So, following the lead of my idol Metta World Peace (and, depending on how much stock you put into conspiracy theories, Tupac Shakur as well), I decided to start fresh, wipe the slate clean, revert to tabula rasa, by taking the radical step of changing my name on the Internet.
In choosing my new name, I considered only one criterion: the name had to feature the word "bro." This leaves you tremendous possibilities. Broseidon, Lord of the Brocean. Bromo Sapiens. Bromeo. Bro Chi Minh. Brohan Cruyff. Broseph Goebbels (as an aspiring PR hack, my personal favorite). All tremendous choices, but one stood out above all others in the end.
I thought about soliciting a poll of all three of my readers. Then I remembered how dumb my readers are. (It takes mental problems to care about any of this shit.) And so, in my last act as Fearless Leader, I have unilaterally changed my name to Fyodor Brostoevsky.
In honor of my namesake, I plan to use this summer to write classic literature and seduce a fuckload of Russian bitches. It's gonna be the best, you guys.
My dear, this name change was a brilliant career move. All those bitches need much less slapping. Yes, I have insomnia. Yes, I am rereading your blog.
ReplyDeleteAnd most importantly, Russian literature gets all the chicks. These are facts.