Hello There

IT'S BEEN WAY TOO LONG, loyal readers, so here's some happy thoughts for your day.

• The Rams- they made a trade over the weekend! It was a great fucking trade! Rams GM Les Snead basically buttfucked the talentless corpse that is the Redskins roster before dousing it in gasoline and accidentally lighting a match nearby. Two additional first rounders and one additional second rounder just to move up four spots. Just to put the mind-boggling RGIII in Mike Shanahan's bland offense. Just to offset all the points opponents put up on Jim Haslett's sieve of a defense. Yeah, I think I'd take that deal- and the Rams' front office did brilliant work suckering the 'Skins into this haul. Maybe there's hope in St. Louis after all.
• Sleigh Bells- they're coming to the District of Chillumbia! The best metal/cheerleader duo of all time! My mom was like, you hate Christmas music, why are you going to see this? And why is this show in April? (And then I told her to listen to this, which horrified her, but finally made her understand.) It may be hard, but I will convince some sorry and hopeless hipster to go see this shit with me. Can't wait.
• The University of Illinois- as we predicted, they need a new basketball coach! Will it be Brad Stevens? Will it be Shaka Smart? Will it be the electric tandem of Todd Strong and Kalen Wagoner? We hope for any of the above, but believe in the end the man will be Wichita State coach Gregg Marshall. It's too bad, in my opinion, because there's nothing special about the guy. He has the sort of good-but-not-too-good-to-demand-an-actual-salary resume favored by the cash-strapped Illinois athletic department, in addition to the gruff-but-largely-inoffensive persona of most Big Ten coaches. Marshall is a safe choice; I don't think he's the best choice. (He also spells Gregg with two G's at the end, and those guys are usually assholes.)
• Saint Louis University- they made the NCAA Tournament! I would tell some "Rick Majerus is so fat..." jokes, but SLU will get drilled by Memphis anyway, so I will refrain from piling on. Maybe I will finish off this post with some Your Mom jokes for some LOLZ instead.
• In the meantime, I have other things I really should be doing. NEWS! CROSS-CULTURAL JOURNALISM! GLAMOROUS WORK! I shall return soon, and hopefully with more frequency.

UNTIL THEN, peace, love, and basketball, motherfuckers.

Hasta Luego, Miguel

Mike Martz answered the question nobody was asking yesterday.

The erstwhile offensive genius of the NFL has officially announced his retirement from coaching. As no team publicly sought Martz's services after his resignation from the Bears earlier this year, Martz's statement puzzled the media and the Twittersphere. Many no doubt saw it as one last, shameless grab at the spotlight by a man whose coaching star has faded- though his ego has not.

When a team hires Martz to its coaching staff, it can be sure of two things. The first: Martz will piss somebody off. He's certainly a little aloof and not a particularly warm fellow, and telling him to change his approach is a futile, if not counterproductive, exercise. His image as some sort of nutty professor, white-haired and bespectacled and shredding defenses with reckless abandon, has both made and ruined his reputation over the years.

The other, more important certainty lies somewhere more quantifiable- more points will be scored. AThe converse also holds true- after Martz is fired, less points will be scored.* The facts bear it out (Martz's years with team listed in bold):

1998 Rams- 285 points (24th)

1999 Rams- 526 points (1st)

2005 Rams- 363 points (11th)

2006 Rams- 367 points (10th)
(*Yeah, so the whole "Fire Martz and Get Worse" thesis doesn't bear true here, but after 2006 it all went to hell for the Rams. Their scoring offense rankings since 2007- 28th, 30th, 32nd, 26th, 32nd. Having watched most of the shitty games in this era of 15-65 football, I can say it was as depressing, if not more so, than the stats make it look.)

2005 Lions- 254 points (28th)

2006 Lions- 305 points (21st)

2007 Lions- 346 points (16th)

2008 Lions- 268 points (27th)**

(**With Martz in 2007, the Lions went 7-9. Jon Fucking Kitna threw for 4,000 yards. After canning their wonderful offensive coordinator, they promptly dropped to 0-16 the following year.)

