HLA PRESENTS: An Official NFL Mock Draft from Special Guest Rick Santorum

(Fearless Leader's note: HLA has a long tradition of giving you, the readers that don't give a shit about the NFL, the highest-quality draft analysis from some of the Internet's most erudite football bloggers. Indeed, the tradition of guest posts goes beyond Mr. Miyagi's star turn here before the 2010 Draft; Lamar the Yak's movie reviews have driven thousands of young people looking for an image of a retarded yak to our post featuring one of the best synopses of Remember Me ever written. Though we were unable to welcome any guest contributors prior to last year's NFL Draft, this year we've snagged our biggest star yet: recent Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum! In addition to his political bona fides, Mr. Santorum also coached his son's flag football team this one time. Don't believe me? Just google his last name. You won't be disappointed. This. Man. Knows. Football. So without further ado, I present to you: the future Leader of the Free World, Mr. Richard John Santorum, Esq.)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, thank you. Please. You can stop clapping now. No, seriously, Angela Michael, it's OK. No need to cry. I'm not God. Really. Seriously. Promise? Good.

Thank you, so so much, for that warm welcome. It's so great to be back in the fine state of Highland. Last time I was here you were dealing with the firing of your football coach after he got caught screwing an underage girl in his car. Being from Pennsylvania, you may be aware of a similar situation we recently went through. The only football coach head I care about is the one on top of the neck, the one that makes playcalls, but I guess our society is obsessed with the penis head now. It is what it is. Regardless, that whole Penn State thing has really helped me appreciate the resilience you guys have shown in the wake of that scandal just a few years ago. 

Now, just indulge in this tangent for a few seconds, OK? Because man: I still can't believe Joe Paterno raped and murdered all those little boys. Mostly the raped part. I mean, dude was old as fuck. Born sometime during the early stages of the Jurassic Period. I'm only 53 and can just barely get wood. He was millions of years old and apparently could just get an erection anytime he wanted. Maybe Viagra was making some special shit for him. Maybe he was dead all along and evil zombies just have constant boners. Whatever the case, dude was amazing.

Anyway, you know, I just remembered, you guys didn't just have that debacle; your head coach for the four years after that was Ron Fucking Holt. Holy shit! Man, that's just...man. Wow. Y'all don't just have rainstorms here, you get torrential downpours of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter falling from the sky. Let me apologize, but reiterate that your current Fearless Leader, even though he's an Obama supporter, that guy knows what the fuck he's doing. Stay strong, Kalen. You got it.

Point is, high school and college football? That shit cray. The NFL is more like a fish filet. And shit, do I love the tartar sauce on Mickey D's Filet-O-Fishes. The flavor vaguely reminiscent of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter. Yeah. Let's talk bout the fish filet some more instead, shall we?

I've got a confession, you guys. I've always loved balls. Small balls, big balls, round balls, oblong balls, basketballs, bocce balls, Top Flite golf balls, descending balls, and especially testicles. But I love footballs the most out of any kind of balls. The feel of the smooth yet weathered leather on my cool caressing hand. The majestic spiral floating heavenward and back down into the grasp of a Greek god, the grasp my own balls so long to feel. The rich mahogany color reminiscent of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter. I fell in love with football because of the ball. I stayed in love because my affairs with Mike Tomlin and Bobby Petrino demanded it. Those guys have no emotions, and I had to have something to talk with them about before we made a sweet, frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.

Now that I've studied enough footballs, I've moved on to learning the finer points of the game. I started studying the NFL Draft for the same reason as you all, I'm sure: young black guys in suits kinda turn me on. Over time, I've moved on from just constantly jerking off during the draft to really understanding its intricacies, making me uniquely qualified to present to you today this 100% guaranteed 2012 NFL Mock Draft.

* * *

RICK SANTORUM'S 2012 NFL MOCK DRAFT

1. Indianapolis Colts: Ryan Tannehill, QB/Texas A&M

• In case you guys haven't figured out yet, I'm a master at what the young folks call "trolling." I mean, I say I hate the gays, but there's nothing I love more than a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter spewing from a man's anus, though I think the best trolling I ever did was telling the kids we'd be bringing home their new baby brother only to show up with a cuddly little corpse instead. Yeah, that was a good one. So I think the Colts need to be more like me and fuck with the rest of the NFL a little bit. The fact that they've announced Luck as their pick would just add to the stupendous trolliness of it all. Plus, Tannehill is a gym rat coach's son with moxie to burn, and that's all you need to make it in this league and this world.

