they at least maintain a nominal chance by holding so much of the ball. Other teams, knowing they'll have so few opportunities to construct successful attacks, often seem defeated before stepping on the pitch. Looking at the results, you can hardly blame them.

Spain plays the beautiful game as beautifully as any side ever has, but not in the traditional, visual sense. The beauty lies in the strategic vision ruthlessly executed by a ruthless group of players. They control every pass, strangle every opponent, win every game. 

You just wish they did so without curing insomnia along the way.

In Which I Kinda Sorta Apologize to LeBron James

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE HEAT FUCKING SUCK. MAYBE IT WAS ALL KIND OF PREDICTABLE. I MEAN BASKETBALL IS A TEAM SPORT YOU NEED TO HAVE FIVE BODIES ON THE COURT AND THREE CAN BE REALLY FUCKING AWESOME BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE FOURTH AND FIFTH ARE WARM CORPSES KNOWN AS 'SHANE BATTIER' AND 'JUWAN HOWARD.' SMH, MIAMI HEAT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES" - 5 June 2012

The Miami Heat are NBA champions, and I don't want to live in this world anymore.

Actually, though, I'm OK with it, not because this result is a joyous one, but because it's a natural one. LeBron James is the most talented (ahem, but not the greatest) basketball player we ever have and ever will see. He should win MVP awards and NBA championships. (Not one, not two, not three . . . ok, three championships sounds about right.) No matter that he's a narcissistic douchebag that left his hometown high and dry, that he subscribes to the somewhat shameful "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality, that he refers to himself as royalty, that stupid "Chosen 1" tattoo, that he wears two headbands to cover his Wayne Rooney-esque hairline. He may be despicable off the court, but now even Skip Bayless can't deny how fantastic he is on it.

For Heat haters like myself (i.e. all of America and probably even 50% of Miami) it's time to get used to that picture above. Because as much as LeBron has been vilified, here and elsewhere, he shows up to play every single time. That triple doubles often feel like disappointments speaks not only to James' unfair talent but also to the consistent application of it; his domination of games has become so regular it now seems almost banal. 

The best players usually win. Time to (begrudgingly) accept destiny. 

You did it, LeBron. Congratulations*, I guess. 

(*HOWEVER - in order to join the true pantheon of basketball champions, one must excel not only on the court but also on the silver screen. So what you've got the first part down? You're still never gonna top the true Hollywood greats...)

Day 26: The Pussycat Dolls of Basketball

(Those Euro 2012 previews I promised? FUCK 'EM - go read these instead. Mr. Zonal Marking has forgotten more about football than I will ever know. Now, on to more pressing matters...)

The Miami Heat are not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, but one game away from playoff elimination. 

Let's bask in the schadenfreude for a bit. 

Ready to go on? Hold on just one more second . . .

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE HEAT FUCKING SUCK. MAYBE IT WAS ALL KIND OF PREDICTABLE. I MEAN BASKETBALL THIS IS A TEAM SPORT RIGHT YOU NEED TO HAVE FIVE BODIES ON THE COURT AND THREE CAN BE REALLY FUCKING AWESOME BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE FOURTH AND FIFTH ARE WARM CORPSES KNOWN AS "SHANE BATTIER" AND "JUWAN HOWARD." 

TOO BAD THE TEAM IS IN THE HANDS OF A VAGUELY ASIAN VIDEO EDITOR WHO KNOWS WAY MORE ABOUT iMOVIE THAN DEFENDING THE PICK AND ROLL. YOU CAN HAVE THREE GREAT PLAYERS AVAILABLE BUT NO ONE OF THEM GOT A BOOBOO ON HIS TUMMY A FEW WEEKS AGO LET'S NOT CAPITULATE TO HIS DEMANDS TO PLAY AND LEAVE HIM ON THE BENCH THE WHOLE FOURTH QUARTER. 48 MORE MINUTES TILL YOU BETTER LEARN TO SURF MIAMI CRAIGSLIST COACH SPO.

