14 in 14: Vanderbilt Commodores

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we move to Nashville, where Vanderbilt is riding high after last year's 6-7 finish. Seriously, they don't even have an athletic department, so it's not half bad! Can the 'Dores build upon this newfound momentum? We'll blindly speculate here, first by examining...

THE PLAYERS

Cornelius Vanderbilt - founder
of the university, moderately
important person occasionally
mentioned in AP US History.

They're getting better, I guess! Though the triple whammy of awful competitive history, outdated facilities and comparatively ridiculous academic standards will forever hamper Vandy's recruiting, new coach James Franklin has sold the program hard on the trail, and with some success too. Writers everywhere laud the Commodores' bounty of one four-star recruit in the 2012 class. This is progress!

Though Vandy still lags behind all but Kentucky in recruiting, they can more than make up for lack of athleticism with intelligence and good coaching. Who do you trust to execute a playbook: Houston Nutt's barely coherent army of JUCO transfers or Vandy's douchenozzle three-star QB that apparently pulled a 36 on his ACT? Let me remind you that playbooks are complicated things. Being able to read helps! The sustained success of Northwestern and Stanford proves these chickenshit theories, right?

Though Franklin hasn't yet overhauled the previous regime's decimated roster, Aaron Rodgers' brother is a nice piece to build around. Jordan sure as hell ain't his brother, but we already judge him the best QB in school history because really Jay Cutler is a fucking asshole so no. In the 10 or so Vandy snaps I watched, no individual really impressed, but none stood out for the wrong reasons either. That's a compliment to...

THE COACHES

While we like James Franklin the coach, James Franklin
the quarterback is pictured here instead due to his
undeniable sex appeal.

It's easy to forget that James Franklin was, at best, Vandy's second choice for it's head coaching position. The school ponied up a sizable chunk of change to lure Gus Malzahn, but he wisely declined after Miss Cleo revealed his dream job, Arkansas State, would open the winter after.

(ARKANSAS STATE. THE ULTIMATE DESTINATION JOB. As part of your contract, you get a sweet home on the lake at the country club. That you're in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and coaching a titan of the Sun Belt? And making less than your coordinator job at Auburn? NO-BRAINER! JK we love Gus and wish him well.)

In the end, the little-known former Maryland OC got the nod in Nashville, surprising the college football world with his tough talk. Bruce Feldman in particular loved the guy, yet Bruce also wrote a book about how awesome Ed Orgeron was at recruiting. The proclamations and bravado seemed like hopeless romanticism at best and downright stupid at worst. And then Vandy improved from 2-10 to 6-6. Franklin fought Georgia's asshat defensive coordinator. They almost beat Florida and Tennessee. They remodeled the coaching offices. Bruce Feldman gawked. ZOMG SEC CHAMPIONSHIPS NOT SO FAR AWAY RITE GAIZ?!

I really do like Franklin and think Vandy's progress is real. I also think there's a limit to how far the program can go, due to the school's financial commitment and Franklin's pro-style schemes. The power run, play-action game is beautiful when executed; it's also rarely pulled off by underdogs. Regardless, Vandy will need its new swagger while taking on...

THE SCHEDULE 

8/30 vs. South Carolina

9/8 @ Northwestern

9/15 vs. Presbyterian

9/22 @ Georgia

10/6 @ Mizzou

10/13 vs. Florida

10/20 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. UMass

11/3 @ Kentucky

11/10 @ Ole Miss

11/17 vs. Tennessee

11/24 @ Wake Forest

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Vandy's six wins last year? Elon, UConn, Army, Kentucky, Ole Miss and at Wake Forest. There's no reason to think they can't repeat against common opponents last year, and Presbyterian and UMass are laughable cupcakes. I also like them over a rebuilding Northwestern, an awful Tennessee, and maybe foolishly over Georgia and Mizzou. The 'Dores will come out bloodthirsty looking to avenge their coach against the 'Dawgs. As for Mizzou: this is a team that can beat anyone and lose to anyone. Between our two biggest games of the year (UGA and Bama) some fluky loss must come. 

