Highly Questionable Post is Highly Questionable

Nothing fancy today. I will get back to making good posts soon.

1. Oklahoma State*
2. Alabama
3. LSU
4. Wisconsin
5. Oklahoma
6. Stanford
7. Boise State**
8. Arkansas
9. Kansas State
10. Oregon
11. Clemson
12. Texas A&M
13. Virginia Tech
14. Nebraska
15. Michigan State
16. West Virginia
17. Houston
18. Auburn***
19. Arizona State
20. Georgia Tech
21. Illinois
22. South Carolina****
23. Notre Dame*****
24. Penn State
25. Washington******

*Oklahoma State is ranked number one because they play at Mizzou this weekend. Therefore, if Mizzou wins, I can say we beat the number one team in the nation. It won't happen. But just in case it does...

**Why does Boise State keep dropping when we promised they wouldn't? Because our rationality prevailed. Wins over Oregon, Nebraska, Virginia Tech, aTm, etc., are indeed more impressive than Georgia, Nevada, Colorado State and the like. We still love the blue turf, and we still think Kellen Moore can beat anybody anywhere, but the schedule does matter.

***I am super excited for Gus Malzahn's forthcoming tenure as the head football coach at the University of Mississippi. The SEC West will get that much more hellish. Mizzou is going to die (I pray they get in the East- we can beat Vandy and Kentucky! (maybe (OK, maybe not, because Gary Pinkel is a dumbass with a shitty goal line offense))).

****Marcus Lattimore is a hell of a back, but I've never seen him as very fast or quick-twitch from a pure athletic standpoint. With the ACL, he becomes like a glorified Toby Gerhart- someone who won't have the explosiveness to run in the NFL. It's sad, and Spurrier shouldn't have ridden him so hard, for all running backs are only born with so many carries in them...

*****Trust me, Notre Dame is an excellent football team. Besides Oregon, the biggest test Stanford faces this season.

******Keith Price is showing why the 2011 draft was so idiotic. The coming group of quarterbacks are so much better than Locker, Ponder, and Dalton. So why the fuck did they all go so early last year? Why you pick busts NFL? Why you value smarts over, you know, actual quarterbacking ability? YOU KNOW REDHEADED QUARTERBACKS ALL FUCKING SUCK, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE SOULS!!!!!!

Calm down, urrbody, we're just doing what we're good at- baseless stereotyping. I love you, ginger readers. Make it a great weekend. -kw-

Time Marches On

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS. Rankings for the week are as follows:

1. LSU
2. Alabama
3. Oklahoma
4. Boise State
5. Oklahoma State
6. Wisconsin
7. Stanford
8. Arkansas
9. Clemson
10. Oregon
11. Michigan
12. Nebraska
13. Georgia Tech
14. Kansas State
15. Virginia Tech
16. West Virginia
17. Illinois
18. Arizona State
19. Notre Dame
20. Michigan State
21. South Carolina
22. Baylor
23. Texas A&M
24. Auburn
25. Wake Forest

We do these polls and follow all college football, but let's be honest- all we're waiting for, in eager anticipation, is November 5th. #1 LSU. Les Miles. The hero of this blog. #2 Alabama. Nick Saban. The Great Satan of this blog. Hatred. Fierce defense. No offense. Jarrett Lee pick sixes. Trent Richardson mauling shit. Honey Badgers. Punters scoring touchdowns rescinded for taunting. Tuscaloosa. Bryant-Denney. 2:30 PM. CBS. Uncle Verne Lundquist. Me. Bag of chips. Couch. (Actually, office chair). Huge ass TV. (Actually, 20-inch). Three and a half blissful hours of great college football. Nothing better. We can't wait.

A Blogger's Embarrassment & Retarded Yaks, Uncle Hank & Ass-to-Ass

I have no idea why I continue to look at Blogger's stats page, for it only leads me to depression. Why, you say? It tells me the search keywords that lead to the vast majority of this blog's traffic. The top ten are as follows:

• yak (1,535)
• retarded yak (7)
• pictures of yaks (5)
• funny yak (3)
• funny yaks (3)
• highland liberation army (3)
• yaks (3)
• fat yak (2)
• funny yak pictures (2)
• gentlemen fuck this bitch (2)

Sigh. So I am not the purveyor of an informed, germane discussion on bringing communism to America, college football, and the sad state of our culture; no, Highland Liberation Army is known worldwide as "that yak blog."

