There Is Plenty To Be Worried About. There Is Nothing To Be Frightened Of.

Of all the thoughts that arise after events such as last Friday's shootings in Newtown, CT, I dwell on this the longest - there is nothing stopping this from happening to me and the ones I love.

We could get our brains blown out via semi-automatic assault rifle while searching for frozen pizza at Wal-Mart. We could never come back from that showing of The Hobbit if the local homicidal psychopath happened to pick the same theater. Whenever some shitty lecture in class makes you put finger guns to your head, realize that someone may be lurking just beyond the door, all too eager to fulfill your wish.

It is a selfish line of thinking, to be sure, but that makes it no less true. And besides, it is the only way I can begin to fathom what happened in Newtown - to know that it could happen in Columbia or Champaign or Highland too. 

I had the nightmare last night. My policeman neighbor headed into the slaughterhouse of kindergartners to remove the slain. My parents' friends physically buried those same children, though they would never bury the day in their minds. My brother and sister came home without tears or words - only blank faces and shattered spirits. They were the lucky ones.

Chances are that day will never come. (There is a good reason most dreams do not come true.) Despite all the violence we hear of - and it is too much - human beings are remarkably kind to their kin. The human spirit is still alive, and thank God, for it is all that prevents us from living our public lives with the sort of blatant paranoia displayed in the words above. Yes, there is plenty to be worried about - but nothing to be frightened of.

In the next few days the nation will get over the shock of Newtown (if only because the 24- hour MSNBCNN tragedy cycle has to find something else to fixate on). The faith in humanity that allows us to live in a free society will return and the paralyzing fear will disappear. 

It is this fear we must not succumb to at any cost, for it keeps us from appreciating all we do have. We have a political system that, while completely fucked, still upholds our freedoms, facilitates peaceful changes of power and places great faith in its citizens. Step up and reaffirm that faith. We live in a nation where the individual can still improve his lot in life and make the change he wishes to see in the world. Go out and be that change. And we have mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters and aunts and uncles and old people and babies and BFFs and casual acquaintances, people that make life worth living. Hug the shit out of them while you can.

Countdown: 0

College football is back.

Long live college football.

14 in 14: Vanderbilt Commodores

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we move to Nashville, where Vanderbilt is riding high after last year's 6-7 finish. Seriously, they don't even have an athletic department, so it's not half bad! Can the 'Dores build upon this newfound momentum? We'll blindly speculate here, first by examining...

THE PLAYERS

Cornelius Vanderbilt - founder
of the university, moderately
important person occasionally
mentioned in AP US History.

They're getting better, I guess! Though the triple whammy of awful competitive history, outdated facilities and comparatively ridiculous academic standards will forever hamper Vandy's recruiting, new coach James Franklin has sold the program hard on the trail, and with some success too. Writers everywhere laud the Commodores' bounty of one four-star recruit in the 2012 class. This is progress!

Though Vandy still lags behind all but Kentucky in recruiting, they can more than make up for lack of athleticism with intelligence and good coaching. Who do you trust to execute a playbook: Houston Nutt's barely coherent army of JUCO transfers or Vandy's douchenozzle three-star QB that apparently pulled a 36 on his ACT? Let me remind you that playbooks are complicated things. Being able to read helps! The sustained success of Northwestern and Stanford proves these chickenshit theories, right?

Though Franklin hasn't yet overhauled the previous regime's decimated roster, Aaron Rodgers' brother is a nice piece to build around. Jordan sure as hell ain't his brother, but we already judge him the best QB in school history because really Jay Cutler is a fucking asshole so no. In the 10 or so Vandy snaps I watched, no individual really impressed, but none stood out for the wrong reasons either. That's a compliment to...

THE COACHES

While we like James Franklin the coach, James Franklin
the quarterback is pictured here instead due to his
undeniable sex appeal.

It's easy to forget that James Franklin was, at best, Vandy's second choice for it's head coaching position. The school ponied up a sizable chunk of change to lure Gus Malzahn, but he wisely declined after Miss Cleo revealed his dream job, Arkansas State, would open the winter after.

(ARKANSAS STATE. THE ULTIMATE DESTINATION JOB. As part of your contract, you get a sweet home on the lake at the country club. That you're in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and coaching a titan of the Sun Belt? And making less than your coordinator job at Auburn? NO-BRAINER! JK we love Gus and wish him well.)

In the end, the little-known former Maryland OC got the nod in Nashville, surprising the college football world with his tough talk. Bruce Feldman in particular loved the guy, yet Bruce also wrote a book about how awesome Ed Orgeron was at recruiting. The proclamations and bravado seemed like hopeless romanticism at best and downright stupid at worst. And then Vandy improved from 2-10 to 6-6. Franklin fought Georgia's asshat defensive coordinator. They almost beat Florida and Tennessee. They remodeled the coaching offices. Bruce Feldman gawked. ZOMG SEC CHAMPIONSHIPS NOT SO FAR AWAY RITE GAIZ?!

