Hello There

IT'S BEEN WAY TOO LONG, loyal readers, so here's some happy thoughts for your day.

• The Rams- they made a trade over the weekend! It was a great fucking trade! Rams GM Les Snead basically buttfucked the talentless corpse that is the Redskins roster before dousing it in gasoline and accidentally lighting a match nearby. Two additional first rounders and one additional second rounder just to move up four spots. Just to put the mind-boggling RGIII in Mike Shanahan's bland offense. Just to offset all the points opponents put up on Jim Haslett's sieve of a defense. Yeah, I think I'd take that deal- and the Rams' front office did brilliant work suckering the 'Skins into this haul. Maybe there's hope in St. Louis after all.
• Sleigh Bells- they're coming to the District of Chillumbia! The best metal/cheerleader duo of all time! My mom was like, you hate Christmas music, why are you going to see this? And why is this show in April? (And then I told her to listen to this, which horrified her, but finally made her understand.) It may be hard, but I will convince some sorry and hopeless hipster to go see this shit with me. Can't wait.
• The University of Illinois- as we predicted, they need a new basketball coach! Will it be Brad Stevens? Will it be Shaka Smart? Will it be the electric tandem of Todd Strong and Kalen Wagoner? We hope for any of the above, but believe in the end the man will be Wichita State coach Gregg Marshall. It's too bad, in my opinion, because there's nothing special about the guy. He has the sort of good-but-not-too-good-to-demand-an-actual-salary resume favored by the cash-strapped Illinois athletic department, in addition to the gruff-but-largely-inoffensive persona of most Big Ten coaches. Marshall is a safe choice; I don't think he's the best choice. (He also spells Gregg with two G's at the end, and those guys are usually assholes.)
• Saint Louis University- they made the NCAA Tournament! I would tell some "Rick Majerus is so fat..." jokes, but SLU will get drilled by Memphis anyway, so I will refrain from piling on. Maybe I will finish off this post with some Your Mom jokes for some LOLZ instead.
• In the meantime, I have other things I really should be doing. NEWS! CROSS-CULTURAL JOURNALISM! GLAMOROUS WORK! I shall return soon, and hopefully with more frequency.

UNTIL THEN, peace, love, and basketball, motherfuckers.

Au Revoir, Bruce: An Early Search for Illinois' Next Basketball Coach

If there was any doubt, it's gone now. Illinois needs a new basketball coach.

No matter how much he screams at the oven, Bruce Weber's proverbial turkey refuses to cook, leaving the Fighting Illini with five straight losses and a 16-11 overall record (5-9 in the B1G). Saturday's 23-point loss to visiting Nebraska* featured a 36-4 Cornhusker run that will serve as the signature moment of a shitty season. Much like Ron Zook's horrendous home loss to Purdon't, it also marked the end of a mediocre era.

(*This is fuckin' NEBRASKA, man. The Huskers haven't made the NCAA tournament since 1998, and have never won a game in six March Madness appearances. They proudly display memories of scintillating NIT berths on their website. For the flagship basketball program of a state that contains the ridiculously rich recruiting base of Chicago, any kind of home defeat to Nebraska should be considered a fireable offense. Seriously. Fuckin' NEBRASKA.)

Things started swell for Coach Weber in Champaign. His first team won the Big Ten regular season title and appeared in the Sweet Sixteen. His second team rattled off 29 wins to start the year (something no team may ever accomplish again) and reached the national championship game, falling just short against North Carolina in St. Louis.

And after that? Well, all the good players left. It's OK to have only two offensive plays ("motion" and "move") when your starting backcourt features Deron Williams and Dee Brown and Luther Head. Do the same with DJ Richardson and Brandon Paul and Sam Maniscalco and the results may not look so good. In seven seasons following the Final Four run, the Fighting Illini have just two NCAA tournament wins. The metaphorical lasagna that was so yummy now tastes like shitty Olive Garden takeout.

The majority of this blog's readers currently attend the University of Illinois. I tell you today- be mad as hell. Illini basketball should never settle. It should not be considered a "once-proud" program.

Hundreds of NBA players have grown up just two hours north of Champaign. If Illinois can get one of the top three players out of Chicago every year, the team should never win less than 20 games again. For some reason, though, Bruce Weber doesn't think he can get Derrick Rose or Anthony Davis or Evan Turner. There's nothing wrong with looking for under-the-radar players, but when your recruiting class has less top 150 players than Harvard, well, you might wanna hit the trail a little harder.

Obviously, Bruce Weber isn't a bad basketball coach. A total idiot doesn't win 68% of his games and get to a national championship on accident. He is, however, quite limited, both in recruiting and in strategy. His is a formula that works with Bill Self's players, not Bruce Weber's. His tenure has not been bad, but lately it hasn't been good either. Looking at this season and this blowout loss, it is almost certainly time for a change.

In this spirit, we look forward to a better future. We look for a leader that can capitalize on fertile recruiting territory. We look for a coach with a more varied and adaptable approach. We look for a personality to reinvigorate a stagnant team. We look at the men briefly profiled below.

