14 in 14: Vanderbilt Commodores

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we move to Nashville, where Vanderbilt is riding high after last year's 6-7 finish. Seriously, they don't even have an athletic department, so it's not half bad! Can the 'Dores build upon this newfound momentum? We'll blindly speculate here, first by examining...

THE PLAYERS

Cornelius Vanderbilt - founder
of the university, moderately
important person occasionally
mentioned in AP US History.

They're getting better, I guess! Though the triple whammy of awful competitive history, outdated facilities and comparatively ridiculous academic standards will forever hamper Vandy's recruiting, new coach James Franklin has sold the program hard on the trail, and with some success too. Writers everywhere laud the Commodores' bounty of one four-star recruit in the 2012 class. This is progress!

Though Vandy still lags behind all but Kentucky in recruiting, they can more than make up for lack of athleticism with intelligence and good coaching. Who do you trust to execute a playbook: Houston Nutt's barely coherent army of JUCO transfers or Vandy's douchenozzle three-star QB that apparently pulled a 36 on his ACT? Let me remind you that playbooks are complicated things. Being able to read helps! The sustained success of Northwestern and Stanford proves these chickenshit theories, right?

Though Franklin hasn't yet overhauled the previous regime's decimated roster, Aaron Rodgers' brother is a nice piece to build around. Jordan sure as hell ain't his brother, but we already judge him the best QB in school history because really Jay Cutler is a fucking asshole so no. In the 10 or so Vandy snaps I watched, no individual really impressed, but none stood out for the wrong reasons either. That's a compliment to...

THE COACHES

While we like James Franklin the coach, James Franklin
the quarterback is pictured here instead due to his
undeniable sex appeal.

It's easy to forget that James Franklin was, at best, Vandy's second choice for it's head coaching position. The school ponied up a sizable chunk of change to lure Gus Malzahn, but he wisely declined after Miss Cleo revealed his dream job, Arkansas State, would open the winter after.

(ARKANSAS STATE. THE ULTIMATE DESTINATION JOB. As part of your contract, you get a sweet home on the lake at the country club. That you're in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and coaching a titan of the Sun Belt? And making less than your coordinator job at Auburn? NO-BRAINER! JK we love Gus and wish him well.)

In the end, the little-known former Maryland OC got the nod in Nashville, surprising the college football world with his tough talk. Bruce Feldman in particular loved the guy, yet Bruce also wrote a book about how awesome Ed Orgeron was at recruiting. The proclamations and bravado seemed like hopeless romanticism at best and downright stupid at worst. And then Vandy improved from 2-10 to 6-6. Franklin fought Georgia's asshat defensive coordinator. They almost beat Florida and Tennessee. They remodeled the coaching offices. Bruce Feldman gawked. ZOMG SEC CHAMPIONSHIPS NOT SO FAR AWAY RITE GAIZ?!

I really do like Franklin and think Vandy's progress is real. I also think there's a limit to how far the program can go, due to the school's financial commitment and Franklin's pro-style schemes. The power run, play-action game is beautiful when executed; it's also rarely pulled off by underdogs. Regardless, Vandy will need its new swagger while taking on...

THE SCHEDULE 

8/30 vs. South Carolina

9/8 @ Northwestern

9/15 vs. Presbyterian

9/22 @ Georgia

10/6 @ Mizzou

10/13 vs. Florida

10/20 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. UMass

11/3 @ Kentucky

11/10 @ Ole Miss

11/17 vs. Tennessee

11/24 @ Wake Forest

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Vandy's six wins last year? Elon, UConn, Army, Kentucky, Ole Miss and at Wake Forest. There's no reason to think they can't repeat against common opponents last year, and Presbyterian and UMass are laughable cupcakes. I also like them over a rebuilding Northwestern, an awful Tennessee, and maybe foolishly over Georgia and Mizzou. The 'Dores will come out bloodthirsty looking to avenge their coach against the 'Dawgs. As for Mizzou: this is a team that can beat anyone and lose to anyone. Between our two biggest games of the year (UGA and Bama) some fluky loss must come. 

That would put Vandy at NINE WINS WHAT THE FUCK! AND 6-0 ON THE ROAD! I'd like to remind you that A) South Carolina is by far the best team in the SEC East, and are they that scary?; B) they avoid Alabama, LSU and Arkansas; C) if they don't win all those road games, home games against rebuilding Florida and Auburn are certainly winnable; and D) I JUST TOOK A METRIC FUCKTON OF PCP LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

Despite my misgivings, count me in as a Vandy believer. Also, bookmark this post and tweet it at me when they finish 4-8. You'll laugh and I'll call you a bunch of horrible names and we'll never be friends again! Vandy, for the sake of my few remaining friendships: plz don't let me down!?