I really do like Franklin and think Vandy's progress is real. I also think there's a limit to how far the program can go, due to the school's financial commitment and Franklin's pro-style schemes. The power run, play-action game is beautiful when executed; it's also rarely pulled off by underdogs. Regardless, Vandy will need its new swagger while taking on...

THE SCHEDULE 

8/30 vs. South Carolina

9/8 @ Northwestern

9/15 vs. Presbyterian

9/22 @ Georgia

10/6 @ Mizzou

10/13 vs. Florida

10/20 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. UMass

11/3 @ Kentucky

11/10 @ Ole Miss

11/17 vs. Tennessee

11/24 @ Wake Forest

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Vandy's six wins last year? Elon, UConn, Army, Kentucky, Ole Miss and at Wake Forest. There's no reason to think they can't repeat against common opponents last year, and Presbyterian and UMass are laughable cupcakes. I also like them over a rebuilding Northwestern, an awful Tennessee, and maybe foolishly over Georgia and Mizzou. The 'Dores will come out bloodthirsty looking to avenge their coach against the 'Dawgs. As for Mizzou: this is a team that can beat anyone and lose to anyone. Between our two biggest games of the year (UGA and Bama) some fluky loss must come. 

That would put Vandy at NINE WINS WHAT THE FUCK! AND 6-0 ON THE ROAD! I'd like to remind you that A) South Carolina is by far the best team in the SEC East, and are they that scary?; B) they avoid Alabama, LSU and Arkansas; C) if they don't win all those road games, home games against rebuilding Florida and Auburn are certainly winnable; and D) I JUST TOOK A METRIC FUCKTON OF PCP LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

Despite my misgivings, count me in as a Vandy believer. Also, bookmark this post and tweet it at me when they finish 4-8. You'll laugh and I'll call you a bunch of horrible names and we'll never be friends again! Vandy, for the sake of my few remaining friendships: plz don't let me down!?

14 in 14: Kentucky Wildcats

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We've finally left Mississippi for the paradise of Lexington, Kentucky, newly crowned champions of the professional basketball world. While roundball-loving, thoroughbred-humping Kentuckians burned their couches to celebrate Anthony Davis and the Wildcats' NCAA Championship victory, UK football fans, upon the end of every loss, douse their furniture in puke. You'd think this would be a problem, but LOL UK F00TBALL FANS N0 EX15T. There are a few reasons for this, starting with...

THE PLAYERS

Full disclosure: I haven't watched a snap of Kentucky football since their 2007 triple-OT win over then #1 LSU. (Then again, neither have 300 million other Americans.) From their results since that wonderful game, we can safely conclude the current version of the Wildcats is far less talented than that 2007 team.

THE HEFTY LEFTY. FUCKING GLORIOUS.

Kentucky sucking at football isn't a new thing, of course. Leading Kentucky to relevance is probably Bear Bryant's greatest accomplishment in college football; they essentially sucked for 40 years after his departure until the glorious Hal Mumme/Jared Lorenzen era. Even then they kind of sucked, but goddamn, they had Mike Leach and a 300-pound quarterback. THIS HAD TO BE THE GREATEST THING EVER.
In the interest of both of us not falling asleep, let's quit not talking about the current Kentucky players we know jackshit about and move on to...

THE COACHES

"Joker Phillips." Two words synonymous with football success.

Rich Brooks' former offensive coordinator sucks worse than his former boss in more ways than Jared Lorenzen weighs in pounds. Really: how can you trust a man named after a Steve Miller Band song?

Phillips got on our good side last year by beating Tennessee with a wide receiver at quarterback. It seems like an accomplishment, until you remember that Derek Dooley makes Ron Zook look like Vince Lombardi. Still: a win is a win is a win, especially over those Volunteer bastards. We hope Joker can do it again. We doubt it, after looking at...

THE SCHEDULE

9/2 @ Louisville

9/8 vs. Kent State

9/15 vs. Western Kentucky

9/22 @ Florida

9/29 vs. South Carolina

10/6 vs. Mississippi State

10/13 @ Arkansas

10/20 vs. Georgia

10/27 @ Mizzou

11/3 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 vs. Samford

11/24 @ Tennessee

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Not that hard, but we are talking about Kentucky. All of the Wildcats' SEC opponents feature quite a bit more talent. Vandy at home would normally look winnable, but those guys are on the rise; Tennessee may have completely collapsed by week 12, but you'd still bet on 100,000 in Neyland willing the Vawls to victory. That leaves Kentucky looking to the nonconference slate for W's, which they should get against Kent State and Samford. Recent history suggests a win at Louisville unlikely, even against the thoroughly average Cardinals; as for Western Kentucky, BIG RED WILL EAT YOUR KITTENS AND RAPE YOUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN. CROSS HIM AND HIS 6-6 SUN BELT FOOTBALL TEAM AT YOUR OWN PERIL. (No, not just an excuse for the creepy picture - we really like WKU in an upset!)