AND REALLY, THE MIAMI HEAT? DAVID STERN, MASTER CONSPIRATOR, YOU COULDN'T FIND A WAY TO BRING THESE ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION TALENTS TO A CITY THAT ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT BASKETBALL? GAMES IN MIAMI ARE LIKE WEIRD KKK RALLIES. JUST 20,000 OLD CAUCASIANS ALL GATHERED CLOSE TOGETHER AND DRESSED IN WHITE TO REACT WITH INDIFFERENCE TO THE AMAZING ATHLETIC FEATS OF NINE SUPREMELY TALENTED AFRICAN AMERICANS AND MIKE MILLER. THE WEIRD THING IS YOUR COLOR SCHEME DOESN'T EVEN INCLUDE WHITE, BUT IT DOES HAVE A BUNCH OF PRIMARY COLORS, JUST LIKE EVERY UNCREATIVE AFRICAN NATION EVER. THE ONLY REASON YOU DON'T BELONG ON THE SAME COURT AS THE CELTICS IS BECAUSE YOUR UNIFORM IS SO UGLY.

REALLY YOU'RE JUST THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS OF BASKETBALL. NICOLE SCHERZINGER/LEBRON JAMES, THEY'RE OK, SUPPORTING CAST, MEH. A REALLY HOT SOLO ARTIST AND FIVE UNTALENTED AND AVERAGE LOOKING WHITE GIRLS A SUPERGROUP DOES NOT MAKE, AND NEITHER DOES LEBRON JAMES AND DWYANE WADE AND CHRIS BOSH AND FUCKING NORRIS COLE AND JOEL ANTHONY. 

BUT AT LEAST ALL THE MEDIOCRE TALENT OF PCD CAME TOGETHER FOR ONE SUBLIME MOMENT. THE HEAT CAN ONLY WISH TO PRODUCE SUCH A PERFECT ARTISTIC EMBODIMENT OF HUMANITY'S ETERNAL JEALOUSY OF HOT GIRLS. 

SMH, MIAMI HEAT. AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU, I KIND OF HOPE YOU WIN JUST SO ESPN CAN SHUT UP ABOUT YOU. HAHAHAHAHAHA NO, I TAKE THAT BACK, I HOPE YOU LOSE ON THURSDAY AND EVERY GAME NEXT SEASON AND GET BANISHED TO A REUNION TOUR IN CLEVELAND. I DON'T WISH THAT TYPE OF PUNISHMENT ON MANY, BUT IF ANYONE EVER DESERVED THAT, IT'S YOU LOSERS. GO FUCK YOURSELVES. 

(This may all seem a bit harsh, Miami, but you should know this is my favorite song. #GoFINS)

Day 25: Euro 2012 Preview, Part Un

(Editor's Note: While American football forever remains our favorite game here at HLA, futbol is now a close second. In this spirit, we bring you a comprehensive preview of this year's European Championships, starting this Friday in beautiful Ukraine and scenic Poland. We look to highlight each team and the overpaid metrosexuals that compose them. You will be enthralled. Trust us.)

* * *

GROUP A PREVIEW

Group A features four of Europe's most outstandingly mediocre sides. Let's go through what little we know about them, starting with...

Russia - Russia is to Group A as Nick Carter is to the Backstreet Boys*: the best of a fairly dismal lot. The world took notice of the Russians after their advancement to the semifinals of the 2008 edition of this very competition; soon after, everybody started sucking and the Fightin' Putins couldn't beat fucking Slovenia for a World Cup berth. Alas, Russia is still the overwhelming favorite here because at least they have a few players most people have heard of before, even if only in contexts such as "Andrei Arshavin fucking sucks!" and "Pavlyuchenko, 'bout time you scored a goal you cunt!" and "you really want me to say Pogrebnyak?"** Yes, Arshavin fucking sucked, but at least he was up against some of the world's best at Arsenal; Russia's experience against quality competition will ensure they advance past these three not-so-quality opponents.
Chance of advancing - 87 percent.

*Yes, a Backstreet Boys analogy. One Direction would be the more timely reference, but fuck them - will any of their little brothers will ever make a song this awesome? I THINK NOT.
**Steve McManaman only.

Greece - While Russia did well in this tournament four years ago, Greece won the whole damn thing four years before that. The Greeks' shocking 2004 triumph after a series of brutal 1-0 victories pissed off, well, pretty much everybody, as a) nobody outside of Greece actually roots for Greece, and b) nobody roots for a boring underdog. That's the role Greece continues to play, using soccer's equivalent of the flexbone offense, the catenaccio, an old Italian tactic whose followers eschew trying to score goals in order to prevent opponents from doing so. Futbol has enough boring stretches as is - a team that doesn't even try to score seems a fundamental disgrace to the game. Catenaccio may give the game a bad name, but it also gives overmatched sides like Greece and Ireland a fighting chance - which Greece certainly has in this average group.

Chance of advancing - 46 percent.

