Brent: "YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE AT THE HIGHLAND LIBERATION ARMY WEBLOG, WHERE TONIGHT IT'S GONNA BE A REAL OLD-FASHIONED BARNBURNER!!! I'm Brent Musburger, and with my favorite pardner Kirk Herbstreit, we're about to call the biggest college football event of the season: The AP preseason college football poll has come to one of the sports great venues, 901 Hitt Street in Columbia, MO, to take on the official Highland Liberation Army rankings."
Kirk: "Brent, I couldn't be more excited to reveal the number one ranking of Ohio State tonight. But nevermind how I violently enjoyed Luke Fickell inside of me last night; let's get to the contest! I can't wait to see what kind of retarded list the HLA's "Fearless Leader," as he calls him self, puts out there. The well-trained AP hacks, who have never been wrong before, are truly incomparable: they're going to make the Communist leader look like Mike Shula to their collective Tommy Tuberville, Tyrone Willingham to Lou Holtz, Lloyd Carr to Jim Tressel, Les Miles to...."
Brent: "Hey now, I'd fear for your safety if I were you, they're very protective of grass-eaters on this blogspace. Leave old Leslie alone for now, pardner."
Kirk: "Ok, Brent, I'm just excited to get this going! Let's unveil the list!"
Brent: "Indeed pardner, and now its time to be LOOKING LIIIVE at...my god...who is this...HOLY SHHIIIII-"
Mike Leach- "ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! THE DREAD PIRATE FOLLOWED THE WIND O' THE SEVEN SEAS TO GET HEERRRRRRREE, AND HE HAS SOME PRRRRRROTESTS
TO MAKE REGARDING THIS SHITTY ANNOUNCIN' TEAMMMM!!!!! (swings his sword aimlessly, depriving both announcers of their entrails. RIP.) I BE HAVIN A LITTLE MORRRRRE TIIIIIIIME ON ME HANDS, WITH THIS BEIN UNEMPLOYED BUSINESS, AND SEEMS I GET A LITTLE CASE O' SCUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRVVVYY!!!!! I BE CRRRRRRRAZZZY LATELY!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HIRRRRRRREEE ME TO HARRRRRRNESSSS MY UNBRRRRRRRIDLED ENERGY, BEFORE I MUTILATE CRAIG MOTHERRRRFUCKKKINNN JAMMMMEESSSSS!!!!! AMERRRRICA WOULDN'T WANNA SEE THAT, WOULDYA??????? AND ALSO, BUUUYYYYYYYYYY MY BOOOOOOOOKKKK!!!!! NOW YOU TAKE IT AWAY, FEARLESS LEADER, WITH YOUR VOICE OF SANITY IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS MADDDDNESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!"
The Fearless Leader (Me): Thanks a lot, Coach, for the public service you just performed; please, get on to mercilessly murdering Craig James next, and while you're at it, get Gruden, too! The only thing you forgot to do was to plug your Twitter, so I will:
@CoachLeach. Follow him comrades! (
and me, if you're that desperate).
Anyway, enough for the celebrities. Now it's time for what I know you came here for: a 25-part bulleted list briefly and inaccurately outlining the prospects for a select few lucky collegiate footballing squads. So without further bullshit, here it is: the official Highland Liberation Army Top 25 College Football Mega-Power Poll/Countdown/Index.
- Alabama- As much as this hurts me so, and as much as this will displease one of the two occasional readers of this blog, this really wasn't a hard choice. I know everybody else has Oklahoma number one; fuck 'em. As you'll see, this poll isn't based on logic. It's not meant to predict the order these teams will be in at the end of the year, or which teams would beat the other- I lie somewhere in between those two approaches, really- no, this poll is arbitrary, based on whatever I feel like. And I feel like Alabama is set up to win this year. Generally, I say the only team for which the quarterback position didn't really matter was the 2000 Ravens; with Jamal Lewis and that defense, Trent Dilfer simply didn't have to matter. And Alabama, with its 10 returning defensive starters (at least four future first round picks among them) and stud back Trent Richardson, could very well be the college version of that Baltimore team.
- Oklahoma- The sports media world, in all their intelligence, sometimes undervalues just how good a coach Bob Stoops is. Oklahoma wins 10+ games every single year (withholding any injuries to Sam Bradford); and teams just don't win in Norman, at all. Rarely, though, do they win all 12 when, often, they're favored in every game. When OU travels, A&M or Texas Tech or Mizzou or somebody will always come up and nip them in the ass, and rightly, the media will be like, WTF? This year, in an extremely watered down Big XII (plus an early road test at Florida State), it really would be a disappointment for Oklahoma not to run the table. With Landry Jones and Ryan Broyles returning, the offense will continue its insane output; the defense will continue to be serviceable, though not excellent. Whether that one team rises up out of nowhere or not will determine OU's BCS fate; and in this blog's humble opinion, the Sooners will yet again not escape unscathed.