You think Daniel Tosh finds this funny? 'CAUSE I SURE DON'T.

Kentucky football hasn't been rlvnt ever, and that won't change in 2012. Our predictions may seem harsh, but really, Allah has to punish any entity that employs John Calipari somehow. It's too bad he has to take it out on Joker Phillips and whatever genial gent replaces him in the not-so-hot seat after another forgettable fall of Kentucky football.

14 in 14: Mississippi State Bulldogs

Starkville, MS does not fear the reaper.

Today we continue our ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. This time we kill the hopes and dreams of Mississippi State, the backwoods underdogs who just discovered Beatlemania but prefer Blue Oyster Cult instead. They may be best known for an irrational love of cowbells, but shit, at least they can beat Ole Miss, right? The road to football mediocrity begins with...

THE PLAYERS

They're not that bad, but they're not that good either. Such is the difficulty any coach has in attracting recruits to the SEC's most remote outpost.
State loses its two-headed power-running monster in QB Chris Relf and RB Vick Ballard, necessitating a change in focus on offense that may help things. Dan Mullen used Relf like the hobo's version of Tim Tebow he was: constantly running him up the gut, using straight power and option schemes. It was three yards and a cloud of dust football from a four-wide shotgun base formation. Weird, but it kinda worked.

When State played defense, the scheme looked ingenious; the Bulldogs didn't score much, but they'll sure take wins in Gainesville, no matter how ugly. The problem, of course, came when State got behind, for Relf made Tebow look like Joe Montana. The total lack of a passing game kept good State teams from getting over the 8-win hump.

This year Mullen has to replace Relf and Ballard, along with first-round DT Fletcher Cox. The QB job will go to Tyler Russell, who's been used as a statuesque pocket-passer complement to Relf in the past. He's not been great in limited regular season snaps, but maybe an offseason as the unquestioned number one will boost his confidence. He'll need to be spot on, as this squad of three-star recruits is outclassed by pretty much every non-Kentucky SEC team. That means it's up to...

THE COACHES

Tim Gunn is appaled that anyone
can even feign such happiness in
that ghastly maroon blazer.

To mold this average outfit into a winning squad. Mullen, Urban Meyer's offensive coordinator at Florida, is a fiery leader who hasn't quite shown the same propensity of playcalling genius since arriving at Mississippi State. It's hard to expect the same level of success due to the obvious disparity in talent level, but State's offenses have left some style, points, and style points to be desired.
But Mullen has excelled in building his staff and motivating his team. State rarely gets blown out even by the SEC's best teams, a minor miracle and a major improvement over the notorious Sylvester Croom era. The current staff has to prove A) that it can design a competent passing game, and B) that it can maintain a modicum of defensive excellence despite the departure of current Texas defensive coordinator Manny Diaz. Mullen hasn't proved spectacular - he hasn't been hired away by year four at Mississippi State - but competent he is. Expect them to put a decent product on the field, and get some results due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's not as tough as you think.

9/1 vs. Jackson State

9/8 vs. Auburn

9/15 @ Troy

9/22 vs. South Alabama

10/6 @ Kentucky

10/13 vs. Tennessee

10/20 vs. Middle Tennessee

10/27 @ Alabama

11/3 vs. Texas A&M

11/10 @ LSU

11/17 vs. Arkansas

11/24 @ Ole Miss(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Write "W" in pen next to Jackson State and South Alabama and in pencil next to Troy, Kentucky, Middle Tennessee and Ole Miss. That's six wins and bowl eligibility even before you write "L" in pen next to Alabama and LSU and in pencil next to Arkansas. That leaves home games against Auburn, Tennessee and Texas A&M, all more talented teams in the midst of quarterback and scheme transitions (A&M and Auburn) or general disarray (Tennessee). They'll pull at least one of those games out; don't be surprised if they take two or even three. In the end, we give the Bulldogs eight wins, which would mean another nice season for one of the peasants of the SEC.

14 in 14: Ole Miss Rebels

Today we embark on an ambitious quest through the southeastern section (plus Missouri) of the greatest nation in the world. Along the way we'll profile the 14 football teams in the Southeastern Conference, dissing their players, mocking their coaches, wrongly predicting win/loss records and generally laughing at Tennessee because seriously they willingly wear that ghastly orange LOL. We start with perennial whipping boys Ole Miss - do they and their retarded-though-politically-correct "rebel black bear" mascot have a shot this year?

