Seven Ways Mizzou Lost the Plot of Michael Sam's Coming Out

Hey, it's ancient news now, but remember that whole Michael Sam thing? That was pretty badass, right? Everyone's been waiting for someone to break the last major barrier in American sports; now, we know it's happening (and actually, it already has happened!)

For this football-obsessed, Kinsey-six gay Mizzou student, there were lots of feels. Good feels! Happy feels! Proud feels! First, because after watching Sam for the last three years, I knew he'd do nothing but great things on and off the field, even with the added attention and pressure after his announcement. But second, and more surprisingly, nobody said anything stupid. Even Facebook was completely free of objectionable content. There was no "why is this news?," no "love the sinner, hate the sin," no "he's just doing this for publicity." Even the one friend I have who sometimes complains about reverse racism affirmed his support and happiness for Sam. I was shocked to the point of tears of joy. We were all handling this so well!

In the ensuing days, though, things got a bit uncomfortable. While the enthusiasm the university and the student body displayed in support of Sam was awesome to see, it came with certain problematic preconditions (that I'm going to try to debunk - Buzzfeed style! - below). Again: it's not that our reaction to Michael Sam was in any way disappointing or embarrassing; I just think we need to remember these things.

1. This is about all LGBT people

Within an hour of Sam's announcement hitting the press, everyone's favorite group of Kansans, the Westboro Baptist Church, announced they'd be headed to Columbia the following Saturday to voice their displeasure with Mr. Sam and Mizzou in their typical polite fashion.

And within minutes after the WBC announcement, a group of students had formed their own counter-protest: "One Wall, One Mizzou," where attendees would form a silent human barricade, backs facing the Baptists, blocking the protest site from the rest of campus. The Facebook event got 5,000 respondents, and several thousand people did show up and follow through with the plan. 

The description on the Facebook event was kinda weird, though. "The focus of this wall is unification behind Sam to represent this school as One." Cool! Except … what about all the other members of the LGBT community, on campus and around the nation? Do we want to unify in support of them as well? It's fine if we don't, but then we should change the hashtag from #OneMizzou to #OneMizzouFootballPlayer...

(Again: I don't doubt that the organizers and attendees are down with the cause for the entire LGBT community. It's just weird that they didn't say so.)

2. We can have "MU Pride" and LGBT Pride

Also included in the Facebook event description: a plea that those in attendance refrain from bringing signs, wearing apparel, or actively making verbal statements explicitly focused on LGBT rights. Wear black and gold, please; you divisive rainbow-clad queers needn't head out. 

But…but…

This insinuation that LGBT pride/representation should take a back seat to demonstrate loyalty to Mizzou is kinda super insulting to gay people. It's not like this is just another pep rally for the football team; the season's over, for fuck's sake. There are many valid reasons to counter-protest - to support Sam, the university and its embrace of LGBT people, LGBT rights in general. Why not let everyone express those reasons in whatever way they want?

3. It is political

Quoting, yet again, from that Facebook event description: "we don't want to make this political or split the Mizzou community."

LOLWUT.

Call me back when I can get married and not get thrown out of the store while trying to buy the wedding cake, kthx. 

4. We should probably be mad at other groups/people in addition to the Westboro Baptists

You know the batshit bills in Arizona and Kansas that would make it legal for businesses to refuse service to same-sex couples on the grounds that queers somehow violate their religious beliefs? Something very similar just got introduced in the Missouri legislature! So we can expect a crowd of thousands in front Sen. Wayne Wallingford's office tomorrow, right?

Sure, the Westboro Baptists deserve to be cunt-punted into oblivion. Sen. Wallingford and his counterparts in Arizona and Kansas deserve no better. Nor do the various other religious sects that lack Westboro's name brand but share the same spirit of hatred. Just because the WBC is an easy target of ire doesn't mean we should stop there.

(Also, a thought: maybe the WBC is so universally hated not because of its homophobia, but because it protests institutions - military funerals, football, etc. - that society (i.e. straight people) values so highly? Plenty of groups openly campaign against gay rights and receive either little attention or a spike in chicken sandwich sales; take shots at the military, though, and you've gone too far.)

