14 in 14: Kentucky Wildcats

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We've finally left Mississippi for the paradise of Lexington, Kentucky, newly crowned champions of the professional basketball world. While roundball-loving, thoroughbred-humping Kentuckians burned their couches to celebrate Anthony Davis and the Wildcats' NCAA Championship victory, UK football fans, upon the end of every loss, douse their furniture in puke. You'd think this would be a problem, but LOL UK F00TBALL FANS N0 EX15T. There are a few reasons for this, starting with...

THE PLAYERS

Full disclosure: I haven't watched a snap of Kentucky football since their 2007 triple-OT win over then #1 LSU. (Then again, neither have 300 million other Americans.) From their results since that wonderful game, we can safely conclude the current version of the Wildcats is far less talented than that 2007 team.

THE HEFTY LEFTY. FUCKING GLORIOUS.

Kentucky sucking at football isn't a new thing, of course. Leading Kentucky to relevance is probably Bear Bryant's greatest accomplishment in college football; they essentially sucked for 40 years after his departure until the glorious Hal Mumme/Jared Lorenzen era. Even then they kind of sucked, but goddamn, they had Mike Leach and a 300-pound quarterback. THIS HAD TO BE THE GREATEST THING EVER.
In the interest of both of us not falling asleep, let's quit not talking about the current Kentucky players we know jackshit about and move on to...

THE COACHES

"Joker Phillips." Two words synonymous with football success.

Rich Brooks' former offensive coordinator sucks worse than his former boss in more ways than Jared Lorenzen weighs in pounds. Really: how can you trust a man named after a Steve Miller Band song?

Phillips got on our good side last year by beating Tennessee with a wide receiver at quarterback. It seems like an accomplishment, until you remember that Derek Dooley makes Ron Zook look like Vince Lombardi. Still: a win is a win is a win, especially over those Volunteer bastards. We hope Joker can do it again. We doubt it, after looking at...

THE SCHEDULE

9/2 @ Louisville

9/8 vs. Kent State

9/15 vs. Western Kentucky

9/22 @ Florida

9/29 vs. South Carolina

10/6 vs. Mississippi State

10/13 @ Arkansas

10/20 vs. Georgia

10/27 @ Mizzou

11/3 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 vs. Samford

11/24 @ Tennessee

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Not that hard, but we are talking about Kentucky. All of the Wildcats' SEC opponents feature quite a bit more talent. Vandy at home would normally look winnable, but those guys are on the rise; Tennessee may have completely collapsed by week 12, but you'd still bet on 100,000 in Neyland willing the Vawls to victory. That leaves Kentucky looking to the nonconference slate for W's, which they should get against Kent State and Samford. Recent history suggests a win at Louisville unlikely, even against the thoroughly average Cardinals; as for Western Kentucky, BIG RED WILL EAT YOUR KITTENS AND RAPE YOUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN. CROSS HIM AND HIS 6-6 SUN BELT FOOTBALL TEAM AT YOUR OWN PERIL. (No, not just an excuse for the creepy picture - we really like WKU in an upset!)

You think Daniel Tosh finds this funny? 'CAUSE I SURE DON'T.

Kentucky football hasn't been rlvnt ever, and that won't change in 2012. Our predictions may seem harsh, but really, Allah has to punish any entity that employs John Calipari somehow. It's too bad he has to take it out on Joker Phillips and whatever genial gent replaces him in the not-so-hot seat after another forgettable fall of Kentucky football.