#WeAreOleMiss

Let's answer the question we posed right off - of course Ole Miss has a shot! At winning four games (though even that looks unlikely at this point)! Why is this? Let's start with...

THE PLAYERS

I don't know any of them. This means either a) I'm a lazy football fan, or b) they're not very good. The answer? You probably say a), but I say b). 

It wasn't always this way in Oxford. Even three years ago, moderately big names like Mike Wallace and Dexter McCluster suited up in red and navy, if only to be underutilized by the sometimes-savant, always-idiot Houston Nutt. Wallace, McCluster, Jevan Snead and co., all brought in by previous mouthbreather-in-chief Ed Orgeron, had some success under Nutt, who was a massive coaching upgrade by virtue of owning a few working brain cells. 

However, Orgeron is as good at recruiting as he is bad at coaching, and Nutt's armies of JUCO transfers couldn't cut it after the previous regime's pipeline ran dry. After two 9-4 seasons in Nutt's first two years, Ole Miss finished 4-8 in 2010 and a hapless 2-10 last year. Something had to change, which brings us to...

THE COACHES

They're all new, starting with head honcho Hugh Freeze. The man better known as Michael Oher's high school coach has done some hard time in Oxford before, brought in by along with his prized recruit as Orgeron's tight ends coach. After that short stint Freeze was fantastically successful...at the NAIA level with something called Lambuth. Arkansas State brought him on as offensive coordinator in 2010 and promoted him to head coach last year, where he led the Red Wolves to an 11-2 overall record, going undefeated in the Sun Belt and winning the GoDaddy.com Bowl, which is a real thing that exists!

It's a highly successful, though light, resume, and one with teams that play exciting, up-tempo football. Freeze has succeeded everywhere except his stint at Ole Miss, which was hardly his fault. Yet Freeze's brief marches through the NAIA and Sun Belt won't intimidate even his worst SEC counterparts. Maybe he can duplicate that lower-level success in the toughest conference in college football; it's more likely he can't, and that's in no small part due to...

THE SCHEDULE

It's realllllllllllly fucking hard.

9/1 vs. Central Arkansas

9/8 vs. UTEP

9/15 vs. Texas

9/22 @ Tulane

9/29 @ Alabama

10/6 vs. Texas A&M

10/13 vs. Auburn

10/27 vs. Arkansas

11/3 @ Georgia

11/10 vs. Vanderbilt

11/17 @ LSU

11/24 vs. Mississippi State

(projected wins highlighted, road games in bold)

Even this is a little bit generous - Central Arkansas is the only sure win on this schedule. UTEP, while no pushover, is a mediocre C-USA team that should fall in Oxford; Tulane, a bad C-USA team, should also lose in an epic snoozefest. Losses to either of them could get fans grumbling, and it doesn't get any easier after that - Ole Miss faces arguably the toughest five week stretch in the country, with contests against A&M, Auburn and Arkansas bookended by road games at Alabama and Georgia. Four of the five are sure losses.

Add in tough home games against Texas and Vandy and a trip to LSU and you have six sure losses, two likely losses (A&M and Vandy) and a tossup rivalry game at home against a better Mississippi State team, and we officially project Ole Miss at three wins for 2012. They almost attain the impossible dream of a .333 winning percentage. Alas, .250 will have to do.

Why can't this be the new Ole Miss mascot?

It's not your fault, Ole Miss, that you're in the toughest division of the toughest conference in college football. It's not your fault, Hugh Freeze, that you have to fix this mess at a school with comparatively little fan and athletic department support. Just realize that it will be your fault in three years, and for the sake of your paychecks and well-being, I hope you get it together. Until your football misery subsides, just remember the fabulous things you do have: tailgaiting and brunettes. Life doesn't seem so bad anymore. Things could be worse indeed.

Spain Reign, World Naps

Spain are to futbol what Alabama is to football: boring, villainous, and undeniably successful.

La Furia Roja, champions of Europe and the world, have held opponents goalless for 900 straight minutes in the knockout stages of major tournaments, winning nine straight matches in the leadup to Sunday's European Championship final. It's hard to lose when the other guys don't score, of course, but Spain rarely rip the nets themselves, racking up four straight 1-0 wins en route to raising the 2010 World Cup. In this tournament Spain have rarely threatened goal, taking 110 minutes to create a clear chance against a mediocre Portugal side before escaping yet again in penalties.

Looking at those scorelines, it's hard to understand why pundits hail Spain as a free-flowing marvel, a testament to attacking football, an all-conquering wonderteam that mere mortals don't understand. Whatever. Us lazy Americans will take more goals plz.

