(DISCLAIMER: We did not come up with the idea for this post. For complaints about offensiveness, contact somebody who lives in Highland and goes to UIUC. There are like 15 of them. Take your pick.)
URBANA, IL- A starting safety for the University of Illinois football team was shot in the hand at an off-campus party Sunday night by a disgruntled fan who claims the incident was a hit gone wrong.
Trulon Henry and two other victims were shot by 35-year old Todd Bradley, a sociology teacher from Troy, IL, after a brief fight on the patio of the Urbana home.
While Bradley struck a blow to the reeling Illini football team, it wasn't the one he hoped. Multiple sources confirmed Bradley's actual target was embattled head coach Ron Zook.
"I'm pissed at my murder coach, Motherfucker Jones," said Bradley in an exclusive interview with this blog. "He told me that dumbass Zook was gonna be there, and goddammit, he was nowhere to be found! I was suspicious that there weren't no middle aged white people there. The intelligence failed me, man! I just did what I had to do to get outta there alive afterwards."
Bradley claimed he received directions to the house from a co-worker, Doug Strong, who claimed to have a friendship with Zook. He became suspicious as he was led to what has been officially termed a "sketchy" neighborhood by witty UIUC engineering students that have never ever seen a ghetto in their motherfucking overprotected lives.
"I come to the house, and I'm kinda surprised a guy that makes so much money would live in this shack across the corner from Church's, but when I got inside and saw the people, it all made sense," said Bradley. "Apparently it was Soul-Food Sunday. Totally nutso. There were boxes upon boxes of fried chicken, as far as the eye could see. Watermelon seeds littered the floor. Right after I came in, this bitch started doing a keg stand- yeah, that's right, they had a keg of grape soda! And the worst part- the whole place smelled like waffles. Nasty, I tell ya."
Bradley, who wore a dreadlock wig and FUBU jacket in an attempt to "fit into the environment," briefly conversed with a few members of the mostly college-student crowd. According to an eyewitness, the confrontation only broke out when the subject turned to comedy.
"Man, that sumbitch was one crazy Caucasian," said former Illini offensive coordinator and New Mexico head coach Mike Locksley, the only partygoer who agreed to an interview with this blog. "We was in a side room watching YouTube clips of the funniest mothafuckas there is- Eddie Murphy, Charlie Murphy, Chris Rock, Katt Williams, Kevin Hart, Lisa Lampanelli- and the crackah had no problem. But right before we put Pryor on, the guy was like, 'WAYNE BRADY! PUT ON SOME WAYNE BRADY!' We didn't even aks him any questions, we just pulled our Berettas out right then and there."
A firefight ensued, the partygoers packing pistols, Bradley with a
Tommy gun authorities found was registered to a notorious Ugandan arms dealer. Bradley struck the Henry and the two other victims before a bullet through his shoulder rendered him helpless. Police arrived to arrest him immediately.
Zook had no comment on the situation, but said learning of the hit was unnerving. "I only took this job because of the low expectations. People in Chambana don't give a shit; I mean, even this is not even close to what it was like in Gainesville. I was actually in the witness protection program my entire last year at Florida, because these people started a siege around my house. And they all had AK-47s. It's a miracle I'm still alive to coach this shitty football team to four straight losses, really." He later remarked that despite the setback, he remained excited for next week's loss game against Wisconsin.
Some students were disappointed by the failed hit, but most really didn't care. "I actually found out about this on Reddit before I got on this awesome thread about Neil Degrasse Tyson," said Kole Italiano, the only non-Asian student we could find to interview. "I mean, I hear people want to Occupy Zook, but as part of the 1% myself, and as someone who doesn't give a shit about sports at a school with a mostly shitty athletic program, none of this really registers with me, and I don't give a shit, you know? Now let me get back to Skyrim, OK?" (We let him go back to playing Skyrim.)
Henry is expected to make a full recovery. The starting safety, an integral part of the defense, will miss the rest of the season. Let's be honest, though- nobody will really notice anyway.