Czech Republic - Maybe they advance if Petr Cech stops every shot. Considering the low quantity and quality of the shots that will come from Greece and Poland, this is a distinct possibility. The Czechs don't look strong at all, but organization and strong goalkeeping - things they surely do have - could well be all they need to advance here.

Chance of advancing - 37 percent

Poland - Oh, Poland, land where my father's mother's fathers died. You would never be in this tournament if you hadn't been chosen to host it as a favor for your fervent support of UEFA's latest corrupt power brokers. All of your good players claim German citizenship through their father's grandpa's second cousin, leaving the remaining hopeless dregs to represent your hopeless dreg of a nation. I still love and support you, Poland - that is, until you start losing and Germany starts winning. Like Miroslav Klose and Lukas Podolski, you can bet I'll jump ship soon after.

Chance of advancing - 30 percent

* * *

That's all for now - join us tomorrow for discussion of actual, talented futbol teams (Germany, The Netherlands, Portugal and Denmark) in our Group B preview!

Manchester City 3 - 2 QPR

Football is an amazing game.

I mean that equally on both sides of the Atlantic.

* * *

While Americans have a notoriously lukewarm attitude toward "soccer," allegedly because it's boring, but also partly (I suspect) because we aren't very good at it. Our greatest moment as a footballing nation came in a 1-0 victory over a poor Algeria side (though, in fairness, it was an EPIC moment). 

We wonder why so many could love a game that's so often boring and unfair, rife with mercenary superstars and corrupt management, that often ends in a tie. We wonder whether we could eventually do the same. It seems possible every four years when we come together to watch Donovan and Dempsey and co. lead us into the knockout stages of the tournament, only to quickly fall to Ghana. We then trade in the international game, with all its patriotism and pageantry and intensity, for sparsely attended Major League Soccer contests in exotic locales like Kansas City. Turn on the World Cup and you realize how great the game can be. Turn on the MLS and you realize how appealing that Real Housewives marathon looks. 

I first started watching football during the 2006 World Cup out of this vague sense of guilt, that I was somehow wrong for not appreciating our world's self-appointed "beautiful game." ESPN promised the world a chance to see dazzling superstars like Ronaldhino and Beckham up close on daytime television. The two, of course, combined for one goal throughout the tournament, their much-hyped sides eliminated early on. Instead, the trophy went to Italy, an elderly team much better at keeping the ball out of their own net than putting it in themselves. 

The final featured two early goals, one for each team, then 80 minutes of soul-crushing boredom, before I learned to love the game for good. After 108 minutes, the France legend Zinedine Zidane barreled his bald dome into a flopping defender's chest, acquiring a red card that forced him to watch his nation's penalty shootout loss to the Italians from the showers. I had no idea what was going on, but for the first time I understood why so many people cared. Now I'm one of them.

* * *

The situation: first-place Manchester City needs a win at home against 17th-place Queens Park Rangers to capture their first English league title in 44 years, with second-place crosstown rivals Manchester United needing a win and a City draw or loss to capture their sixth crown in seven years. QPR, led by City's former manager and featuring five former MCFC players in the starting XI, needed at least a draw to guarantee safety from relegation. The plot was juicy from the start. Nobody could predict how much it would thicken.

The first half played out as most gross mismatches do. City possessed the ball about 80% of the time, laying siege to an able QPR defense that finally broke after half an hour on Manchester City right back Pablo Zabaleta's first goal of the season. QPR had no shots on goal in the first half, rarely keeping possession long enough to get even halfway up the field. Things looked hopeless.

But Manchester City, the team assembled for a measly $1.5 billion, notoriously struggles to smoothly close out games. Right after halftime, City defender Joleon Lescott headed a ball right into the path of the equally scary-looking QPR striker Djibril Cisse, who promptly hammered the chance home. 

The score now 1-1, City needed another goal to capture the win and the title. It looked like that would be no problem after QPR captain/infamous numskull Joey Barton got sent off for landing an elbow under Carlos Tevez's chin and a knee to Sergio Aguero's groin, but QPR held strong. 

Down a man, QPR elected to stay back and defend, only breaking past the halfway line three times in the second half. They scored twice - first on Cisse's strike, then on a header minutes after Barton's red card. With QPR motivated by revenge and looking stronger than any other point in the season, one wondered whether City's title drought would continue. 

The team in light blue poured cross after cross into the box, time and again headed out by valiant QPR defenders playing the game of their lives. With 92 minutes gone, three minutes of additional time to go, City still needed two goals for the win and the title.