That would put Vandy at NINE WINS WHAT THE FUCK! AND 6-0 ON THE ROAD! I'd like to remind you that A) South Carolina is by far the best team in the SEC East, and are they that scary?; B) they avoid Alabama, LSU and Arkansas; C) if they don't win all those road games, home games against rebuilding Florida and Auburn are certainly winnable; and D) I JUST TOOK A METRIC FUCKTON OF PCP LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

Despite my misgivings, count me in as a Vandy believer. Also, bookmark this post and tweet it at me when they finish 4-8. You'll laugh and I'll call you a bunch of horrible names and we'll never be friends again! Vandy, for the sake of my few remaining friendships: plz don't let me down!?

14 in 14: Kentucky Wildcats

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We've finally left Mississippi for the paradise of Lexington, Kentucky, newly crowned champions of the professional basketball world. While roundball-loving, thoroughbred-humping Kentuckians burned their couches to celebrate Anthony Davis and the Wildcats' NCAA Championship victory, UK football fans, upon the end of every loss, douse their furniture in puke. You'd think this would be a problem, but LOL UK F00TBALL FANS N0 EX15T. There are a few reasons for this, starting with...

THE PLAYERS

Full disclosure: I haven't watched a snap of Kentucky football since their 2007 triple-OT win over then #1 LSU. (Then again, neither have 300 million other Americans.) From their results since that wonderful game, we can safely conclude the current version of the Wildcats is far less talented than that 2007 team.

THE HEFTY LEFTY. FUCKING GLORIOUS.

Kentucky sucking at football isn't a new thing, of course. Leading Kentucky to relevance is probably Bear Bryant's greatest accomplishment in college football; they essentially sucked for 40 years after his departure until the glorious Hal Mumme/Jared Lorenzen era. Even then they kind of sucked, but goddamn, they had Mike Leach and a 300-pound quarterback. THIS HAD TO BE THE GREATEST THING EVER.
In the interest of both of us not falling asleep, let's quit not talking about the current Kentucky players we know jackshit about and move on to...

THE COACHES

"Joker Phillips." Two words synonymous with football success.

Rich Brooks' former offensive coordinator sucks worse than his former boss in more ways than Jared Lorenzen weighs in pounds. Really: how can you trust a man named after a Steve Miller Band song?

Phillips got on our good side last year by beating Tennessee with a wide receiver at quarterback. It seems like an accomplishment, until you remember that Derek Dooley makes Ron Zook look like Vince Lombardi. Still: a win is a win is a win, especially over those Volunteer bastards. We hope Joker can do it again. We doubt it, after looking at...

THE SCHEDULE

9/2 @ Louisville

9/8 vs. Kent State

9/15 vs. Western Kentucky

9/22 @ Florida

9/29 vs. South Carolina

10/6 vs. Mississippi State

10/13 @ Arkansas

10/20 vs. Georgia

10/27 @ Mizzou

11/3 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 vs. Samford

11/24 @ Tennessee

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Not that hard, but we are talking about Kentucky. All of the Wildcats' SEC opponents feature quite a bit more talent. Vandy at home would normally look winnable, but those guys are on the rise; Tennessee may have completely collapsed by week 12, but you'd still bet on 100,000 in Neyland willing the Vawls to victory. That leaves Kentucky looking to the nonconference slate for W's, which they should get against Kent State and Samford. Recent history suggests a win at Louisville unlikely, even against the thoroughly average Cardinals; as for Western Kentucky, BIG RED WILL EAT YOUR KITTENS AND RAPE YOUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN. CROSS HIM AND HIS 6-6 SUN BELT FOOTBALL TEAM AT YOUR OWN PERIL. (No, not just an excuse for the creepy picture - we really like WKU in an upset!)