2007 49ers- 219 points (32nd)

2008 49ers- 339 points (22nd)

2009 49ers- 330 points (18th)

2009 Bears- 327 points (19th)

2010 Bears- 331 points (21st)

2011 Bears- 353 points (17th)

2012 Bears- ???

I know that after 1999 the record doesn't look so hot. Remember, though, that the 49ers and Lions had shitty players during his tenures there and that he nearly led a team to the Super Bowl on the back of a third-string quarterback just last year. Maybe those Super Bowl runs with the Rams were the perfect combination of scheme and talent at the perfect time, enough to mask some of the deficiencies in Martz's personality and coaching style. Maybe. The numbers and the anecdotal evidence lead me to believe the man still hasn't totally lost it.

Let me first point out the problems with my argument. I look at his career from a kid's wide eyes behind blue-and-gold-tinted glasses. I know I'm incredibly jaded from the past five years of Rams sucking and look back on the good old days as better than they really were. I realize the zenith of his coaching career, Super Bowl XXXIV, took place when I was seven years and one day old, and at that time I didn't understand football like I do (after a good ten years of Madden) today. I understand that he's sort of a dick and kind of a mercenary and that most people don't like him, which matters in a sport with as many interrelated parts as football does.

But if you really play to win the game, you should probably want that dick on your side. The man nearly doubled a team's offensive output in a single year. So his style leaves quarterbacks and defenses vulnerable. Tough shit for them. So he likes to do things his way. Get used to it. So do Mike Leach and Dana Holgorsen, and everybody loves them.

The NFL emphasizes notions of parity and competitive balance more than any other sport. Unfortunately, that mindset filters from the league suits to individual front offices and ultimately through an incestuous coaching pool. Everybody seeks to do things the same way, the Right Way, building defense and a strong running game. Most football fans see through this bullshit. Most coaches still don't.

Mike Martz was the rare exception, and count this blogger's voice in amongst the tiny chorus who will miss his presence on the sideline next fall.

Two Sentences.

GODDAMMIT YOU MOTHERFUCKER COCKSUCKERS THAT MAKE UP THE RAMS FUCKING COACHING STAFF WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU THINKING YOU FUCKTARDS ESPECIALLY YOU JOSH MCDANIELS BUT ALSO YOU STEVE SPAGNUOLO I WON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN IT COMES OUT THAT Y'ALL ARE PULLING PETE ROSE SHIT RIGHT NOW AND BETTING ON YOUR PATHETIC FUCKING FOOTBALL TEAM TO LOSE AND I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE NFL ANYMORE BUT GODDAMN YOU FUCKERS JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND IT'S REALLY FUCKING IRRITATING TO SOME PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT YOU TO GO FLY A FUCKING KITE JUST ALL Y'ALL EVEN THAT CUNT SAM BRADFORD JUST GO TO A BACK ALLEY BAR WHERE YOU CAN GET FUCKED IN THE ASSHOLE BY HERMAN CAIN AND THEN GET SUCKED OFF IN THE GLORY HOLE BY JACK HOFFMAN WHO CAN THEN SHOVE HIS BALL PEEN HAMMER UP ALL Y'ALLS TWATS WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE LEARN HOW TO CALL SOME FUCKING GOAL LINE OFFENSE YOU HAVE FUCKING STEVEN JACKSON AND YOU FUCKING THROW THE FUCKING FOOTBALL TO YOUR SHITTY ASS RECEIVERS GODDAMN FUCK I'D RATHER WATCH TWO GIRLS ONE CUP OR THREE GUYS ONE HAMMER OR FOUR HERMAPHRODITES ONE LADY GAGA OVER YOUR SHITTY FUCKING OFFENSE HOPEFULLY R KELLY COMES TO ST LOUIS TOMORROW AND MISTAKES ALL Y'ALL FOR NINE YEAR OLD GIRLS AND PISSES ALL OVER ALL Y'ALL BEFORE HANDING YOU PINK SLIPS AND REVEALING THAT YOUR WIVES HAVE BEEN CHEATING WITH AFRICAN-AMERICAN MIDGET STRIPPERS WHO ARE BLESSED WITH DISPROPORTIONATELY LARGE GENITALIA AND/OR NEWT GINGRICH IN SUMMATION FUCK ALL Y'ALL.

Even these words are not nearly harsh enough for Steve Spagnuolo, Josh McDaniels, and everybody else associated with your 2-11 St. Louis Rams.