2. Washington Redskins: Chief Joseph, DE/Nez Perce Tribe

• I think it's really admirable that this group of native Americans can still party like it's 1877 by getting together and plotting to destroy white folk. The whole red skin-only policy kinda limits the selection though, dooming this team to fruitless futility forever. That said, I think this Joseph character could be a special one. He tends to retreat when times get rough, not necessarily what you want in a pass rusher, but he's got all the burst and twitch to make blockers miss.

3. Minnesota Vikings: Andrew Luck, QB/Stanford

• These guys think Christian Ponder is a franchise quarterback? Yeah, and Ron Paul still thinks he's gonna be President! The Vikings need a signal caller to believe in so they can be good upon arrival in Los Angeles; however, it looks like Matt Kalil will be the pick instead.

4. Cleveland Browns: LeBron James, TE/Miami (FL)

• This guy hasn't played football in a while, but man, he has all the makings of the vertical threat that Pat Shurmur can misuse in five yard crossing routes. (Of course, the Browns need a guy to throw the dinks and dunks as well, which means Tannehill will probably come off the board here.)

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Morris Claiborne, CB/LSU

• You mean...Ronde Barber...he's...still...alive??? Got DAMN, son, that guy's future in football is shorter than Newt Gingrich's in politics! Better get a sufficiently dyslexic replacement while the gettings there! Claiborne wholly fits the bill.

6. St. Louis Rams: Trent Richardson, RB/Alabama*

• Richardson may be the best college back since Adrian Peterson, but the Rams take him here for his grooming skills. His work with those immaculate dreadlocks leads me to believe he could work wonders grooming Jeff Fisher's mustache. (Also: ROLL TIDE!)

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Robert Griffin III, QB/Baylor

• So I'm gonna tell y'all a little joke real quick, OK? Blaine Gabbert. Uhm...uh...why aren't you laughing, guys? BLAINE MOTHERFUCKING GABBERT! (crowd erupts in hysterical laughter) Now that's more like it. No guy from District 12, the land of meth and puppy mills formerly known as "Missouri,"will ever make it anywhere in life, no matter what they say about that journalism school there. I mean, they'll probably take Justin Blackmon, but what use will he be when the ball flies ten yards over his head every pass? They need to get a new QB instead.

8. Miami Dolphins: T-Pain, FB/Florida State

• The greatest football team selects the greatest blocking back available in this draft. While this fullback spends most of his time on boats and has this weird-ass voice, he packs a wallop coming out of the backfield. Though the front office may elect for Michael Floyd instead, I'd hesitate to pass up this once-in-a-generation artistic talent.

9. Carolina Panthers: Luke Kuechly, LB/Boston College

• What did I say earlier? Grit + moxie + gym rat = limitless potential. Having white skin guarantees all three, of course. That's why Carolina's gotta pick Kuechly.

10. Buffalo Bills: Riley Reiff, OT/Iowa

• With this pick, I pay homage to the state that made me famous. Iowa, I love you and your corn-fed, short-armed linemen. Since folks in the Hawkeye State are used to being underappreciated, good ol' Riley will fit right in with Chan Gailey in upstate New York.

11. Kansas City Chiefs: Dontari Poe, DT/Memphis

• This guy is 6'4", 350 pounds. He's gotta have some SERIOUS ass. And if there's one thing besides grit and moxie that guarantees success in life, it's great ass. Never mind that Poe sucked for a sucky team in college; the Law of Ass guarantees the fulfillment of his potential.

12. Seattle Seahawks: Quinton Coples, DE/North Carolina

• Same thing as Poe, just less stupendous ass, so his career will be less stupendous. But only slightly.

13. Arizona Cardinals: David DeCastro, G/Stanford

• What's a smart young man like this doing playing football? He should go design that moon colony Newt's been planning instead.

14. Dallas Cowboys: Mark Barron, S/Alabama*

• HEY! HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS!! ROLL TIDE!!!

15. Philadelphia Eagles: Courtney Upshaw, OLB/Alabama*

• HEY, PAWWWWLLLL! ROLL TIDE AGAIN!!!