5. Keeping Sam's sexuality a secret wasn't a noble feat, just a matter of basic human decency

The Columbia Missourian, the Mizzou j-school funded newspaper that calls itself "Mid-Missouri's Finest News Source," ran a, uh, thing from sports editor Greg Bowers (who, fun fact, doesn't even like sports) discussing how the paper had known about Sam's sexuality since August, but refrained from publishing the news without Sam's OK. "Look at us! We knew *AND* we didn't tell!"

Well happy fucking congratulations. You're not assholes! I mean, your paper is full of typos, your sports section renounces actual sports news in favor of puff pieces about fake mustaches, and you used the word "chortled" in an article in the year 2014, but you kept this big, bad secret! Just wait here, Greg, while I bake you a batch of cookies and finish embroidering "ALLY" on the sash I sewed you. 

6. This is about Mizzou's people, not the school itself

Considering that we are in the middle of Missouri, it's amazing how supportive Columbia and the Mizzou community is of LGBT people. The University has added sexual orientation to its anti-discrimination policy, provides full benefits to same-sex partners of its employees, funds a ballin' LGBTQ Resource Center, promotes inclusivity for trans* students, and has a ton of respected student leaders who identify as members of the LGBT community.

But those things didn't just happen. All of these forms of progress were the result of years of advocacy of a few concerned and determined students and staff members. The administration and the student body deserve credit for accepting and implementing these mechanisms of support for LGBT students; but its those activists who campaigned on behalf of those policies from the start, and not "the system" as a whole, who should get the credit.

In the same way, Michael Sam made himself. His on-field success and off-field bravery are solely the products of his own journey. That the most notable part of that journey occurred at Mizzou is merely a happy accident of fate.

7. It's…really fucking complicated

Back in August, I was headed out to dinner with some friends - an average night like any other -when "Same Love" came on the radio, and things got, uh, weirder. I felt the eyes sheepishly darting toward me, in imagined hopes of a certain reaction; I felt the thoughts of "this song is about *you*" and "you *must* love this song, it has to be so relatable." And sure, this memory stems more from my underlying insecurities than anything else, but in that moment, I was reduced to being the gay one, as if that's the only thing that defines or matters about me. While I wasn't ostracized or taken advantage of in any way, the whole thing did make me feel uncomfortably, visibly different, in a context where I just want to blend in.

Of course, it's important to recognize the gay community (and its allies) as a "we," because in numbers we gain power and in power we gain recognition and rights. But all that's just a small start, because our voices are even more compelling on their own. I'm sure Macklemore's just a well-meaning dude trying to appeal to the universality of emotion, but a) he sucks, and b) in his lecturing, all he does is erase the real, highly individualized lives of queer people. Pride parades and celebrity comings-out and equal-sign profile pictures are important in their own way - visibility is power! - but the tiny moments, seeing two guys walking down the street holding hands, are the ones that'll help everyone understand, relate to, love everyone else.

This part's a completely convoluted mess, and doesn't relate at all to any of the other points, but I needed to try and express it. Really, though, we're coming to the point where reducing the heat of the cultural spotlight is the way forward for LGBTQ people. We have the same hopes and occupations and faults and fears and interests that create wholly unique stories for each one of us, the same as everyone else. And we all get so wrapped up in the "cause" that we forget that the gender of the human being on the other side of your mouth doesn't really fucking matter, and how ludicrous it is that anyone ever thought it did.

LOL/WTF/SMH/FTW, Or: How I Learned To Hate Awful Journalism and Love the Sky-High Blood Pressure That Comes with Reading It

Quick: what's the worst thing to happen to Mizzou in 2012-13?

The tragic deaths of nine current students? Nope. The athletic department briefly coddling a suspected rapist, and large sections of the student body begging for his reinstatement to the basketball team? Of course not. That one football game against Alabama? Close, but no cigar. The totality of one Kalen Wagoner's sports columns? Maybe second-worst, but still not it.

No, according to my esteemed former employers at The Maneater, it was actually the ebonics and improper grammar displayed on the student body president's Twitter. (BEWARE: block of text ahead because the stupid website won't allow me to directly link to the upcoming section.)

MSA President Twitter was an embarrassment

If you scroll back through the @MSAPresident Twitter account, you’ll see tweets congratulating student organizations, announcing events and informing students about the Missouri Students Association. Or, at least you will until you scroll back past Dec. 14. Don’t let Nick Droege’s name and photo fool you — these are the tweets of our former MSA President Xavier Billingsley.