You think Daniel Tosh finds this funny? 'CAUSE I SURE DON'T.

Kentucky football hasn't been rlvnt ever, and that won't change in 2012. Our predictions may seem harsh, but really, Allah has to punish any entity that employs John Calipari somehow. It's too bad he has to take it out on Joker Phillips and whatever genial gent replaces him in the not-so-hot seat after another forgettable fall of Kentucky football.

14 in 14: Mississippi State Bulldogs

Starkville, MS does not fear the reaper.

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we kill the hopes and dreams of Mississippi State, the backwoods underdogs who just discovered Beatlemania but prefer Blue Oyster Cult instead. They may be best known for an irrational love of cowbells, but shit, at least they can beat Ole Miss, right? The road to football mediocrity begins with...

THE PLAYERS

They're not that bad, but they're not that good either. Such is the difficulty any coach has in attracting recruits to the SEC's most remote outpost.
State loses its two-headed power-running monster in QB Chris Relf and RB Vick Ballard, necessitating a change in focus on offense that may help things. Dan Mullen used Relf like the hobo's version of Tim Tebow he was: constantly running him up the gut, using straight power and option schemes. It was three yards and a cloud of dust football from a four-wide shotgun base formation. Weird, but it kinda worked.

When State played defense, the scheme looked ingenious; the Bulldogs didn't score much, but they'll sure take wins in Gainesville, no matter how ugly. The problem, of course, came when State got behind, for Relf made Tebow look like Joe Montana. The total lack of a passing game kept good State teams from getting over the 8-win hump.

This year Mullen has to replace Relf and Ballard, along with first-round DT Fletcher Cox. The QB job will go to Tyler Russell, who's been used as a statuesque pocket-passer complement to Relf in the past. He's not been great in limited regular season snaps, but maybe an offseason as the unquestioned number one will boost his confidence. He'll need to be spot on, as this squad of three-star recruits is outclassed by pretty much every non-Kentucky SEC team. That means it's up to...

THE COACHES

Tim Gunn is appaled that anyone
can even feign such happiness in
that ghastly maroon blazer.

To mold this average outfit into a winning squad. Mullen, Urban Meyer's offensive coordinator at Florida, is a fiery leader who hasn't quite shown the same propensity of playcalling genius since arriving at Mississippi State. It's hard to expect the same level of success due to the obvious disparity in talent level, but State's offenses have left some style, points, and style points to be desired.
But Mullen has excelled in building his staff and motivating his team. State rarely gets blown out even by the SEC's best teams, a minor miracle and a major improvement over the notorious Sylvester Croom era. The current staff has to prove A) that it can design a competent passing game, and B) that it can maintain a modicum of defensive excellence despite the departure of current Texas defensive coordinator Manny Diaz. Mullen hasn't proved spectacular - he hasn't been hired away by year four at Mississippi State - but competent he is. Expect them to put a decent product on the field, and get some results due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's not as tough as you think.

9/1 vs. Jackson State

9/8 vs. Auburn

9/15 @ Troy

9/22 vs. South Alabama

10/6 @ Kentucky

10/13 vs. Tennessee

10/20 vs. Middle Tennessee

10/27 @ Alabama

11/3 vs. Texas A&M

11/10 @ LSU

11/17 vs. Arkansas

11/24 @ Ole Miss(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Write "W" in pen next to Jackson State and South Alabama and in pencil next to Troy, Kentucky, Middle Tennessee and Ole Miss. That's six wins and bowl eligibility even before you write "L" in pen next to Alabama and LSU and in pencil next to Arkansas. That leaves home games against Auburn, Tennessee and Texas A&M, all more talented teams in the midst of quarterback and scheme transitions (A&M and Auburn) or general disarray (Tennessee). They'll pull at least one of those games out; don't be surprised if they take two or even three. In the end, we give the Bulldogs eight wins, which would mean another nice season for one of the peasants of the SEC.