16. New York Jets: Melvin Ingram, DE/South Carolina

• You can't help but love this guy's feet, which makes him perfect for Rex Ryan. We've talked a little bit, and even though I still find that fetish a little weird, I can get behind other people doing it. It's why I love this pick so much. Get ready for more sexy, Rexy.

17. Cincinnati Bengals: Cordy Glenn, G/Georgia

• Mark Richt moulds 'em right down there. More tremendous, fat lineman ass.

18. San Diego Chargers: Michael Brockers, DT/LSU

• Yeah, whatevs. Norv Turner fucking sucks. Who cares? Next.

19. Chicago Bears: Coby Fleener, TE/Stanford

• You mean...his name...is...Coby...and he's not black? Got DAMN, son, his wigger parents should be ashamed of themselves and their baby naming abilities!

20. Tennessee Titans: Dre Kirkpatrick, CB/Alabama*

• WOOHOO ROLL MOTHERFUCKING TIDE BITCHES!!!

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Janoris Jenkins, CB/North Alabama

• Now this guy has baby naming ability! Having four kids by 22 is impressive enough, but bestowing beautiful monikers like Janoris Jenkins Jr., Janorian, Legend, and Paris upon them? That's special, man. Natural talent. (Also - does North Alabama qualify for a "Roll Tide?")

22. Cleveland Browns: Rueben Randle, WR/LSU

• Another vertical threat for Pat Shurmur to not use, Randle will excel at dropping every seven yard curl route thrown his way.

23. Detroit Lions: Stephon Gilmore, CB/South Carolina

• I'm suspicious of this young black man. That family portrait looks nice, but man, I'd be shooting every one of 'em if they came walking down my street. (But only if they had Skittles, of course. The taste of the rainbow is the only thing almost as intoxicating as the taste of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.)

24. Pittsburgh Steelers: Donta Hightower, LB/Alabama*

• This is my last one for the day, so Ima make it count: RROOOOLLLLLLLL TTTTIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

25. Denver Broncos: Jerel Worthy, DT/Michigan State

• The Broncos have Peyton Manning now, so really they could just put nine stiffs out on defense and get to the AFC Championship. But if they wanna try on defense, that's cool too, I guess.

26. Houston Texans: Ron Paul, K/Gettysburg College

• The Texans are a solid team, but they lack two things: a consistent kicker and a gynecologist who can properly insert Wade Phillips' tampons. This 76-year-old does both extremely well, and though he may not have a long career, the Texans are looking to win now. This is definitely the pick. (Unless Kendall Wright is available, of course.)

27. New England Patriots: Whitney Mercilus, DE/Illinois**

• Dammit, those heathens at the University of Illinois. They rejected me, but in my mind I knew I was better than them all along. How can anyone named after a singing cocaine addict and coached by Ron Zook be an effective NFL lineman? Those Patriots always seem to draft good, but this pick...man, I dunno. Looks doomed if you ask me.

28. Green Bay Packers: Shea McClellin, OLB/Boise State

• White guy. Idaho. Grit. Moxie. Next Clay Matthews. Has to be.

29. Baltimore Ravens: Peter Konz, C/Wisconsin

• Though grit and moxie are the most important traits for most positions, offensive linemen succeed based on dairy consumption. It's why the guys that come from Wisconsin are the best.

30. San Francisco 49ers: Kevin Zeitler, G/Wisconsin

• Ditto.

31. New England Patriots: Mitt Romney, TE/BYU

• I can vouch for you: this Mormon truly does have a tight end. I loved slapping that ass in the green room during our debates. Man, I miss those times. Even though he's kind of a cuntface, he'll work well with noted asshat Bill Belichick. Redemption for New England here.

32. New York Giants: Amini Silatolu, OT/Midwestern State

• Apparently this Midwestern State is located in Texas? I'll have to take a note of that. Didn't know Texas was Midwestern. Will have Karen tell the kids after Dead Fetus Picturebook Time during homeschool.

* * *

MAN. Well, that was pretty exhausting, huh guys? But now you know everything you need to know about the Draft coming up tomorrow, and that knowledge is far more important than, say, a basic understanding of human decency or sensible tax policy. And with that I say: God Bless you all, God Bless the National Football League, God Bless Coach Jon Gruden, God Bless the United States of America, and, of course, God Bless the Highland St. Paul Angela Michael Anti-Dead Baby White Person Catholic Broken Condom Mistake Jamahiriyah!