BUT- to those gentlemen who were looking to fuck this bitch, I say: +1000 cocktails to you, sirs! Though it's not porn, I think this video will tickle your fancy (and maybe show you how to pick up a cougar, since, if you're searching for "gentlemen fuck this bitch," you obviously don't have bitches of your own to fuck). -kw-

Kids, no matter how awesome he seems: don't emulate Uncle Hank. He does not actually fuck bitches.

He only watches them go ass-to-ass with a dildo. While this is more acceptable than

))<>(( FOREVER, it is still grossly perverted. Though he looks happy, he is a sad, morally depraved man.

Go watch Requiem for a Dream, kids.

Conference Realignment and the Loss of Jobs

First, the rankings for the week:

1. Alabama
2. Wisconsin
3. Boise State
4. Oklahoma
5. LSU
6. Oklahoma State
7. Stanford
8. Clemson
9. Oregon
10. Georgia Tech
11. Auburn
12. Michigan
13. Texas
14. Arkansas
15. Illinois
16. West Virginia
17. Arizona State
18. Virginia Tech
19. Michigan State
20. Florida State
21. Kansas State
22. Florida
23. Notre Dame
24. South Carolina
25. Air Force

I realize I have senselessly forgotten teams in the past, like Florida State, which I have never ranked, even when they were top 5 in all the actual polls. I believe this time I have not done such a thing. I'm sorry, Jimbo Fisher, it was just a mistake; I won't forget you again. (Too bad for them, just as I remember they exist, they start losing games and not deserving to be ranked.)

AND NOW: Commentary!

Mizzou athletic director Mike Alden should go die in a ditch on the side of Illinois Route 160 between Highland in Alhambra after getting violently shovel-raped by Los Angeles Lakers assistant coach (and rumored meth-head) Quin Snyder. He is awful. He does not understand anything about athletics. He thinks Frank (No Faith In) Haith is a good basketball coach. He allows people in his department to have the gall to admit, as Mizzou tries to join the SEC, that they'd still prefer a Big Ten invitation but continue to get jilted by the B1G. This is really shitty PR. Your office is a two minute walk from one of the better journalism/marketing/"strategic communications" schools out there. Learn a fucking thing or two from them.

You wanna be the best in anything, you gotta compete against the best. And the best in collegiate athletics is certainly not any team coached by Turner Fucking Gill. Get a fucking clue. The Big XII is a hashed together mish-mash of underdogs in outposts no sensible 18-year old recruit wants to go to (when faced with other choices). Is it a bigger deal to be playing an 11 AM game in Waco on ESPN3 or in Tiger Stadium at night? Is it more respectable to compete in Lubbock or The Swamp? Hell, even Starkganistan and Mississippi State is more desirable than Ames and Iowa State. (Can't argue that there are no positives to Vandy or Kentucky, though.)

People are not born to shoot for mediocrity, but often we forget this later in life. We're fine with telling average jokes, and performing OK at our jobs, getting close to breaking 80 on the golf course, watching monotonous daytime television, allowing our football team to go 8-4 over and over while making the same mistakes. (Looking at you, South Carolina-era Steve Spurrier.) I say fuck that. Always shoot for more. Better yourself and your life. Be smarter and funnier tomorrow than you are today. Do good work. Advance to higher places in life. Shoot in the 70s on your next 18 holes. Don't watch Hoda and Kathie Lee and read a book instead. Know what the fuck you're doing. Live life the best you can. Join the best conference you can.

People are born wanting to do something in their time on this Earth. Sports teams, likewise, should always want to win something in their brief time together, to be the best they can be. To be the best, compete against the best. If you're Steve Jobs, compete against Bill Gates. Right?

So Mike Alden, I implore you, don't settle for the status quo. You know what to do. I expect to be listening to this before watching the Tigers (not Auburn, nor LSU, but Mizzou) next year.

Also- watch below. RIP Steve Jobs, one of the last Americans to truly know what the fuck he's doing. Live like he did, errbody. -kw-

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life"