***

ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS- It won't happen, but it'd be awesome if it would.

• Brad Stevens, Butler- Clearly the best coach in college basketball today. Took Butler to the national championship game twice. However, he's signed with the Bulldogs through 2021 and has turned down other jobs (though none as big as Illinois) in the past. It's also unlikely, even if he's willing to leave Butler, that the cash-strapped Illini can pony up the salary he would demand. If both sides are interested, though, Illinois has to make it happen.

THE REALISTIC LIST- Moderately exciting coaches due for promotion.

• Shaka Smart, VCU- The best of the realistic candidates, Smart led 11th seeded VCU to last year's Final Four. Young and coaches an up-tempo brand of basketball. Smart dude. Doesn't make that much money. Former Billy Donovan assistant (pretty much a golden ticket to promotion in the college coaching ranks). Doesn't have a huge track record, but his enthusiasm would get fans and recruits to notice Illinois again.
• Anthony Grant, Alabama- He was Shaka Smart before Shaka Smart, parlaying his assistant gig under Donovan at Florida into the VCU job, where his team upset Duke in the tournament. Though everyone loves him, his Alabama teams have been mediocre. Would have a better base to build from in Champaign. Good candidate, not great, but you could certainly do worse.

THE LONG SHOTS- Retreads, assistants, and other unlikely candidates.

• Robert Smith, Simeon High School- This vaguely reputable article says Derrick Rose's high school coach could be a serious candidate. Simeon may be one of the top high school programs in the nation, but the jump to a major Big Ten job is still massive. Would likely recruit brilliantly, but the Illini job will attract too much interest from proven coaches to warrant taking a chance on someone with absolutely no college experience.
• Chris Mack, Xavier- A fairly good coach that only gets mention here due to his striking resemblance to Highland High School principal Derek Hacke. This makes him HLA's official third-favorite candidate. 
• Some assistant coach somewhere- If this were football, I'd have the names of a shit ton of coordinators ready to go. Alas, HLA understands football way better than basketball, and you readers will have to deal with that. Hiring an assistant is always a possibility, but AD Mike Thomas allegedly likes candidates with head coaching experience (as he proved in hiring Toledo's Tim Beckman in football). Unlikely, but never say never.
• Some fired coach somewhere- Hiring another school's sloppy seconds doesn't look good, but this is the school that hired Ron Zook two weeks after he was done fucking Florida over. Ben Howland, who took UCLA to two Final Fours, could get his walking papers; Jeff Capel, Blake Griffin's old coach, is another fired commodity on the open market. These wouldn't be exciting choices, but then neither was Frank Haith- and look a how that's worked out for Mizzou.

IF THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR GOES ON A COCAINE BINGE, SEES A UFO, FOLLOWS IT TO HIGHLAND, IL, AND ONLY INTERVIEWS CANDIDATES IN THAT PODUNK SHITHOLE TOWN- These men have what it takes, but for whatever reason their brilliance continues unrecognized by the greater sporting community.

• Todd Strong- Highland High School's head basketball coach rubs some the wrong way for reasons unknown to this blogger. A fiery and brilliant leader of men, he is also a leading expert in social psychology. While recruiting would be difficult for the one-eyed Strong (as he cannot legally drive at night), vaunted assistants Sam Weber and Caleb Houchins would do much of the dirty work for him. Could use notoriety of the Illini job as a springboard to run for Senate on a post-Tea-Party platform that is really just a bunch of batshit conspiracy theories about Blacks, Asians, Latinos, Pacific Islanders, Jews, Muslims, Wiccans, and their massive left-wing conspiracy to raise the world's oil prices. (His solution? NUKE THE FUCK OUT OF THE MIDDLE EAST.) With his potential to solve the problems of the world as well as those of Illinois basketball, Todd Strong is the socially conscious man's choice to lead the Illini in 2012.
• Kalen Wagoner- The greatest coach NCAA Basketball 06 for the Playstation 2 has ever known, I promise to bring my unique brand of phenomenal swag from Columbia to the Chambana area. My unparalleled knowledge and love of everything R. Kelly has ever done ensures that I will relate to the African-American inner-city youth that tend to be blessed with basketball playin' genes. I will employ my many genius friends already at U of I as the collective Jonah Hill to my Brad Pitt, ensuring our on-court efficiency with sound off-court computer engineering. We will only shoot three pointers on offense and only use an aggressive full-court trap on defense. Though I have little coaching experience, my brilliance is so obvious that I cannot be rejected for both the football and basketball jobs at UIUC. After my hiring, Illinois basketball, you're gonna like the way you look- I guarantee it.

***

It is time for change Illinois basketball can believe in. It is time for bold decisions. It is not a time to settle. It is not a time for conventionality. The leader of the program must pursue excellence with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. We at HLA are fans of the University of Illinois and would be honored to serve if called upon. We believe Illinois basketball will be great again, and we will cheer them on along the way.