You certainly can't blame Spain's individuals for lulling you to sleep, for they've shown a capacity to play exciting football in the past. Ten of Spain's starting 11 are among the world's best at their positions: the indomitable Iker Casillas, a stone wall in goal; Sergio Ramos and Gerard Pique, center backs with moves that make most attackers jealous; Jordi Alba, the man who somehow covers left back and left wing simultaneously; Sergio Busquets, the whining anchorman who kills everything beautiful the opposition starts; and Xavi, Xabi, Iniesta, Silva, and Cesc, midfield maestros extraordinaire. (So sorry, but you suck, Alvaro Arbeloa!) 

All of these players can pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass the ball all day and all night, pass the ball till Queen Elizabeth finally dies, pass the ball for fun, pass the ball for other guys to shoot, but mostly pass the ball so the other team can't pass it. They are all also smallish, slow and mediocre at finishing. A quintet of sublime chance creators is all good and well, but rendered somewhat redundant without a top-notch chance finisher, the one thing Spain lack in the absence of injured David Villa and circa-2008 Fernando Torres.

Coach Vicente del Bosque realizes this and tailored his strategy to his side's aforementioned passing strength. When Spain take the pitch, they play a game more resembling keepaway than high-level soccer. In the end, the Spanish possess the ball at least 60% of the time, closer to 70% in most cases - but this comes at the expense of any form of attacking thrust. The pass masters move the ball forward at a snail's pace, passing sideways and backwards many times along the way. So the ball skids back and forth along the grass in these endless, hypnotic triangles.

But it never hits the back of the net. For either team.

That's the genius of del Bosque's strategy - although his team seem unlikely to score, they at least maintain a nominal chance by holding so much of the ball. Other teams, knowing they'll have so few opportunities to construct successful attacks, often seem defeated before stepping on the pitch. Looking at the results, you can hardly blame them.

Spain plays the beautiful game as beautifully as any side ever has, but not in the traditional, visual sense. The beauty lies in the strategic vision ruthlessly executed by a ruthless group of players. They control every pass, strangle every opponent, win every game. 

You just wish they did so without curing insomnia along the way.

In Which I Kinda Sorta Apologize to LeBron James

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE HEAT FUCKING SUCK. MAYBE IT WAS ALL KIND OF PREDICTABLE. I MEAN BASKETBALL IS A TEAM SPORT YOU NEED TO HAVE FIVE BODIES ON THE COURT AND THREE CAN BE REALLY FUCKING AWESOME BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE FOURTH AND FIFTH ARE WARM CORPSES KNOWN AS 'SHANE BATTIER' AND 'JUWAN HOWARD.' SMH, MIAMI HEAT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES" - 5 June 2012

The Miami Heat are NBA champions, and I don't want to live in this world anymore.

Actually, though, I'm OK with it, not because this result is a joyous one, but because it's a natural one. LeBron James is the most talented (ahem, but not the greatest) basketball player we ever have and ever will see. He should win MVP awards and NBA championships. (Not one, not two, not three . . . ok, three championships sounds about right.) No matter that he's a narcissistic douchebag that left his hometown high and dry, that he subscribes to the somewhat shameful "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality, that he refers to himself as royalty, that stupid "Chosen 1" tattoo, that he wears two headbands to cover his Wayne Rooney-esque hairline. He may be despicable off the court, but now even Skip Bayless can't deny how fantastic he is on it.

For Heat haters like myself (i.e. all of America and probably even 50% of Miami) it's time to get used to that picture above. Because as much as LeBron has been vilified, here and elsewhere, he shows up to play every single time. That triple doubles often feel like disappointments speaks not only to James' unfair talent but also to the consistent application of it; his domination of games has become so regular it now seems almost banal. 

The best players usually win. Time to (begrudgingly) accept destiny. 

You did it, LeBron. Congratulations*, I guess. 

(*HOWEVER - in order to join the true pantheon of basketball champions, one must excel not only on the court but also on the silver screen. So what you've got the first part down? You're still never gonna top the true Hollywood greats...)

Amanda Bieber: Worst Person in the World

THE FOLLOWING are selected tweets from notorious Twitter troll Amanda "@MandaSwaggie" Bieber. As they are deeply graphic in nature, reader discretion is advised. If you cry into and/or vomit on your keyboard, ruining it in the process, Highland Liberation Army is exempt from any replacement fees. That said, we encourage you to vomit and cry, for humanity is so, so fucked. At least we all only have a few months left, because if this is what things are coming to I'm drinking all of Jim Jones' Kool-Aid.