*Final count: #RollTide - 5, #WarEagle - 0. Sadface.

**Final count: #Illini - 1, #Mizzou - 0. Fuck the world.

Hasta Luego, Miguel

Mike Martz answered the question nobody was asking yesterday.

The erstwhile offensive genius of the NFL has officially announced his retirement from coaching. As no team publicly sought Martz's services after his resignation from the Bears earlier this year, Martz's statement puzzled the media and the Twittersphere. Many no doubt saw it as one last, shameless grab at the spotlight by a man whose coaching star has faded- though his ego has not.

When a team hires Martz to its coaching staff, it can be sure of two things. The first: Martz will piss somebody off. He's certainly a little aloof and not a particularly warm fellow, and telling him to change his approach is a futile, if not counterproductive, exercise. His image as some sort of nutty professor, white-haired and bespectacled and shredding defenses with reckless abandon, has both made and ruined his reputation over the years.

The other, more important certainty lies somewhere more quantifiable- more points will be scored. AThe converse also holds true- after Martz is fired, less points will be scored.* The facts bear it out (Martz's years with team listed in bold):

1998 Rams- 285 points (24th)

1999 Rams- 526 points (1st)

2005 Rams- 363 points (11th)

2006 Rams- 367 points (10th)
(*Yeah, so the whole "Fire Martz and Get Worse" thesis doesn't bear true here, but after 2006 it all went to hell for the Rams. Their scoring offense rankings since 2007- 28th, 30th, 32nd, 26th, 32nd. Having watched most of the shitty games in this era of 15-65 football, I can say it was as depressing, if not more so, than the stats make it look.)

2005 Lions- 254 points (28th)

2006 Lions- 305 points (21st)

2007 Lions- 346 points (16th)

2008 Lions- 268 points (27th)**

(**With Martz in 2007, the Lions went 7-9. Jon Fucking Kitna threw for 4,000 yards. After canning their wonderful offensive coordinator, they promptly dropped to 0-16 the following year.)

2007 49ers- 219 points (32nd)

2008 49ers- 339 points (22nd)

2009 49ers- 330 points (18th)

2009 Bears- 327 points (19th)

2010 Bears- 331 points (21st)

2011 Bears- 353 points (17th)

2012 Bears- ???

I know that after 1999 the record doesn't look so hot. Remember, though, that the 49ers and Lions had shitty players during his tenures there and that he nearly led a team to the Super Bowl on the back of a third-string quarterback just last year. Maybe those Super Bowl runs with the Rams were the perfect combination of scheme and talent at the perfect time, enough to mask some of the deficiencies in Martz's personality and coaching style. Maybe. The numbers and the anecdotal evidence lead me to believe the man still hasn't totally lost it.

Let me first point out the problems with my argument. I look at his career from a kid's wide eyes behind blue-and-gold-tinted glasses. I know I'm incredibly jaded from the past five years of Rams sucking and look back on the good old days as better than they really were. I realize the zenith of his coaching career, Super Bowl XXXIV, took place when I was seven years and one day old, and at that time I didn't understand football like I do (after a good ten years of Madden) today. I understand that he's sort of a dick and kind of a mercenary and that most people don't like him, which matters in a sport with as many interrelated parts as football does.

But if you really play to win the game, you should probably want that dick on your side. The man nearly doubled a team's offensive output in a single year. So his style leaves quarterbacks and defenses vulnerable. Tough shit for them. So he likes to do things his way. Get used to it. So do Mike Leach and Dana Holgorsen, and everybody loves them.

The NFL emphasizes notions of parity and competitive balance more than any other sport. Unfortunately, that mindset filters from the league suits to individual front offices and ultimately through an incestuous coaching pool. Everybody seeks to do things the same way, the Right Way, building defense and a strong running game. Most football fans see through this bullshit. Most coaches still don't.

Mike Martz was the rare exception, and count this blogger's voice in amongst the tiny chorus who will miss his presence on the sideline next fall.