For an entire year, Billingsley shared his stream of consciousness to the student body, tweeting things like “My dad’s boots are awesome #southernproper” on Feb. 3 and “Yeah buddy rolling like a big shot” on July 1 and even “Ahhhhhhhh I’m so crunk right now #msaelections” on Nov. 7.

It's fun to relive Billingsley’s @MSAPresident Twitter feed: We celebrated the holidays with Billingsley, such as on May 5, “Philisophy is that wall blocking me from Cinco De Mayo and my sombrero.” He reminisced about his “ratchet days” on Sept. 11, cheered on Team USA in the Olympics on July 27 with “AYYYEYEEEEE #TeamUSA” and celebrated joining the SEC on July 1 with “Ya boy is getting emotional with it. #SEC14 #SoProud.”

Through all the misspelled, irrelevant and occasionally incoherent @MSAPresident tweets, Billingsley had us laughing.

But should we be laughing?

The MSA president before Billingsley, Eric Woods, called out Billingsley’s tweets saying, “Was that a sentence? Is that what they’re teaching you in your classes this semester?” to which Billingsley responded, “SHUT UP ERIC!”

These tweets would have been fine had Billingsley tweeted them from his personal account, @DJXJ – which he often invited “join the party and follow him at” – but they were from the MSA President account, which is read by prospective students, administrators and the entire student body.

More importantly, though, the MSA president is supposed to represent the student body through all his interactions, including Twitter.

Billingsley didn’t seem to think so. Instead, his Twitter feed was unprofessional and used for fun. Billingsley said he has the “best tweets west of the Mississippi.” – we’ll at least give you the most interesting, XJ.

(RELEVANT GIF.)

He said "ratchet." He told someone to "SHUT UP" in ALL CAPS! He had the nerve to USE HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR FUN. Gosh, what's the proper punishment? I vote we force feed him pages from the AP Stylebook until his stomach bursts. That sounds about right.

If Billingsley's words kept some Yahweh-forsaken helicopter mommy in Ladue from sending little Billy to our big, bad SEC college town, then good. I'm sure he's enjoying SLU immensely. Better for him to mix with Jesuits than black frat guys who use words not approved by Webster's on a totally voluntary social networking account.

"But should we be laughing," you ask? Sure! Why the fuck not! If anything, applaud the man for his creativity. Anyone can tweet out links to press releases or inspirational YouTube videos. It takes a truly special man to pull off the use of #southernproper.

Were the tweets unexpected from such an exalted political figure? Sure. Were they in any way harmful? Nope. Sexist? Uh-uh. Racist? Not nearly as much as the editorial above. Funnier than the "approval matrix" shamelessly stolen from eminent journalistic outfit Buzzfeed that appeared in the same section? You betcha.

Lump The Maneater in with Slate, Salon, The Atlantic, etc: basically, every other awful "liberal" media outlet (that I happen to regularly consume). For fuck's sake, there are enough real crises already; no reason to get so sanctimonious over manufactured trauma. It's time to quit writing whiny, circlejerky editorials espousing the virtues of political correctness that themselves patronize certain racial or class demographics. Maybe then good, sensible 'Murricans could take the craft of journalism seriously again.

There Is Plenty To Be Worried About. There Is Nothing To Be Frightened Of.

Of all the thoughts that arise after events such as last Friday's shootings in Newtown, CT, I dwell on this the longest - there is nothing stopping this from happening to me and the ones I love.

We could get our brains blown out via semi-automatic assault rifle while searching for frozen pizza at Wal-Mart. We could never come back from that showing of The Hobbit if the local homicidal psychopath happened to pick the same theater. Whenever some shitty lecture in class makes you put finger guns to your head, realize that someone may be lurking just beyond the door, all too eager to fulfill your wish.

It is a selfish line of thinking, to be sure, but that makes it no less true. And besides, it is the only way I can begin to fathom what happened in Newtown - to know that it could happen in Columbia or Champaign or Highland too. 

I had the nightmare last night. My policeman neighbor headed into the slaughterhouse of kindergartners to remove the slain. My parents' friends physically buried those same children, though they would never bury the day in their minds. My brother and sister came home without tears or words - only blank faces and shattered spirits. They were the lucky ones.