14 in 14: Ole Miss Rebels

Today we embark on an ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We start with perennial whipping boys Ole Miss - do they and their retarded-though-politically-correct "rebel black bear" mascot have a shot this year?

#WeAreOleMiss

Let's answer the question we posed right off - of course Ole Miss has a shot! At winning four games (though even that looks unlikely at this point)! Why is this? Let's start with...

THE PLAYERS

I don't know any of them. This means either a) I'm a lazy football fan, or b) they're not very good. The answer? You probably say a), but I say b). 

It wasn't always this way in Oxford. Even three years ago, moderately big names like Mike Wallace and Dexter McCluster suited up in red and navy, if only to be underutilized by the sometimes-savant, always-idiot Houston Nutt. Wallace, McCluster, Jevan Snead and co., all brought in by previous mouthbreather-in-chief Ed Orgeron, had some success under Nutt, who was a massive coaching upgrade by virtue of owning a few working brain cells. 

However, Orgeron is as good at recruiting as he is bad at coaching, and Nutt's armies of JUCO transfers couldn't cut it after the previous regime's pipeline ran dry. After two 9-4 seasons in Nutt's first two years, Ole Miss finished 4-8 in 2010 and a hapless 2-10 last year. Something had to change, which brings us to...

THE COACHES

They're all new, starting with head honcho Hugh Freeze. The man better known as Michael Oher's high school coach has done some hard time in Oxford before, brought in by along with his prized recruit as Orgeron's tight ends coach. After that short stint Freeze was fantastically successful...at the NAIA level with something called Lambuth. Arkansas State brought him on as offensive coordinator in 2010 and promoted him to head coach last year, where he led the Red Wolves to an 11-2 overall record, going undefeated in the Sun Belt and winning the GoDaddy.com Bowl, which is a real thing that exists!

It's a highly successful, though light, resume, and one with teams that play exciting, up-tempo football. Freeze has succeeded everywhere except his stint at Ole Miss, which was hardly his fault. Yet Freeze's brief marches through the NAIA and Sun Belt won't intimidate even his worst SEC counterparts. Maybe he can duplicate that lower-level success in the toughest conference in college football; it's more likely he can't, and that's in no small part due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's realllllllllllly fucking hard.

9/1 vs. Central Arkansas

9/8 vs. UTEP

9/15 vs. Texas

9/22 @ Tulane

9/29 @ Alabama

10/6 vs. Texas A&M

10/13 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. Arkansas

11/3 @ Georgia

11/10 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 @ LSU

11/24 vs. Mississippi State

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Even this is a little bit generous - Central Arkansas is the only sure win on this schedule. UTEP, while no pushover, is a mediocre C-USA team that should fall in Oxford; Tulane, a bad C-USA team, should also lose in an epic snoozefest. Losses to either of them could get fans grumbling, and it doesn't get any easier after that - Ole Miss faces arguably the toughest five week stretch in the country, with contests against A&M, Auburn and Arkansas bookended by road games at Alabama and Georgia. Four of the five are sure losses.

Add in tough home games against Texas and Vandy and a trip to LSU and you have six sure losses, two likely losses (A&M and Vandy) and a tossup rivalry game at home against a better Mississippi State team, and we officially project Ole Miss at three wins for 2012. They almost attain the impossible dream of a .333 winning percentage. Alas, .250 will have to do.

Why can't this be the new Ole Miss mascot?

It's not your fault, Ole Miss, that you're in the toughest division of the toughest conference in college football. It's not your fault, Hugh Freeze, that you have to fix this mess at a school with comparatively little fan and athletic department support. Just realize that it will be your fault in three years, and for the sake of your paychecks and well-being, I hope you get it together. Until your football misery subsides, just remember the fabulous things you do have: tailgaiting and brunettes. Life doesn't seem so bad anymore. Things could be worse indeed.