(But don't expect too much. You will never be the best because you will never be Mizzou.)

Goodnight, Sweet Prince

Tomorrow, for the first morning in seven years, the world will wake up to find Ron Zook unemployed.

The sun might as well not come up. The Mayans might as well be right. We might as well all just commit suicide and leave it at that, for all is lost.

Now, who will go for two point conversions just for shits and giggles? Who will allow the prolific Scheelhaase-to-Jenkins combo to flourish? Who will create his defensive playbook on the fly by pressing the Ask Madden button? Who will look so hot and dangerous while waterskiing? 

The answer is nobody, my friends. Though there are many worthy candidates for the Illinois head coaching position- namely, Mike Leach and Kalen Wagoner- those men, and all others really, are incapable of filling the Zooker's small, oddly-shaped, putrid-smelling shoes. 

'Tis a shame the old Greek poets have long been gone, for Homer could've written a bitchin' tome about the tragic hero named Ron Zook.

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS IN CHAMPAIGN-URBANA

(DISCLAIMER: We did not come up with the idea for this post. For complaints about offensiveness, contact somebody who lives in Highland and goes to UIUC. There are like 15 of them. Take your pick.)

URBANA, IL- A starting safety for the University of Illinois football team was shot in the hand at an off-campus party Sunday night by a disgruntled fan who claims the incident was a hit gone wrong.

Trulon Henry and two other victims were shot by 35-year old Todd Bradley, a sociology teacher from Troy, IL, after a brief fight on the patio of the Urbana home.

While Bradley struck a blow to the reeling Illini football team, it wasn't the one he hoped. Multiple sources confirmed Bradley's actual target was embattled head coach Ron Zook.

"I'm pissed at my murder coach, Motherfucker Jones," said Bradley in an exclusive interview with this blog. "He told me that dumbass Zook was gonna be there, and goddammit, he was nowhere to be found! I was suspicious that there weren't no middle aged white people there. The intelligence failed me, man! I just did what I had to do to get outta there alive afterwards."

Bradley claimed he received directions to the house from a co-worker, Doug Strong, who claimed to have a friendship with Zook. He became suspicious as he was led to what has been officially termed a "sketchy" neighborhood by witty UIUC engineering students that have never ever seen a ghetto in their motherfucking overprotected lives.

"I come to the house, and I'm kinda surprised a guy that makes so much money would live in this shack across the corner from Church's, but when I got inside and saw the people, it all made sense," said Bradley. "Apparently it was Soul-Food Sunday. Totally nutso. There were boxes upon boxes of fried chicken, as far as the eye could see. Watermelon seeds littered the floor. Right after I came in, this bitch started doing a keg stand- yeah, that's right, they had a keg of grape soda! And the worst part- the whole place smelled like waffles. Nasty, I tell ya."

Bradley, who wore a dreadlock wig and FUBU jacket in an attempt to "fit into the environment," briefly conversed with a few members of the mostly college-student crowd. According to an eyewitness, the confrontation only broke out when the subject turned to comedy.

"Man, that sumbitch was one crazy Caucasian," said former Illini offensive coordinator and New Mexico head coach Mike Locksley, the only partygoer who agreed to an interview with this blog. "We was in a side room watching YouTube clips of the funniest mothafuckas there is- Eddie Murphy, Charlie Murphy, Chris Rock, Katt Williams, Kevin Hart, Lisa Lampanelli- and the crackah had no problem. But right before we put Pryor on, the guy was like, 'WAYNE BRADY! PUT ON SOME WAYNE BRADY!' We didn't even aks him any questions, we just pulled our Berettas out right then and there."

A firefight ensued, the partygoers packing pistols, Bradley with a Tommy gun authorities found was registered to a notorious Ugandan arms dealer. Bradley struck the Henry and the two other victims before a bullet through his shoulder rendered him helpless. Police arrived to arrest him immediately.

Zook had no comment on the situation, but said learning of the hit was unnerving. "I only took this job because of the low expectations. People in Chambana don't give a shit; I mean, even this is not even close to what it was like in Gainesville. I was actually in the witness protection program my entire last year at Florida, because these people started a siege around my house. And they all had AK-47s. It's a miracle I'm still alive to coach this shitty football team to four straight losses, really." He later remarked that despite the setback, he remained excited for next week's loss game against Wisconsin.

Some students were disappointed by the failed hit, but most really didn't care. "I actually found out about this on Reddit before I got on this awesome thread about Neil Degrasse Tyson," said Kole Italiano, the only non-Asian student we could find to interview. "I mean, I hear people want to Occupy Zook, but as part of the 1% myself, and as someone who doesn't give a shit about sports at a school with a mostly shitty athletic program, none of this really registers with me, and I don't give a shit, you know? Now let me get back to Skyrim, OK?" (We let him go back to playing Skyrim.)

Henry is expected to make a full recovery. The starting safety, an integral part of the defense, will miss the rest of the season. Let's be honest, though- nobody will really notice anyway.