Chances are that day will never come. (There is a good reason most dreams do not come true.) Despite all the violence we hear of - and it is too much - human beings are remarkably kind to their kin. The human spirit is still alive, and thank God, for it is all that prevents us from living our public lives with the sort of blatant paranoia displayed in the words above. Yes, there is plenty to be worried about - but nothing to be frightened of.

In the next few days the nation will get over the shock of Newtown (if only because the 24- hour MSNBCNN tragedy cycle has to find something else to fixate on). The faith in humanity that allows us to live in a free society will return and the paralyzing fear will disappear. 

It is this fear we must not succumb to at any cost, for it keeps us from appreciating all we do have. We have a political system that, while completely fucked, still upholds our freedoms, facilitates peaceful changes of power and places great faith in its citizens. Step up and reaffirm that faith. We live in a nation where the individual can still improve his lot in life and make the change he wishes to see in the world. Go out and be that change. And we have mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters and aunts and uncles and old people and babies and BFFs and casual acquaintances, people that make life worth living. Hug the shit out of them while you can.

Countdown: 0

College football is back.

Long live college football.

14 in 14: Vanderbilt Commodores

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we move to Nashville, where Vanderbilt is riding high after last year's 6-7 finish. Seriously, they don't even have an athletic department, so it's not half bad! Can the 'Dores build upon this newfound momentum? We'll blindly speculate here, first by examining...

THE PLAYERS

Cornelius Vanderbilt - founder
of the university, moderately
important person occasionally
mentioned in AP US History.

They're getting better, I guess! Though the triple whammy of awful competitive history, outdated facilities and comparatively ridiculous academic standards will forever hamper Vandy's recruiting, new coach James Franklin has sold the program hard on the trail, and with some success too. Writers everywhere laud the Commodores' bounty of one four-star recruit in the 2012 class. This is progress!

Though Vandy still lags behind all but Kentucky in recruiting, they can more than make up for lack of athleticism with intelligence and good coaching. Who do you trust to execute a playbook: Houston Nutt's barely coherent army of JUCO transfers or Vandy's douchenozzle three-star QB that apparently pulled a 36 on his ACT? Let me remind you that playbooks are complicated things. Being able to read helps! The sustained success of Northwestern and Stanford proves these chickenshit theories, right?

Though Franklin hasn't yet overhauled the previous regime's decimated roster, Aaron Rodgers' brother is a nice piece to build around. Jordan sure as hell ain't his brother, but we already judge him the best QB in school history because really Jay Cutler is a fucking asshole so no. In the 10 or so Vandy snaps I watched, no individual really impressed, but none stood out for the wrong reasons either. That's a compliment to...

THE COACHES

While we like James Franklin the coach, James Franklin
the quarterback is pictured here instead due to his
undeniable sex appeal.

It's easy to forget that James Franklin was, at best, Vandy's second choice for it's head coaching position. The school ponied up a sizable chunk of change to lure Gus Malzahn, but he wisely declined after Miss Cleo revealed his dream job, Arkansas State, would open the winter after.

(ARKANSAS STATE. THE ULTIMATE DESTINATION JOB. As part of your contract, you get a sweet home on the lake at the country club. That you're in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and coaching a titan of the Sun Belt? And making less than your coordinator job at Auburn? NO-BRAINER! JK we love Gus and wish him well.)

In the end, the little-known former Maryland OC got the nod in Nashville, surprising the college football world with his tough talk. Bruce Feldman in particular loved the guy, yet Bruce also wrote a book about how awesome Ed Orgeron was at recruiting. The proclamations and bravado seemed like hopeless romanticism at best and downright stupid at worst. And then Vandy improved from 2-10 to 6-6. Franklin fought Georgia's asshat defensive coordinator. They almost beat Florida and Tennessee. They remodeled the coaching offices. Bruce Feldman gawked. ZOMG SEC CHAMPIONSHIPS NOT SO FAR AWAY RITE GAIZ?!

I really do like Franklin and think Vandy's progress is real. I also think there's a limit to how far the program can go, due to the school's financial commitment and Franklin's pro-style schemes. The power run, play-action game is beautiful when executed; it's also rarely pulled off by underdogs. Regardless, Vandy will need its new swagger while taking on...