Of course, they got them.

* * *

* * *

Feel the roar of the crowd. Listen to the commentators' breathless calls. Look at all those people going absolutely insane. 

Think you could give this soccer thing a chance?

HLA PRESENTS: An Official NFL Mock Draft from Special Guest Rick Santorum

(Fearless Leader's note: HLA has a long tradition of giving you, the readers that don't give a shit about the NFL, the highest-quality draft analysis from some of the Internet's most erudite football bloggers. Indeed, the tradition of guest posts goes beyond Mr. Miyagi's star turn here before the 2010 Draft; Lamar the Yak's movie reviews have driven thousands of young people looking for an image of a retarded yak to our post featuring one of the best synopses of Remember Me ever written. Though we were unable to welcome any guest contributors prior to last year's NFL Draft, this year we've snagged our biggest star yet: recent Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum! In addition to his political bona fides, Mr. Santorum also coached his son's flag football team this one time. Don't believe me? Just google his last name. You won't be disappointed. This. Man. Knows. Football. So without further ado, I present to you: the future Leader of the Free World, Mr. Richard John Santorum, Esq.)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, thank you. Please. You can stop clapping now. No, seriously, Angela Michael, it's OK. No need to cry. I'm not God. Really. Seriously. Promise? Good.

Thank you, so so much, for that warm welcome. It's so great to be back in the fine state of Highland. Last time I was here you were dealing with the firing of your football coach after he got caught screwing an underage girl in his car. Being from Pennsylvania, you may be aware of a similar situation we recently went through. The only football coach head I care about is the one on top of the neck, the one that makes playcalls, but I guess our society is obsessed with the penis head now. It is what it is. Regardless, that whole Penn State thing has really helped me appreciate the resilience you guys have shown in the wake of that scandal just a few years ago. 

Now, just indulge in this tangent for a few seconds, OK? Because man: I still can't believe Joe Paterno raped and murdered all those little boys. Mostly the raped part. I mean, dude was old as fuck. Born sometime during the early stages of the Jurassic Period. I'm only 53 and can just barely get wood. He was millions of years old and apparently could just get an erection anytime he wanted. Maybe Viagra was making some special shit for him. Maybe he was dead all along and evil zombies just have constant boners. Whatever the case, dude was amazing.

Anyway, you know, I just remembered, you guys didn't just have that debacle; your head coach for the four years after that was Ron Fucking Holt. Holy shit! Man, that's just...man. Wow. Y'all don't just have rainstorms here, you get torrential downpours of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter falling from the sky. Let me apologize, but reiterate that your current Fearless Leader, even though he's an Obama supporter, that guy knows what the fuck he's doing. Stay strong, Kalen. You got it.

Point is, high school and college football? That shit cray. The NFL is more like a fish filet. And shit, do I love the tartar sauce on Mickey D's Filet-O-Fishes. The flavor vaguely reminiscent of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter. Yeah. Let's talk bout the fish filet some more instead, shall we?

I've got a confession, you guys. I've always loved balls. Small balls, big balls, round balls, oblong balls, basketballs, bocce balls, Top Flite golf balls, descending balls, and especially testicles. But I love footballs the most out of any kind of balls. The feel of the smooth yet weathered leather on my cool caressing hand. The majestic spiral floating heavenward and back down into the grasp of a Greek god, the grasp my own balls so long to feel. The rich mahogany color reminiscent of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter. I fell in love with football because of the ball. I stayed in love because my affairs with Mike Tomlin and Bobby Petrino demanded it. Those guys have no emotions, and I had to have something to talk with them about before we made a sweet, frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.

Now that I've studied enough footballs, I've moved on to learning the finer points of the game. I started studying the NFL Draft for the same reason as you all, I'm sure: young black guys in suits kinda turn me on. Over time, I've moved on from just constantly jerking off during the draft to really understanding its intricacies, making me uniquely qualified to present to you today this 100% guaranteed 2012 NFL Mock Draft.

* * *

RICK SANTORUM'S 2012 NFL MOCK DRAFT

1. Indianapolis Colts: Ryan Tannehill, QB/Texas A&M

• In case you guys haven't figured out yet, I'm a master at what the young folks call "trolling." I mean, I say I hate the gays, but there's nothing I love more than a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter spewing from a man's anus, though I think the best trolling I ever did was telling the kids we'd be bringing home their new baby brother only to show up with a cuddly little corpse instead. Yeah, that was a good one. So I think the Colts need to be more like me and fuck with the rest of the NFL a little bit. The fact that they've announced Luck as their pick would just add to the stupendous trolliness of it all. Plus, Tannehill is a gym rat coach's son with moxie to burn, and that's all you need to make it in this league and this world.

