Day 15: Dear Niger

Whoever picked your name was really fucking stupid.

As an oddly-named person myself, I can commiserate. Alas, the only thing people consistently confuse Kalen for is Kaleb. This isn't that bad and is generally* correctable.

You, on the other hand, are generally only referenced whenever the KKK pamphlet has a typo. 

Your people will never gain acceptance or prosperity because whenever rich white people** ask where you're from, they won't stop laughing for 15 minutes after you answer them. Then they'll fire off another 15 minutes of nigger jokes. And while rich white people are Africa's only hope, their money isn't worth the humiliation. Fuck 'em.

You shouldn't change your name just for some unlikely chance at worldly acceptance. You should do it for the geography teachers, those brave souls that ask their students to memorize the shapes of West African nations before completely forgetting about them.*** You don't understand how awkward it gets when Mrs. Jones asks Danny what the answer to question number 12 is, and Danny puts his emphasis on the wrong syllable and answers "nigger," and Mrs. Jones has to explain that a nigger is a person of dark complexion who goes gorillas in Paris, while a Niger is a hopelessly bereft African nation whose citizens resemble those noted Parisians.

But I understand times is tough, in which case the money of rich white persons may attain greater importance than preserving your cultural heritage. If that's the case, maybe the Geography Teachers Union can hire Jack Abramoff to come to you, Niger. Maybe Jack can convince you, through the use of shady promises and expensive gifts, to finally change your name. Make it something white people will like, something like "Liberty Hills" or "Fawn Creek," because white people love freedom and mountains and baby deer and streams. Your nation probably has none of these things, but this doesn't fucking matter. Do it anyway.

Peace and blessings, my Niger.

*Unless your name is Fred Ehlke.

**There is no such thing as a rich black person, of course. Noted bawse Rick Ross was the race's last best hope, but the recent arrival of Church's Chicken in LA means he's gone broke. 

***With one exception. LUV U 5EVR, MY LITTLE KONY!