THE SCHEDULE 

8/30 vs. South Carolina

9/8 @ Northwestern

9/15 vs. Presbyterian

9/22 @ Georgia

10/6 @ Mizzou

10/13 vs. Florida

10/20 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. UMass

11/3 @ Kentucky

11/10 @ Ole Miss

11/17 vs. Tennessee

11/24 @ Wake Forest

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Vandy's six wins last year? Elon, UConn, Army, Kentucky, Ole Miss and at Wake Forest. There's no reason to think they can't repeat against common opponents last year, and Presbyterian and UMass are laughable cupcakes. I also like them over a rebuilding Northwestern, an awful Tennessee, and maybe foolishly over Georgia and Mizzou. The 'Dores will come out bloodthirsty looking to avenge their coach against the 'Dawgs. As for Mizzou: this is a team that can beat anyone and lose to anyone. Between our two biggest games of the year (UGA and Bama) some fluky loss must come. 

That would put Vandy at NINE WINS WHAT THE FUCK! AND 6-0 ON THE ROAD! I'd like to remind you that A) South Carolina is by far the best team in the SEC East, and are they that scary?; B) they avoid Alabama, LSU and Arkansas; C) if they don't win all those road games, home games against rebuilding Florida and Auburn are certainly winnable; and D) I JUST TOOK A METRIC FUCKTON OF PCP LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

Despite my misgivings, count me in as a Vandy believer. Also, bookmark this post and tweet it at me when they finish 4-8. You'll laugh and I'll call you a bunch of horrible names and we'll never be friends again! Vandy, for the sake of my few remaining friendships: plz don't let me down!?

14 in 14: Kentucky Wildcats

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We've finally left Mississippi for the paradise of Lexington, Kentucky, newly crowned champions of the professional basketball world. While roundball-loving, thoroughbred-humping Kentuckians burned their couches to celebrate Anthony Davis and the Wildcats' NCAA Championship victory, UK football fans, upon the end of every loss, douse their furniture in puke. You'd think this would be a problem, but LOL UK F00TBALL FANS N0 EX15T. There are a few reasons for this, starting with...

THE PLAYERS

Full disclosure: I haven't watched a snap of Kentucky football since their 2007 triple-OT win over then #1 LSU. (Then again, neither have 300 million other Americans.) From their results since that wonderful game, we can safely conclude the current version of the Wildcats is far less talented than that 2007 team.

THE HEFTY LEFTY. FUCKING GLORIOUS.

Kentucky sucking at football isn't a new thing, of course. Leading Kentucky to relevance is probably Bear Bryant's greatest accomplishment in college football; they essentially sucked for 40 years after his departure until the glorious Hal Mumme/Jared Lorenzen era. Even then they kind of sucked, but goddamn, they had Mike Leach and a 300-pound quarterback. THIS HAD TO BE THE GREATEST THING EVER.
In the interest of both of us not falling asleep, let's quit not talking about the current Kentucky players we know jackshit about and move on to...

THE COACHES

"Joker Phillips." Two words synonymous with football success.

Rich Brooks' former offensive coordinator sucks worse than his former boss in more ways than Jared Lorenzen weighs in pounds. Really: how can you trust a man named after a Steve Miller Band song?

Phillips got on our good side last year by beating Tennessee with a wide receiver at quarterback. It seems like an accomplishment, until you remember that Derek Dooley makes Ron Zook look like Vince Lombardi. Still: a win is a win is a win, especially over those Volunteer bastards. We hope Joker can do it again. We doubt it, after looking at...

THE SCHEDULE

9/2 @ Louisville

9/8 vs. Kent State

9/15 vs. Western Kentucky

9/22 @ Florida

9/29 vs. South Carolina

10/6 vs. Mississippi State

10/13 @ Arkansas

10/20 vs. Georgia

10/27 @ Mizzou

11/3 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 vs. Samford

11/24 @ Tennessee

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Not that hard, but we are talking about Kentucky. All of the Wildcats' SEC opponents feature quite a bit more talent. Vandy at home would normally look winnable, but those guys are on the rise; Tennessee may have completely collapsed by week 12, but you'd still bet on 100,000 in Neyland willing the Vawls to victory. That leaves Kentucky looking to the nonconference slate for W's, which they should get against Kent State and Samford. Recent history suggests a win at Louisville unlikely, even against the thoroughly average Cardinals; as for Western Kentucky, BIG RED WILL EAT YOUR KITTENS AND RAPE YOUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN. CROSS HIM AND HIS 6-6 SUN BELT FOOTBALL TEAM AT YOUR OWN PERIL. (No, not just an excuse for the creepy picture - we really like WKU in an upset!)