(You proud? I CAN USE FANCY HIPSTER JOURNALISTIC TOOL! #ItsWhyIGetLaidSoMuch #JournalismIs4Rockstars)

Yoshimi Battles The Purple Japandroids

Good day, reader. Right now I bet you're surrounded by vaguely sad middle-class white people. America! One of those vaguely sad middle-class white people is probably you. Awesome! I am too. Let's distract ourselves from taking any action to improve our mediocre lives by writing/reading/vacantlystaringat another paragraph.

We at HLA have given up any current or future attempts at prolific posting here, as every time we promise we fail miserably, though this time I got like two weeks in or something. Understand that this blog will forever remain at the periphery of your Intertube-perusing activities.

Now is the point where you ask yourself why the hell you kept reading this far. I said nothing you didn't already know. I am sorry for this. I don't say anything I don't already know, which is why this blog is so shitty. So go on your way to download some good gifs, drink a warm bottle of wine, even listen to that shitty fun. album if you must. Just remember that I ♥ U. Forever.

Smart People Discuss Politics

"You know, I think it’s about envy. I think it’s about class warfare. When you have a President encouraging the idea of dividing America based on the 99 percent versus 1 percent—and those people who have been most successful will be in the 1 percent—you have opened up a whole new wave of approach in this country which is entirely inconsistent with the concept of one nation under God. The American people, I believe in the final analysis, will reject it." - Mitt Romney

"Taking a quick trip through Twitter reveals that the same people who don't trust the government to verify that their food, drink and pharmaceuticals aren't deadly, to teach their children or to administer their healthcare are—as is the case with at least 100,000 Iraqis and counting—absolutely king-shit stoked to let the U.S. government decide when to murder the fuck out of non-white people." - Mobutu Sese Seko

"It is considered declasse in our higher politics to mention this, but there actually is a class war underway in America, and it doesn't need politicians to stoke it. It happens in millions of battles every day, over mortgages, and college loans, and retirement, and the granite-like impassibility of the country's elites in the face of what's happening to the great mass of people. Now, it's possible that our firmly purchased political system may be able to continue to divert the energies of that war in the directions most amenable to maintaining the status quo. (Blame the black people, the regulators, the drum circles, public school teachers, the Community Reinvestment Act, Van Jones!) But, sooner or later, someone's going to be desperate enough - or bold enough - to grab that energy and ride it to glory, and we all better goddamn hope that person has a good heart, because those kind of things can go awfully badly wrong. What the Wall Street casino is playing with is not house money. It belongs to all of us. They are gambling not merely with currency, but with the stability of the political system. Someone is going to pay." - Charlie Pierce

- Yours Truly

Day 26: The Pussycat Dolls of Basketball

(Those Euro 2012 previews I promised? FUCK 'EM - go read these instead. Mr. Zonal Marking has forgotten more about football than I will ever know. Now, on to more pressing matters...)

The Miami Heat are not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, but one game away from playoff elimination. 

Let's bask in the schadenfreude for a bit. 

Ready to go on? Hold on just one more second . . .

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE HEAT FUCKING SUCK. MAYBE IT WAS ALL KIND OF PREDICTABLE. I MEAN BASKETBALL THIS IS A TEAM SPORT RIGHT YOU NEED TO HAVE FIVE BODIES ON THE COURT AND THREE CAN BE REALLY FUCKING AWESOME BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE FOURTH AND FIFTH ARE WARM CORPSES KNOWN AS "SHANE BATTIER" AND "JUWAN HOWARD." 

TOO BAD THE TEAM IS IN THE HANDS OF A VAGUELY ASIAN VIDEO EDITOR WHO KNOWS WAY MORE ABOUT iMOVIE THAN DEFENDING THE PICK AND ROLL. YOU CAN HAVE THREE GREAT PLAYERS AVAILABLE BUT NO ONE OF THEM GOT A BOOBOO ON HIS TUMMY A FEW WEEKS AGO LET'S NOT CAPITULATE TO HIS DEMANDS TO PLAY AND LEAVE HIM ON THE BENCH THE WHOLE FOURTH QUARTER. 48 MORE MINUTES TILL YOU BETTER LEARN TO SURF MIAMI CRAIGSLIST COACH SPO.