2. Washington Redskins: Chief Joseph, DE/Nez Perce Tribe

• I think it's really admirable that this group of native Americans can still party like it's 1877 by getting together and plotting to destroy white folk. The whole red skin-only policy kinda limits the selection though, dooming this team to fruitless futility forever. That said, I think this Joseph character could be a special one. He tends to retreat when times get rough, not necessarily what you want in a pass rusher, but he's got all the burst and twitch to make blockers miss.

3. Minnesota Vikings: Andrew Luck, QB/Stanford

• These guys think Christian Ponder is a franchise quarterback? Yeah, and Ron Paul still thinks he's gonna be President! The Vikings need a signal caller to believe in so they can be good upon arrival in Los Angeles; however, it looks like Matt Kalil will be the pick instead.

4. Cleveland Browns: LeBron James, TE/Miami (FL)

• This guy hasn't played football in a while, but man, he has all the makings of the vertical threat that Pat Shurmur can misuse in five yard crossing routes. (Of course, the Browns need a guy to throw the dinks and dunks as well, which means Tannehill will probably come off the board here.)

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Morris Claiborne, CB/LSU

• You mean...Ronde Barber...he's...still...alive??? Got DAMN, son, that guy's future in football is shorter than Newt Gingrich's in politics! Better get a sufficiently dyslexic replacement while the gettings there! Claiborne wholly fits the bill.

6. St. Louis Rams: Trent Richardson, RB/Alabama*

• Richardson may be the best college back since Adrian Peterson, but the Rams take him here for his grooming skills. His work with those immaculate dreadlocks leads me to believe he could work wonders grooming Jeff Fisher's mustache. (Also: ROLL TIDE!)

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Robert Griffin III, QB/Baylor

• So I'm gonna tell y'all a little joke real quick, OK? Blaine Gabbert. Uhm...uh...why aren't you laughing, guys? BLAINE MOTHERFUCKING GABBERT! (crowd erupts in hysterical laughter) Now that's more like it. No guy from District 12, the land of meth and puppy mills formerly known as "Missouri,"will ever make it anywhere in life, no matter what they say about that journalism school there. I mean, they'll probably take Justin Blackmon, but what use will he be when the ball flies ten yards over his head every pass? They need to get a new QB instead.

8. Miami Dolphins: T-Pain, FB/Florida State

• The greatest football team selects the greatest blocking back available in this draft. While this fullback spends most of his time on boats and has this weird-ass voice, he packs a wallop coming out of the backfield. Though the front office may elect for Michael Floyd instead, I'd hesitate to pass up this once-in-a-generation artistic talent.

9. Carolina Panthers: Luke Kuechly, LB/Boston College

• What did I say earlier? Grit + moxie + gym rat = limitless potential. Having white skin guarantees all three, of course. That's why Carolina's gotta pick Kuechly.

10. Buffalo Bills: Riley Reiff, OT/Iowa

• With this pick, I pay homage to the state that made me famous. Iowa, I love you and your corn-fed, short-armed linemen. Since folks in the Hawkeye State are used to being underappreciated, good ol' Riley will fit right in with Chan Gailey in upstate New York.

11. Kansas City Chiefs: Dontari Poe, DT/Memphis

• This guy is 6'4", 350 pounds. He's gotta have some SERIOUS ass. And if there's one thing besides grit and moxie that guarantees success in life, it's great ass. Never mind that Poe sucked for a sucky team in college; the Law of Ass guarantees the fulfillment of his potential.

12. Seattle Seahawks: Quinton Coples, DE/North Carolina

• Same thing as Poe, just less stupendous ass, so his career will be less stupendous. But only slightly.

13. Arizona Cardinals: David DeCastro, G/Stanford

• What's a smart young man like this doing playing football? He should go design that moon colony Newt's been planning instead.

14. Dallas Cowboys: Mark Barron, S/Alabama*

• HEY! HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS!! ROLL TIDE!!!

15. Philadelphia Eagles: Courtney Upshaw, OLB/Alabama*

• HEY, PAWWWWLLLL! ROLL TIDE AGAIN!!!