You think Daniel Tosh finds this funny? 'CAUSE I SURE DON'T.

Kentucky football hasn't been rlvnt ever, and that won't change in 2012. Our predictions may seem harsh, but really, Allah has to punish any entity that employs John Calipari somehow. It's too bad he has to take it out on Joker Phillips and whatever genial gent replaces him in the not-so-hot seat after another forgettable fall of Kentucky football.

14 in 14: Mississippi State Bulldogs

Starkville, MS does not fear the reaper.

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we kill the hopes and dreams of Mississippi State, the backwoods underdogs who just discovered Beatlemania but prefer Blue Oyster Cult instead. They may be best known for an irrational love of cowbells, but shit, at least they can beat Ole Miss, right? The road to football mediocrity begins with...

THE PLAYERS

They're not that bad, but they're not that good either. Such is the difficulty any coach has in attracting recruits to the SEC's most remote outpost.
State loses its two-headed power-running monster in QB Chris Relf and RB Vick Ballard, necessitating a change in focus on offense that may help things. Dan Mullen used Relf like the hobo's version of Tim Tebow he was: constantly running him up the gut, using straight power and option schemes. It was three yards and a cloud of dust football from a four-wide shotgun base formation. Weird, but it kinda worked.

When State played defense, the scheme looked ingenious; the Bulldogs didn't score much, but they'll sure take wins in Gainesville, no matter how ugly. The problem, of course, came when State got behind, for Relf made Tebow look like Joe Montana. The total lack of a passing game kept good State teams from getting over the 8-win hump.

This year Mullen has to replace Relf and Ballard, along with first-round DT Fletcher Cox. The QB job will go to Tyler Russell, who's been used as a statuesque pocket-passer complement to Relf in the past. He's not been great in limited regular season snaps, but maybe an offseason as the unquestioned number one will boost his confidence. He'll need to be spot on, as this squad of three-star recruits is outclassed by pretty much every non-Kentucky SEC team. That means it's up to...

THE COACHES

Tim Gunn is appaled that anyone
can even feign such happiness in
that ghastly maroon blazer.

To mold this average outfit into a winning squad. Mullen, Urban Meyer's offensive coordinator at Florida, is a fiery leader who hasn't quite shown the same propensity of playcalling genius since arriving at Mississippi State. It's hard to expect the same level of success due to the obvious disparity in talent level, but State's offenses have left some style, points, and style points to be desired.
But Mullen has excelled in building his staff and motivating his team. State rarely gets blown out even by the SEC's best teams, a minor miracle and a major improvement over the notorious Sylvester Croom era. The current staff has to prove A) that it can design a competent passing game, and B) that it can maintain a modicum of defensive excellence despite the departure of current Texas defensive coordinator Manny Diaz. Mullen hasn't proved spectacular - he hasn't been hired away by year four at Mississippi State - but competent he is. Expect them to put a decent product on the field, and get some results due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's not as tough as you think.

9/1 vs. Jackson State

9/8 vs. Auburn

9/15 @ Troy

9/22 vs. South Alabama

10/6 @ Kentucky

10/13 vs. Tennessee

10/20 vs. Middle Tennessee

10/27 @ Alabama

11/3 vs. Texas A&M

11/10 @ LSU

11/17 vs. Arkansas

11/24 @ Ole Miss(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Write "W" in pen next to Jackson State and South Alabama and in pencil next to Troy, Kentucky, Middle Tennessee and Ole Miss. That's six wins and bowl eligibility even before you write "L" in pen next to Alabama and LSU and in pencil next to Arkansas. That leaves home games against Auburn, Tennessee and Texas A&M, all more talented teams in the midst of quarterback and scheme transitions (A&M and Auburn) or general disarray (Tennessee). They'll pull at least one of those games out; don't be surprised if they take two or even three. In the end, we give the Bulldogs eight wins, which would mean another nice season for one of the peasants of the SEC.

14 in 14: Ole Miss Rebels

Today we embark on an ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We start with perennial whipping boys Ole Miss - do they and their retarded-though-politically-correct "rebel black bear" mascot have a shot this year?