AND REALLY, THE MIAMI HEAT? DAVID STERN, MASTER CONSPIRATOR, YOU COULDN'T FIND A WAY TO BRING THESE ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION TALENTS TO A CITY THAT ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT BASKETBALL? GAMES IN MIAMI ARE LIKE WEIRD KKK RALLIES. JUST 20,000 OLD CAUCASIANS ALL GATHERED CLOSE TOGETHER AND DRESSED IN WHITE TO REACT WITH INDIFFERENCE TO THE AMAZING ATHLETIC FEATS OF NINE SUPREMELY TALENTED AFRICAN AMERICANS AND MIKE MILLER. THE WEIRD THING IS YOUR COLOR SCHEME DOESN'T EVEN INCLUDE WHITE, BUT IT DOES HAVE A BUNCH OF PRIMARY COLORS, JUST LIKE EVERY UNCREATIVE AFRICAN NATION EVER. THE ONLY REASON YOU DON'T BELONG ON THE SAME COURT AS THE CELTICS IS BECAUSE YOUR UNIFORM IS SO UGLY.

REALLY YOU'RE JUST THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS OF BASKETBALL. NICOLE SCHERZINGER/LEBRON JAMES, THEY'RE OK, SUPPORTING CAST, MEH. A REALLY HOT SOLO ARTIST AND FIVE UNTALENTED AND AVERAGE LOOKING WHITE GIRLS A SUPERGROUP DOES NOT MAKE, AND NEITHER DOES LEBRON JAMES AND DWYANE WADE AND CHRIS BOSH AND FUCKING NORRIS COLE AND JOEL ANTHONY. 

BUT AT LEAST ALL THE MEDIOCRE TALENT OF PCD CAME TOGETHER FOR ONE SUBLIME MOMENT. THE HEAT CAN ONLY WISH TO PRODUCE SUCH A PERFECT ARTISTIC EMBODIMENT OF HUMANITY'S ETERNAL JEALOUSY OF HOT GIRLS. 

SMH, MIAMI HEAT. AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU, I KIND OF HOPE YOU WIN JUST SO ESPN CAN SHUT UP ABOUT YOU. HAHAHAHAHAHA NO, I TAKE THAT BACK, I HOPE YOU LOSE ON THURSDAY AND EVERY GAME NEXT SEASON AND GET BANISHED TO A REUNION TOUR IN CLEVELAND. I DON'T WISH THAT TYPE OF PUNISHMENT ON MANY, BUT IF ANYONE EVER DESERVED THAT, IT'S YOU LOSERS. GO FUCK YOURSELVES. 

(This may all seem a bit harsh, Miami, but you should know this is my favorite song. #GoFINS)

Day 25: Euro 2012 Preview, Part Un

(Editor's Note: While American football forever remains our favorite game here at HLA, futbol is now a close second. In this spirit, we bring you a comprehensive preview of this year's European Championships, starting this Friday in beautiful Ukraine and scenic Poland. We look to highlight each team and the overpaid metrosexuals that compose them. You will be enthralled. Trust us.)

* * *

GROUP A PREVIEW

Group A features four of Europe's most outstandingly mediocre sides. Let's go through what little we know about them, starting with...

Russia - Russia is to Group A as Nick Carter is to the Backstreet Boys*: the best of a fairly dismal lot. The world took notice of the Russians after their advancement to the semifinals of the 2008 edition of this very competition; soon after, everybody started sucking and the Fightin' Putins couldn't beat fucking Slovenia for a World Cup berth. Alas, Russia is still the overwhelming favorite here because at least they have a few players most people have heard of before, even if only in contexts such as "Andrei Arshavin fucking sucks!" and "Pavlyuchenko, 'bout time you scored a goal you cunt!" and "you really want me to say Pogrebnyak?"** Yes, Arshavin fucking sucked, but at least he was up against some of the world's best at Arsenal; Russia's experience against quality competition will ensure they advance past these three not-so-quality opponents.
Chance of advancing - 87 percent.

*Yes, a Backstreet Boys analogy. One Direction would be the more timely reference, but fuck them - will any of their little brothers will ever make a song this awesome? I THINK NOT.
**Steve McManaman only.

Greece - While Russia did well in this tournament four years ago, Greece won the whole damn thing four years before that. The Greeks' shocking 2004 triumph after a series of brutal 1-0 victories pissed off, well, pretty much everybody, as a) nobody outside of Greece actually roots for Greece, and b) nobody roots for a boring underdog. That's the role Greece continues to play, using soccer's equivalent of the flexbone offense, the catenaccio, an old Italian tactic whose followers eschew trying to score goals in order to prevent opponents from doing so. Futbol has enough boring stretches as is - a team that doesn't even try to score seems a fundamental disgrace to the game. Catenaccio may give the game a bad name, but it also gives overmatched sides like Greece and Ireland a fighting chance - which Greece certainly has in this average group.

Chance of advancing - 46 percent.

Czech Republic - Maybe they advance if Petr Cech stops every shot. Considering the low quantity and quality of the shots that will come from Greece and Poland, this is a distinct possibility. The Czechs don't look strong at all, but organization and strong goalkeeping - things they surely do have - could well be all they need to advance here.