16. New York Jets: Melvin Ingram, DE/South Carolina

• You can't help but love this guy's feet, which makes him perfect for Rex Ryan. We've talked a little bit, and even though I still find that fetish a little weird, I can get behind other people doing it. It's why I love this pick so much. Get ready for more sexy, Rexy.

17. Cincinnati Bengals: Cordy Glenn, G/Georgia

• Mark Richt moulds 'em right down there. More tremendous, fat lineman ass.

18. San Diego Chargers: Michael Brockers, DT/LSU

• Yeah, whatevs. Norv Turner fucking sucks. Who cares? Next.

19. Chicago Bears: Coby Fleener, TE/Stanford

• You mean...his name...is...Coby...and he's not black? Got DAMN, son, his wigger parents should be ashamed of themselves and their baby naming abilities!

20. Tennessee Titans: Dre Kirkpatrick, CB/Alabama*

• WOOHOO ROLL MOTHERFUCKING TIDE BITCHES!!!

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Janoris Jenkins, CB/North Alabama

• Now this guy has baby naming ability! Having four kids by 22 is impressive enough, but bestowing beautiful monikers like Janoris Jenkins Jr., Janorian, Legend, and Paris upon them? That's special, man. Natural talent. (Also - does North Alabama qualify for a "Roll Tide?")

22. Cleveland Browns: Rueben Randle, WR/LSU

• Another vertical threat for Pat Shurmur to not use, Randle will excel at dropping every seven yard curl route thrown his way.

23. Detroit Lions: Stephon Gilmore, CB/South Carolina

• I'm suspicious of this young black man. That family portrait looks nice, but man, I'd be shooting every one of 'em if they came walking down my street. (But only if they had Skittles, of course. The taste of the rainbow is the only thing almost as intoxicating as the taste of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.)

24. Pittsburgh Steelers: Donta Hightower, LB/Alabama*

• This is my last one for the day, so Ima make it count: RROOOOLLLLLLLL TTTTIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

25. Denver Broncos: Jerel Worthy, DT/Michigan State

• The Broncos have Peyton Manning now, so really they could just put nine stiffs out on defense and get to the AFC Championship. But if they wanna try on defense, that's cool too, I guess.

26. Houston Texans: Ron Paul, K/Gettysburg College

• The Texans are a solid team, but they lack two things: a consistent kicker and a gynecologist who can properly insert Wade Phillips' tampons. This 76-year-old does both extremely well, and though he may not have a long career, the Texans are looking to win now. This is definitely the pick. (Unless Kendall Wright is available, of course.)

27. New England Patriots: Whitney Mercilus, DE/Illinois**

• Dammit, those heathens at the University of Illinois. They rejected me, but in my mind I knew I was better than them all along. How can anyone named after a singing cocaine addict and coached by Ron Zook be an effective NFL lineman? Those Patriots always seem to draft good, but this pick...man, I dunno. Looks doomed if you ask me.

28. Green Bay Packers: Shea McClellin, OLB/Boise State

• White guy. Idaho. Grit. Moxie. Next Clay Matthews. Has to be.

29. Baltimore Ravens: Peter Konz, C/Wisconsin

• Though grit and moxie are the most important traits for most positions, offensive linemen succeed based on dairy consumption. It's why the guys that come from Wisconsin are the best.

30. San Francisco 49ers: Kevin Zeitler, G/Wisconsin

• Ditto.

31. New England Patriots: Mitt Romney, TE/BYU

• I can vouch for you: this Mormon truly does have a tight end. I loved slapping that ass in the green room during our debates. Man, I miss those times. Even though he's kind of a cuntface, he'll work well with noted asshat Bill Belichick. Redemption for New England here.

32. New York Giants: Amini Silatolu, OT/Midwestern State

• Apparently this Midwestern State is located in Texas? I'll have to take a note of that. Didn't know Texas was Midwestern. Will have Karen tell the kids after Dead Fetus Picturebook Time during homeschool.

* * *

MAN. Well, that was pretty exhausting, huh guys? But now you know everything you need to know about the Draft coming up tomorrow, and that knowledge is far more important than, say, a basic understanding of human decency or sensible tax policy. And with that I say: God Bless you all, God Bless the National Football League, God Bless Coach Jon Gruden, God Bless the United States of America, and, of course, God Bless the Highland St. Paul Angela Michael Anti-Dead Baby White Person Catholic Broken Condom Mistake Jamahiriyah!

*Final count: #RollTide - 5, #WarEagle - 0. Sadface.

**Final count: #Illini - 1, #Mizzou - 0. Fuck the world.