The Scientific Index of the Greatest Teams in Collegiate Football as of September 28, 2011

THROUGH THE WIZARDLY SECRET FORMULA WE USE TO CALCULATE SUCH THINGS, the Highland Liberation Army has elucidated the foolproof list of the 25 best teams that play football in colleges throughout America as of this fine Wednesday afternoon. In the interest of keeping the formula's secrets as safe as the Bush's baked beans recipe (and to save me time to write a paper about counterinsurgency in Malaya and Vietnam), we offer no explanation of the rankings...only the list itself.

1. LSU
2. Alabama
3. Boise State (will rise to top 2 after epic LSU-Alabama game)
4. Wisconsin
5. Oklahoma
6. Oklahoma State
7. Florida
8. Stanford
9. South Carolina
10. Oregon
11. Virginia Tech
12. Nebraska
13. Georgia Tech
14. Texas
15. Clemson
16. Texas A&M
17. TCU
18. Arizona State
19. Baylor
20. Iowa State
21. Houston
22. Illinois
23. Notre Dame
24. West Virginia
25. Kansas State

Until the next post, just watch this video on a loop. Mike Gundy- he's a man, he's 40, and he's DAMN SEXY thank you very much! -kw-

Reading- We Do It!

As we attempt (mostly, in vain) to move this blog away from college football polls and into shit normal people might give a shit about, I have decided to start reading books and talk about the shit I read in them! I will read popular books! Bestsellers! James Patterson/JK Rowling shit! Right? WRONG!

So, be on the lookout for fine literary analysis of these three books in the next few months.

• Requiem for a Dream (the obscure novel that is the basis for one of the more amazing movies of all time. The greatest question, though- does the book also contain a character named Uncle Hank?)
• The Breaks of the Game (you know you want to read about the 1978 Portland Trailblazers season. Come on, you know you do.)
• Brilliant Orange: The Neurotic Genius of Dutch Soccer (seriously. This is a real book that I really want to read)

UNTIL THEN, be more productive than I am doing all this worthless reading. Study for your classes. Read good writing at mizzousportswriters.com (HEY I WROTE THERE ABOUT A FOOTBALL TEAM YOU PROBABLY DON'T CARE ABOUT BUT HEY READ IT ANYWAY!)

Listen to Japandroids. Fuck bitches and get money. You won't be sorry you did. -kw-

CFB Rankin', Week 4

We have no fancy introduction this time because we have shit to do; namely, reading a hundred or so pages about journalism in 2002 (so germane to today's environment!) Today, therefore, each team gets a one sentence justification of its ranking. In the interest of brevity after the 3000 word week 1 preview, this will be a fine change for yours truly; hopefully the reader benefits too!

Without further ado, here 'tis-

1. LSU- Les Miles is a fucking genius, and if you ate the PCP-laced grass that is the field of Tiger Stadium you would be too.
2. Boise State- After winning the national championship, Chris Petersen and Kellen Moore will take their talents to Hollywood and star in a buddy comedy, The Scientologist Squad, which I personally cannot wait for.
3. Alabama- Nick Saban doesn't have time for this blogging shit.
4. Wisconsin- Were You Aware?- sometimes, the Wisconsin Badgers football team runs the football!
5. Oklahoma- STOOPSFACE!
6. Texas A&M- Would be higher if Rick Perry wasn't an alum there.
7. Stanford- LUCKBEARD!
8. Oklahoma State- Imagine the dread of Lane Kiffin and the rest of the USC players when they have to make the long flight to war-torn Stillwater, Afghanistan to take on the Pac-16 bound Pokes.
9. South Carolina- Don't be clownin' with Jadeveon Clowney, mothafuckas.
10. Florida- Proves that tight pants on fat men give one a decided schematic advantage.
11. Nebraska- Carl Pelini is best Pelini!
12. Arkansas- WHO GONNA GET RYAN MALLETT A SCANTRON??? WHO GONNA GET TYLER WILSON A BUNSEN BURNER??? WHO GONNA GET BOBBY PETRINO A SOUL??? (somehow, this is one sentence)
13. Virginia Tech- Were You Aware?- sometimes, the Virginia Tech Hokies football team plays offense competently (but usually not)!
14. Oregon- WOW WHO IS THIS KALEN WAGONER GUY WHO WROTE THIS ARTICLE THIS GUY IS RETARDED AND KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT OREGON FOOTBALL.
15. South Florida- Men named Skip are men worth trusting.
16. West Virginia- Because my dream in life is to party at a Morgantown casino at 3 AM on a Wednesday with Dana Holgorsen.
17. Georgia Tech- Not 100...not 200...not 300...not 400...not 500...604 FUCKING YARDS RUSHING IN ONE GAME HOLY SHIT (remember, though- 600 yards against Kansas=60 yards against real football team).
18. Baylor- Were You Aware?- The Baylor Bears are pissed that conferences are ignoring the will of God and leaving their Baptist asses without a prayer in the world (If you're feeling down, Baylor, I know a guy named David Koresh who can help you out!)
19. Iowa State- Somebody give Paul Rhoads a real fucking job, the man's won three times as much as Chizik did already.
20. Illinois- DAAYYYUUUUMMMMM THEIR COACH BE A HOTTT PIECE OF ASS!!!!!! UIUC, slowly becoming somewhat competent in something other than computer engineering!
21. Mississippi State- Deep, unconditional love for Dan Mullen and the immortal Relf-to-Bumphis passing combination.
22. Notre Dame- I know, I know, this is a WTF; but besides the turnovers and BRIAN KELLY PURPLEFACE, they've been pretty damn good, as proved by trouncing a very solid Michigan State side.
23. Texas- I MISS WATCHING FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS WAAAAHHHHHH
24. Auburn- Anything to please the readers, but I must admit- this blog was absolutely giddy to see a college team in Clemson beat the well-paid professional squad fielded by Auburn. WE LOVE OUR READERS THOUGH, so we still rank the War-Damn-Eagle-Tigers.
25. Vanderbilt- Because we will never have as good a reason as this to rank them in the future.

LITERARY AND INTELLIGENT CONTENT COMING SOON. Until then, everyday I'm shuff-a-lin, and you should do the same. -kw-