Au Revoir, Bruce: An Early Search for Illinois' Next Basketball Coach

If there was any doubt, it's gone now. Illinois needs a new basketball coach.

No matter how much he screams at the oven, Bruce Weber's proverbial turkey refuses to cook, leaving the Fighting Illini with five straight losses and a 16-11 overall record (5-9 in the B1G). Saturday's 23-point loss to visiting Nebraska* featured a 36-4 Cornhusker run that will serve as the signature moment of a shitty season. Much like Ron Zook's horrendous home loss to Purdon't, it also marked the end of a mediocre era.

(*This is fuckin' NEBRASKA, man. The Huskers haven't made the NCAA tournament since 1998, and have never won a game in six March Madness appearances. They proudly display memories of scintillating NIT berths on their website. For the flagship basketball program of a state that contains the ridiculously rich recruiting base of Chicago, any kind of home defeat to Nebraska should be considered a fireable offense. Seriously. Fuckin' NEBRASKA.)

Things started swell for Coach Weber in Champaign. His first team won the Big Ten regular season title and appeared in the Sweet Sixteen. His second team rattled off 29 wins to start the year (something no team may ever accomplish again) and reached the national championship game, falling just short against North Carolina in St. Louis.

And after that? Well, all the good players left. It's OK to have only two offensive plays ("motion" and "move") when your starting backcourt features Deron Williams and Dee Brown and Luther Head. Do the same with DJ Richardson and Brandon Paul and Sam Maniscalco and the results may not look so good. In seven seasons following the Final Four run, the Fighting Illini have just two NCAA tournament wins. The metaphorical lasagna that was so yummy now tastes like shitty Olive Garden takeout.

The majority of this blog's readers currently attend the University of Illinois. I tell you today- be mad as hell. Illini basketball should never settle. It should not be considered a "once-proud" program.

Hundreds of NBA players have grown up just two hours north of Champaign. If Illinois can get one of the top three players out of Chicago every year, the team should never win less than 20 games again. For some reason, though, Bruce Weber doesn't think he can get Derrick Rose or Anthony Davis or Evan Turner. There's nothing wrong with looking for under-the-radar players, but when your recruiting class has less top 150 players than Harvard, well, you might wanna hit the trail a little harder.

Obviously, Bruce Weber isn't a bad basketball coach. A total idiot doesn't win 68% of his games and get to a national championship on accident. He is, however, quite limited, both in recruiting and in strategy. His is a formula that works with Bill Self's players, not Bruce Weber's. His tenure has not been bad, but lately it hasn't been good either. Looking at this season and this blowout loss, it is almost certainly time for a change.

In this spirit, we look forward to a better future. We look for a leader that can capitalize on fertile recruiting territory. We look for a coach with a more varied and adaptable approach. We look for a personality to reinvigorate a stagnant team. We look at the men briefly profiled below.

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ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS- It won't happen, but it'd be awesome if it would.

• Brad Stevens, Butler- Clearly the best coach in college basketball today. Took Butler to the national championship game twice. However, he's signed with the Bulldogs through 2021 and has turned down other jobs (though none as big as Illinois) in the past. It's also unlikely, even if he's willing to leave Butler, that the cash-strapped Illini can pony up the salary he would demand. If both sides are interested, though, Illinois has to make it happen.

THE REALISTIC LIST- Moderately exciting coaches due for promotion.

• Shaka Smart, VCU- The best of the realistic candidates, Smart led 11th seeded VCU to last year's Final Four. Young and coaches an up-tempo brand of basketball. Smart dude. Doesn't make that much money. Former Billy Donovan assistant (pretty much a golden ticket to promotion in the college coaching ranks). Doesn't have a huge track record, but his enthusiasm would get fans and recruits to notice Illinois again.
• Anthony Grant, Alabama- He was Shaka Smart before Shaka Smart, parlaying his assistant gig under Donovan at Florida into the VCU job, where his team upset Duke in the tournament. Though everyone loves him, his Alabama teams have been mediocre. Would have a better base to build from in Champaign. Good candidate, not great, but you could certainly do worse.