#WeAreOleMiss

Let's answer the question we posed right off - of course Ole Miss has a shot! At winning four games (though even that looks unlikely at this point)! Why is this? Let's start with...

THE PLAYERS

I don't know any of them. This means either a) I'm a lazy football fan, or b) they're not very good. The answer? You probably say a), but I say b). 

It wasn't always this way in Oxford. Even three years ago, moderately big names like Mike Wallace and Dexter McCluster suited up in red and navy, if only to be underutilized by the sometimes-savant, always-idiot Houston Nutt. Wallace, McCluster, Jevan Snead and co., all brought in by previous mouthbreather-in-chief Ed Orgeron, had some success under Nutt, who was a massive coaching upgrade by virtue of owning a few working brain cells. 

However, Orgeron is as good at recruiting as he is bad at coaching, and Nutt's armies of JUCO transfers couldn't cut it after the previous regime's pipeline ran dry. After two 9-4 seasons in Nutt's first two years, Ole Miss finished 4-8 in 2010 and a hapless 2-10 last year. Something had to change, which brings us to...

THE COACHES

They're all new, starting with head honcho Hugh Freeze. The man better known as Michael Oher's high school coach has done some hard time in Oxford before, brought in by along with his prized recruit as Orgeron's tight ends coach. After that short stint Freeze was fantastically successful...at the NAIA level with something called Lambuth. Arkansas State brought him on as offensive coordinator in 2010 and promoted him to head coach last year, where he led the Red Wolves to an 11-2 overall record, going undefeated in the Sun Belt and winning the GoDaddy.com Bowl, which is a real thing that exists!

It's a highly successful, though light, resume, and one with teams that play exciting, up-tempo football. Freeze has succeeded everywhere except his stint at Ole Miss, which was hardly his fault. Yet Freeze's brief marches through the NAIA and Sun Belt won't intimidate even his worst SEC counterparts. Maybe he can duplicate that lower-level success in the toughest conference in college football; it's more likely he can't, and that's in no small part due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's realllllllllllly fucking hard.

9/1 vs. Central Arkansas

9/8 vs. UTEP

9/15 vs. Texas

9/22 @ Tulane

9/29 @ Alabama

10/6 vs. Texas A&M

10/13 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. Arkansas

11/3 @ Georgia

11/10 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 @ LSU

11/24 vs. Mississippi State

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Even this is a little bit generous - Central Arkansas is the only sure win on this schedule. UTEP, while no pushover, is a mediocre C-USA team that should fall in Oxford; Tulane, a bad C-USA team, should also lose in an epic snoozefest. Losses to either of them could get fans grumbling, and it doesn't get any easier after that - Ole Miss faces arguably the toughest five week stretch in the country, with contests against A&M, Auburn and Arkansas bookended by road games at Alabama and Georgia. Four of the five are sure losses.

Add in tough home games against Texas and Vandy and a trip to LSU and you have six sure losses, two likely losses (A&M and Vandy) and a tossup rivalry game at home against a better Mississippi State team, and we officially project Ole Miss at three wins for 2012. They almost attain the impossible dream of a .333 winning percentage. Alas, .250 will have to do.

Why can't this be the new Ole Miss mascot?

It's not your fault, Ole Miss, that you're in the toughest division of the toughest conference in college football. It's not your fault, Hugh Freeze, that you have to fix this mess at a school with comparatively little fan and athletic department support. Just realize that it will be your fault in three years, and for the sake of your paychecks and well-being, I hope you get it together. Until your football misery subsides, just remember the fabulous things you do have: tailgaiting and brunettes. Life doesn't seem so bad anymore. Things could be worse indeed.

Spain Reign, World Naps

Spain are to futbol what Alabama is to football: boring, villainous, and undeniably successful.

La Furia Roja, champions of Europe and the world, have held opponents goalless for 900 straight minutes in the knockout stages of major tournaments, winning nine straight matches in the leadup to Sunday's European Championship final. It's hard to lose when the other guys don't score, of course, but Spain rarely rip the nets themselves, racking up four straight 1-0 wins en route to raising the 2010 World Cup. In this tournament Spain have rarely threatened goal, taking 110 minutes to create a clear chance against a mediocre Portugal side before escaping yet again in penalties.