Hide Your Tebowners: A Few Thoughts on a Relatively Anonymous Quarterback

Last semester, for a variety of unimportant reasons to be examined never, I took a religion class, and got damn did I dread it. As an atheist, I figured it would be me and a couple hundred Bible thumpers of all different varieties. There would be a few C.S. Lewis-reading hipsters, and some more gun-toting flag-waving hicks, and even more average people who claim their Christian faith but do little in their lives to demonstrate it. There's nothing wrong with any of these (admittedly short-sighted) stereotypes; everyone has their own ways when dealing with higher powers, as well they should. It's just not the way I roll. I figured I'd just sit in a corner and keep my mouth shut, and at least enjoy the comedy provided by the inevitable bastardization of Jesus' actions and words into justification for bigotry and intolerance.

Of course, then, it became my favorite class, but not for the reasons I thought. The whole thing turned out to be genuinely enjoyable. Sure, there were some comments and viewpoints shared that I wouldn't agree with, but there were no examples of cray-cray zealotry. Disagreement and debate were always polite. The class centered around Christianity (of course), but nobody complained when it turned to Buddhism and Islam. When a Wiccan guest lecturer spoke, nobody even asked if he was a witch (or threatened to burn him at the stake!). People just didn't say stupid shit, and that surprised me in the best way possible.

Then we talked about Tim Tebow.

***

The genius of Tebow, and more specifically the marketing campaign that surrounds him, is that his name comes up in places and discussions it should never appear in. Athletes that get the type of incessant coverage in and out of the sporting world that Tebow has usually meet two criteria: 1) they must kill some dogs and/or rape some women (or perhaps commit the equally heinous crime of divorcing a Kardashian!), and 2) they must be good enough at their sporting day job for us to give a shit. Tebow doesn't come close to meeting either of these requirements. All he had to do was kneel.

To say that any NFL quarterback is a significant figure in modern religion is blasphemy. To give that honor to a man at the helm of the league's second-worst passing offense only heightens the sin. Yet there we were, sitting in 313 Strickland, capitulating to the ESPN-manufactured narrative of Tebow as a Figure of Significance, making him matter way more than he should.

Football, like any other sport, is great because no matter what level it's played on, in the end it's just a game. It's a diversion from the heavier issues that legitimately plague our lives and our culture and out Earth. Any individual outcome doesn't effect the course of our lives or of American history or of the universe. Despite the outsize attention and love we show for football- and this blog is one of the worst offenders- in the end, none of it matters.

The natural human impulse of finding meaning in meaninglessness has to work its way into everything, though, and that impulse has settled its focus upon the quarterback of the now 9-9 Denver Broncos. I don't know if he believes his Lord & Savior Jesus Christ actively intervenes to help him win football games. If God does exist, I hope he would help the billions of people that can't find or afford food and shelter before a millionaire quarterback that can't throw a spiral. I don't think divine intervention is the secret to Tebow's success. I sure hope it isn't.

***

Our religion class spent a good twenty minutes discussing Tim Tebow a week or so after his frantic late touchdown scramble to beat the Jets launched Tebowmania in earnest. A few people praised his willingness to expose his beliefs to such ridicule (upon which you wonder how much hatred people could really have for the player that sells more jerseys than any other in the NFL). Another girl loudly defended his right to speak his mind and wondered what exactly the haters were trying to achieve.

It was then I decided, in a last-ditch effort to restore sanity, I had to break my vow of silence and talk for the first time in the semester. Wasn't a big indignant speech or anything; I just pointed out how popular he actually is and how the underdog role he's fashioned is pretty much bullshit (after all, what bigger advantage can one have in life than God's hand actively intervening on their behalf?), and that I support people who are good at what they do*. What's so special about a guy who gets paid to play quarterback but can't even throw a spiral?

And then I waited for the backlash that didn't come.

There would be one more comment. This girl grew up in Serbia and still has quite a heavy accent, yet in her words she exhibited the greatest understanding of football and culture and religion and America I have ever seen.

"Yeah, I just don't understand what the big deal is. I mean, like he said, if Tebow's a shitty player that doesn't even matter, why should we care about him?"

Nobody had an answer for her question.