Chance of advancing - 37 percent

Poland - Oh, Poland, land where my father's mother's fathers died. You would never be in this tournament if you hadn't been chosen to host it as a favor for your fervent support of UEFA's latest corrupt power brokers. All of your good players claim German citizenship through their father's grandpa's second cousin, leaving the remaining hopeless dregs to represent your hopeless dreg of a nation. I still love and support you, Poland - that is, until you start losing and Germany starts winning. Like Miroslav Klose and Lukas Podolski, you can bet I'll jump ship soon after.

Chance of advancing - 30 percent

* * *

That's all for now - join us tomorrow for discussion of actual, talented futbol teams (Germany, The Netherlands, Portugal and Denmark) in our Group B preview!

Day 18-24: We Try Again

Woops.

Turns out I'm a lazy motherfucker who can't come up with any more topics to pompously discuss. You, the reader, understood this far before I.

But you, the reader, will have to start dealing with it again, if you wish, as I'm gonna try this thing again. We will talk about Euro 2012! We will preview the coming year in SEC football! We will discuss generally uninteresting liberal artsy things too!

I see that boner in your pants, reader. Don't worry. You should be that excited.

Day 16-17: The Fat Lady

“I remember about the fifth time I ever went on ‘Wise Child.’ I subbed for Walt a few times when he was in a cast–remember when he was in that cast? Anyway, I started bitching one night before the broadcast. Seymour’d told me to shine my shoes just as I was going out the door with Waker. I was furious. The studio audience were all morons, the announcer was a moron, the sponsors were morons, and I just damn well wasn’t going to shine my shoes for them, I told Seymour. I said they couldn’t see them anyway, where we sat. He said to shine them anyway. He said to shine them for the Fat Lady. I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, but he had a very Seymour look on his face, and so I did it. He never did tell me who the Fat Lady was, but I shined my shoes for the Fat Lady every time I ever went on the air again—all the years you and I were on the program together, if you remember. I don’t think I missed more than just a couple of times. This terribly clear, clear picture of the Fat Lady formed in my mind. I had her sitting on this porch all day, swatting flies, with her radio going full-blast from morning till night. I figured the heat was terrible, and she probably had cancer, and—I don’t know. Anyway, it seemed goddam clear why Seymour wanted me to shine my shoes when I went on the air. It made sense.”

Franny was standing. She had taken her hand away from her face to hold the phone with two hands. “He told me, too,” she said into the phone. “He told me to be funny for the Fat Lady, once.” She released one hand from the phone and placed it, very briefly, on the crown of her head, then went back to holding the phone with both hands. “I didn’t ever picture her on a porch, but with very—you know—very thick legs, very veiny. I had her in an awful wicker chair. She had cancer, too, though, and she had the radio going full-blast all day! Mine did, too!”

“Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. Let me tell you something now, buddy . . . Are you listening?”

Franny, looking extremely tense, nodded.

“I don’t care where an actor acts. It can be in summer stock, it can be over a radio, it can be over television, it can be in a goddam Broadway theatre, complete with the most fashionable, most well-fed, most sunburned-looking audience you can imagine. But I’ll tell you a terrible secret—Are you listening to me? There isn’t anyone out there who isn’t Seymour’s Fat Lady. That includes your Professor Tupper, buddy. And all his goddam cousins by the dozens. There isn’t anyone anywhere that isn’t Seymour’s Fat Lady. Don’t you know that? Don’t you know that goddam secret yet? And don’t you know—listen to me, now—don’t you know who that Fat Lady really is? . . . Ah, buddy. Ah, buddy. It’s Christ Himself. Christ Himself, buddy.”

For joy, apparently, it was all Franny could do to hold the phone, even with both hands.

- Franny & Zooey, JD Salinger 

Finished reading this for the second time today. Hated it the first. Realized how wrong I was.

Say what you will about his characters (too neurotic?) and his themes (too juvenile?) Make what you will of his vanishing act. A great writer does not work from some lofty perch of moral or intellectual authority. Great art comes not from above humanity but from within. And this is a guy who chronicles all that lies within a soul better than almost anyone else. Holden Caulfield was not at all like you - and yet you related to him, right?

You wonder how a recluse could portray such humanity. Maybe it makes sense. Maybe understanding what it is to be human requires one to also be alone. To be human is to be alone? To be alone is to be human?

It seems that's the struggle any creator faces. A successful public life is a war against self-consciousness; a successful creative life is a wallowing in self-consciousness.

It seems the two generally don't go together.

In that regard, Salinger doesn't give you hope. But let's ponder the nature of genius another day; let's celebrate it for now. So what his work wasn't sophisticated? So what he didn't take his own lessons to heart? The cranky old fuck just wanted to write. He did so pretty fucking well.