Looking at those scorelines, it's hard to understand why pundits hail Spain as a free-flowing marvel, a testament to attacking football, an all-conquering wonderteam that mere mortals don't understand. Whatever. Us lazy Americans will take more goals plz.

You certainly can't blame Spain's individuals for lulling you to sleep, for they've shown a capacity to play exciting football in the past. Ten of Spain's starting 11 are among the world's best at their positions: the indomitable Iker Casillas, a stone wall in goal; Sergio Ramos and Gerard Pique, center backs with moves that make most attackers jealous; Jordi Alba, the man who somehow covers left back and left wing simultaneously; Sergio Busquets, the whining anchorman who kills everything beautiful the opposition starts; and Xavi, Xabi, Iniesta, Silva, and Cesc, midfield maestros extraordinaire. (So sorry, but you suck, Alvaro Arbeloa!) 

All of these players can pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass the ball all day and all night, pass the ball till Queen Elizabeth finally dies, pass the ball for fun, pass the ball for other guys to shoot, but mostly pass the ball so the other team can't pass it. They are all also smallish, slow and mediocre at finishing. A quintet of sublime chance creators is all good and well, but rendered somewhat redundant without a top-notch chance finisher, the one thing Spain lack in the absence of injured David Villa and circa-2008 Fernando Torres.

Coach Vicente del Bosque realizes this and tailored his strategy to his side's aforementioned passing strength. When Spain take the pitch, they play a game more resembling keepaway than high-level soccer. In the end, the Spanish possess the ball at least 60% of the time, closer to 70% in most cases - but this comes at the expense of any form of attacking thrust. The pass masters move the ball forward at a snail's pace, passing sideways and backwards many times along the way. So the ball skids back and forth along the grass in these endless, hypnotic triangles.

But it never hits the back of the net. For either team.

That's the genius of del Bosque's strategy - although his team seem unlikely to score, they at least maintain a nominal chance by holding so much of the ball. Other teams, knowing they'll have so few opportunities to construct successful attacks, often seem defeated before stepping on the pitch. Looking at the results, you can hardly blame them.

Spain plays the beautiful game as beautifully as any side ever has, but not in the traditional, visual sense. The beauty lies in the strategic vision ruthlessly executed by a ruthless group of players. They control every pass, strangle every opponent, win every game. 

You just wish they did so without curing insomnia along the way.

In Which I Kinda Sorta Apologize to LeBron James

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE HEAT FUCKING SUCK. MAYBE IT WAS ALL KIND OF PREDICTABLE. I MEAN BASKETBALL IS A TEAM SPORT YOU NEED TO HAVE FIVE BODIES ON THE COURT AND THREE CAN BE REALLY FUCKING AWESOME BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE FOURTH AND FIFTH ARE WARM CORPSES KNOWN AS 'SHANE BATTIER' AND 'JUWAN HOWARD.' SMH, MIAMI HEAT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES" - 5 June 2012

The Miami Heat are NBA champions, and I don't want to live in this world anymore.

Actually, though, I'm OK with it, not because this result is a joyous one, but because it's a natural one. LeBron James is the most talented (ahem, but not the greatest) basketball player we ever have and ever will see. He should win MVP awards and NBA championships. (Not one, not two, not three . . . ok, three championships sounds about right.) No matter that he's a narcissistic douchebag that left his hometown high and dry, that he subscribes to the somewhat shameful "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality, that he refers to himself as royalty, that stupid "Chosen 1" tattoo, that he wears two headbands to cover his Wayne Rooney-esque hairline. He may be despicable off the court, but now even Skip Bayless can't deny how fantastic he is on it.

For Heat haters like myself (i.e. all of America and probably even 50% of Miami) it's time to get used to that picture above. Because as much as LeBron has been vilified, here and elsewhere, he shows up to play every single time. That triple doubles often feel like disappointments speaks not only to James' unfair talent but also to the consistent application of it; his domination of games has become so regular it now seems almost banal. 

The best players usually win. Time to (begrudgingly) accept destiny. 

You did it, LeBron. Congratulations*, I guess. 

(*HOWEVER - in order to join the true pantheon of basketball champions, one must excel not only on the court but also on the silver screen. So what you've got the first part down? You're still never gonna top the true Hollywood greats...)