College Football 2011- In List Form

OUR FINAL POLL

1. LSU
2. Oklahoma State
3. Alabama
4. Stanford
5. Wisconsin
6. USC
7. Boise State
8. Oregon
9. Kansas State
10. Arkansas
11. Baylor
12. South Carolina
13. Clemson
14. Michigan
15. Southern Miss
16. Virginia Tech
17. Houston
18. TCU
19. Michigan State
20. Georgia
21. West Virginia
22. Oklahoma
23. Georgia Tech
24. Nebraska
25. Missouri (FOR THE LOLZ)

OUR HEISMAN BALLOT

1. RG3
2. Honey Badger
3. Montee Ball
4. Andrew Luck
5. Trent Richardson
6. Denard Robinson
7. Matt Barkley
8. Case Keenum
9. Sammy Watkins
10. Nathan Scheelhaase/AJ Jenkins (co-champs)

COACH OF THE YEAR

1. Ron Zook (OBVIOUSLY)
2. Rick Neuheisel (the poor man's Zook for the poor man's Champaign-Urbana)
3. Paul Johnson (for the triple-option and for not giving a fuck)
4. Gary Pinkel (for the drunkards)
5. Brian Kelly (for his strong resemblance to Grimace of McDonald's fame)
6. Paul Rhoads
7. Mike Gundy 
8. Kevin Sumlin
9. Les Miles
10. Bill Snyder (actual winner- for his evil overlord powers)

ASSISTANT COACH OF THE YEAR

1. Ted Roof 
2. Charlie Weis
3. Jerry Sandusky

WORST TRAVESTIES

1. Me not getting an interview for the Illinois head coaching position
2. Penn State
3. Rematch in the BCS Championship
4. Nick Saban
5. Kansas' defense

BEST THINGS

1. Mizzou moving to the SEC
2. Mike Leach finally hired by Washington State
3. Plot to assassinate Ron Zook foiled
4. Michigan State-Wisconsin games
5. Oklahoma running classic QB Power

BEST SPORT, BEST TV SHOW, BEST THING ABOUT LIFE IN TWO THOUSAND AND ELEVEN THE YEAR OF OUR LORDS BEAR BRYANT/PAT DYE/TIM TEBOW

1. College Football

College Football Poll- The EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL! Edition

Horrible things are happening in college football, you guys. Boise State has lost! Stanford has lost! Oklahoma State is about to lose to the juggernaut that is Oklahoma! These teams were three of our favorites; we wanted to see one of them take on LSU for the national championship. Had that happened, there would be no bad result in our eyes. We have noted our love for Les Miles and LSU before, and have no problem with them taking home another title for the SEC! SEC! SEC! (Are we Mizzou folk allowed that cheer yet?) But we also love the multitalented Mike Gundy, Andrew Luck and his enviable neck beard, and, of course, the Idahoan smurfs who will be number one in our hearts forever. 

Stanford and Boise appear to have no shot at this point; Oklahoma State has a seeming walkover in Ames (though you never know when Paul Rhoads will get Iowa State playing quality football) before a stiff test against the archrival Sooners in the last-week Bedlam game that may serve as a de-facto play in for the national championship. Though Oklahoma will miss Ryan Broyles, the little engine that's powered their ruthlessly effective passing game for what seems like forever, the Sooners' talent caliber still overwhelms the Cowboys' as a whole. In the end, Okie State will have to score, and score a shit ton, to give themselves a chance, as their rather porous (but opportunistic) defense will not stop the Sooners. We hope Gundy can find a way to pull it out, but we just don't see it happening.

Where does that leave us? The short answer- some level of chaos. It could be DEFCON 3, or it could be DEFCON 1, but a hypothetical Oklahoma State loss leaves the BCS without two clear choices. This isn't Auburn-Oregon of last year, or Texas-USC of a few years ago. The outcome won't be objective. It won't be fair. People gon' be pissssed.

Here's the DEFCON 3 scenario. Does Alabama deserve a rematch with LSU after losing an ugly game at home? Does Oregon deserve another neutral field game against the Tigers after their own week one loss? Does nobody deserve a rematch, opening the door to an Oklahoma team that got dominated at home by a shitty Texas Tech team? Does Oklahoma State, who blew out the Red Raiders 66-6 on the road, deserve to stay ahead of their in-state rivals after a hypothetical loss? If Clemson wins out, they'll have impressive wins over Auburn, South Carolina, and Virginia Tech (twice); how are they worse than an Alabama squad that's beaten Arkansas, Penn State, Auburn, and nobody else? Or should we just say fuck it and put Houston in the national championship instead? 

Where we all really go to hell, though, is if Arkansas goes into Tiger Stadium and beats LSU on Black Friday. If this happens, the top three teams in the SEC West will all be 11-1, ranked in the top five, and sporting losses to each other, we will be at DEFCON 1, Iran will drop a nuke on Mike Slive's bunker, and Jon Huntsman will become president.  