THE LONG SHOTS- Retreads, assistants, and other unlikely candidates.

• Robert Smith, Simeon High School- This vaguely reputable article says Derrick Rose's high school coach could be a serious candidate. Simeon may be one of the top high school programs in the nation, but the jump to a major Big Ten job is still massive. Would likely recruit brilliantly, but the Illini job will attract too much interest from proven coaches to warrant taking a chance on someone with absolutely no college experience.
• Chris Mack, Xavier- A fairly good coach that only gets mention here due to his striking resemblance to Highland High School principal Derek Hacke. This makes him HLA's official third-favorite candidate. 
• Some assistant coach somewhere- If this were football, I'd have the names of a shit ton of coordinators ready to go. Alas, HLA understands football way better than basketball, and you readers will have to deal with that. Hiring an assistant is always a possibility, but AD Mike Thomas allegedly likes candidates with head coaching experience (as he proved in hiring Toledo's Tim Beckman in football). Unlikely, but never say never.
• Some fired coach somewhere- Hiring another school's sloppy seconds doesn't look good, but this is the school that hired Ron Zook two weeks after he was done fucking Florida over. Ben Howland, who took UCLA to two Final Fours, could get his walking papers; Jeff Capel, Blake Griffin's old coach, is another fired commodity on the open market. These wouldn't be exciting choices, but then neither was Frank Haith- and look a how that's worked out for Mizzou.

IF THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR GOES ON A COCAINE BINGE, SEES A UFO, FOLLOWS IT TO HIGHLAND, IL, AND ONLY INTERVIEWS CANDIDATES IN THAT PODUNK SHITHOLE TOWN- These men have what it takes, but for whatever reason their brilliance continues unrecognized by the greater sporting community.

• Todd Strong- Highland High School's head basketball coach rubs some the wrong way for reasons unknown to this blogger. A fiery and brilliant leader of men, he is also a leading expert in social psychology. While recruiting would be difficult for the one-eyed Strong (as he cannot legally drive at night), vaunted assistants Sam Weber and Caleb Houchins would do much of the dirty work for him. Could use notoriety of the Illini job as a springboard to run for Senate on a post-Tea-Party platform that is really just a bunch of batshit conspiracy theories about Blacks, Asians, Latinos, Pacific Islanders, Jews, Muslims, Wiccans, and their massive left-wing conspiracy to raise the world's oil prices. (His solution? NUKE THE FUCK OUT OF THE MIDDLE EAST.) With his potential to solve the problems of the world as well as those of Illinois basketball, Todd Strong is the socially conscious man's choice to lead the Illini in 2012.
• Kalen Wagoner- The greatest coach NCAA Basketball 06 for the Playstation 2 has ever known, I promise to bring my unique brand of phenomenal swag from Columbia to the Chambana area. My unparalleled knowledge and love of everything R. Kelly has ever done ensures that I will relate to the African-American inner-city youth that tend to be blessed with basketball playin' genes. I will employ my many genius friends already at U of I as the collective Jonah Hill to my Brad Pitt, ensuring our on-court efficiency with sound off-court computer engineering. We will only shoot three pointers on offense and only use an aggressive full-court trap on defense. Though I have little coaching experience, my brilliance is so obvious that I cannot be rejected for both the football and basketball jobs at UIUC. After my hiring, Illinois basketball, you're gonna like the way you look- I guarantee it.

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It is time for change Illinois basketball can believe in. It is time for bold decisions. It is not a time to settle. It is not a time for conventionality. The leader of the program must pursue excellence with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. We at HLA are fans of the University of Illinois and would be honored to serve if called upon. We believe Illinois basketball will be great again, and we will cheer them on along the way.

(But don't expect too much. You will never be the best because you will never be Mizzou.)