But really, though- how do you break the tie to determine who gets to wipe Georgia off the field in the SEC Championship? Alabama will have the most convincing win, a resounding victory over a banged-up Arkansas at home. Arkansas will have the best win, knocking off #1 in their own house. LSU will have the best body of work, having rolled through the SEC and beating Oregon along the way. 

The system that would determine who gets that right? The BCS rankings, of course. It's the BCS determining the BCS, it's own self-fulfilling prophecy. With the Penn State scandal making the game no fun off the field, the last thing the game needs is another huge BCS controversy.

So please, LSU and Oklahoma State- make this simple for everyone and just win the rest of your fucking games pretty please?!

We finish with our poll. Be looking for something non-football related soon. -kw-

1. LSU
2. Oklahoma State
3. Oregon
4. Alabama
5. Oklahoma
6. Arkansas
7. Clemson
8. Houston
9. Stanford
10. Virginia Tech
11. Boise State
12. Georgia
13. Kansas State
14. Wisconsin
15. South Carolina
16. Southern Miss
17. Michigan State
18. Michigan
19. Nebraska
20. Baylor
21. TCU
22. Virginia
23. Notre Dame
24. Georgia Tech
25. Illinois (FOR THE LOLZ)

Darkness in Happy Valley

There are few certain things in this world - death, taxes, gravity, Rams losses. Tonight, there is one less certainty.

Joe Paterno has been fired as Penn State head football coach. On Saturday, for the first time in over 60 years, he will not roam the Nittany Lions sideline at Beaver Stadium.

Football coaches, by the nature of the profession, don't last long in one place. The job is just too hard. The head coach is a teacher, a tactician, a counselor, a business manager, a policeman, a CEO- all in one job held by one man. The demands of time, family, and body drive some from the profession; demands of on-field performance drive out many more.

For a man to last as a major conference Division I head football coach for the 18 years I have been alive is surprising. To last the 43 years of my parent's lives is remarkable. While clearly Paterno took less on far less responsibility than the average head man over the last decade or so of his career, he was still the boss, a testament to his legend, his lucidity, his ruthlessness, and in part, as we have learned, his negligence.

By now, the sickening details and horrific allegations of child abuse against former Penn State assistant Jerry Sandusky have been rehashed again and again. We won't discuss them anymore because, quite frankly, we don't need to know anymore.

What we do need to know, the question we do need to ask, is simple. How? How did nobody know a pedophile was walking in their midst? After multiple complaints, how could nobody put the pieces of the puzzle together? How could Mike McQueary do nothing after seeing a 55 year old man raping a 10 year old boy in the football locker room? How could four men in leadership positions (McQueary, Paterno, vice president Gary Schultz (who was in charge of the police department) and athletic director Tim Curley), four men in the business of educating young people, four men who claim to follow the motto "success with honor," successively fail not only to report the incident to police, but even to confront Sandusky himself about it?

"With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more."

The old cliché that hindsight is 20/20 has always struck me as totally unsatisfactory, no more so than in this case. It's a natural impulse to dwell on bygone events. But, as my wise mother always says, "you can't go back and unring a bell." The past is the past now. It is gruesome, it is awful, people deserve to pay for it, and it cannot be changed. It all leads to the biggest question these men must ask themselves everyday for a significant number of days. How can I look in the mirror each morning, knowing what I have (and have not) done, and go on with life as usual?

In 61 years at Penn State, Joe Paterno did so much right. In this situation, though, one can't skate by on some sort of lifetime achievement award. What happened years ago, and the (lack of) reaction to it, was unacceptable. We all face the same challenge with humanity- namely, that people are inconsistent and unpredictable. Good people do bad things. Worse, bad people can seem good.

Though Joe Paterno the football icon was an institution bigger than his institution, Joe Paterno remained a human being. He leaves in shame the gigantic hole he occupied for so long, a hole that threatens to swallow the identity of Penn State that he so carefully constructed over the course of his lifetime. What happened makes no sense, and never will. The whole situation is incredibly sad; the outcome for Paterno, deserved and unavoidable.

In State College, God is dead. It's the end of everything. Nobody escapes. Everybody loses.

The victimized young men most of all.