- Boise State- Chris Petersen. Kellen Moore. Roster that outclasses the rest of the MWC/WAC/whatever conference they play in. Boise is a lock to win 11 games; TCU and Georgia certainly present tests, but the Broncos should win at least one (and will be favored to win both) of these games. As they represent the proletariat of college football, we sincerely hope they do run the table; we are worried, though, about Virginia Tech going undefeated and Boise being snubbed for a one-loss SEC team. People would be totally pissed, but for the wrong reason- as Boise proved last year, its better than VT. We hope Boise is the only team to go undefeated, thus leaving the voters no question on where to put the Broncos- the BCS National Championship Game.
- Oregon*- There's no way the Ducks repeat last season. Losing Cliff Harris (probably) and 3/5ths of the offensive line and a good chunk of the pass rush will leave the Ducks too young, not tough enough, to get through the moderately difficult Pac 12 North. However, the Duck better be ready to do some pushups- Chip Kelly will certainly turn up the heat again on offense- and Oregon will reach double digit wins.
- LSU- The Louisiana State offense will completely fucking suck this year. Losing decidedly average QB Jordan Jefferson to barfight and decidedly average OC Steve Kragthorpe to Parkinson's (fate is a cruel, cruel bitch) leaves LSU with a decidedly shitty QB in Jarrett Lee and an unknown but unexciting OC in "Coach Stud" (whose name I only know because Herbstreit constantly referenced him without actually telling us his real name). The Louisiana State defense, however, will completely fucking rock; Barkevious Mingo will be ready to go, along with the rest of his comrades on that side of the ball. And despite how rough the SEC is, you can get by without scoring because many teams aren't that likely to score on you (especially with LSU's defensive talent). We're both up and down on LSU compared to the pundits; we acknowledge that they won't score, but unlike others, we don't think it'll matter. 10-2 for LSU.
- Texas A&M- I loved aTm last year. An offense that has the potential to explode- Ryan Tannehill, Cyrus Gray, the very girly Christine Michael, and Jeff Fuller are all special talents at the skill positions. A solid defense, especially for the Big XII. The awesomeness that is Kyle Field. The whole underdog thing. I love the Aggies- well, except for their coach, former Packer boss Mike Sherman, who is infected with NFLAIDS.
- Nebraska- First off, follow @FauxPelini on Twitter! Second off, I have no faith in Taylor Martinez or his team! The Big Ten, slow as they are, tend to expose bad spread offenses for what they are- bad (Ron Zook-coached teams notwithstanding.) So why is Nebraska my highest ranked Big Ten team? I really don't know, honestly; something in me believes they're just that much better than everybody else on defense. If Wisconsin can play defense, then they, and not Nebraska, will capture the conference. Otherwise, the Huskers start in their new league with some hardware and an automatic BCS bid.
- Stanford- Utterly conflicted here. On one hand, the schedule is pretty soft; only Oregon looms as a real test, which, after their performance against LSU, doesn't look that bad anymore. On the other hand, the drop off from Jim Harbaugh to David Shaw is...well...there will be one. Sometimes these things work: Butch Davis to Larry Coker, Dick Vermeil to Mike Martz, Steve Spurrier to Ron Zook...ok, I guess they don't work after all. But the hangover of success may last for Stanford just this year, especially with Andrew Luck under center. This team will either crash and burn to 7-8 wins or run the table. But remember- this still is Stanford.
- Wisconsin- Russell Wilson! Running the ball! Fat ass linemen from the state's 80000000 dairy farms! Unstoppable force! Play-action! Paul Chryst is the best offensive coordinator ever! I AM VERY FUCKING HIGH ON SOME BADGER. The only question is if the defense can play at conference-champion level- I don't necessarily have faith in this- but offensively, there's nothing not to like about this team.
- Arkansas- Heartless cyborg Bobby Petrino really has this program rolling, especially in the pass game (which, after all, is now the most important aspect of the game at all levels.) Whether the Pigs will be good enough defensively- ok, it's not even a question, they won't be that good- will determine how they finish in the polls. This team will lose at least thrice, but they'll look quite stylish doing it, and in the SEC West, there's no shame in dropping a few games.
- TCU*- Well, well, not looking so good now, this number 11 ranking for the Mountain West's ex-standard bearer. Really, though, they're still getting to double digit victories. Though Baylor exposed Gary Patterson's impenetrable 4-2-5, Robert Griffin III is a hell of a football player, and the offense did score 48 still- they make their two missed PAT's and we have OT. Ultimately, they'll be coached up good, lose to Boise but win the other 10, and enjoy their Poinsettia Bowl appearance.
- Virginia Tech- No faith in this offense, but Bud Foster and Frank Beamer know how to coach up some defense and special teams, respectively. Plus, no ranked opponents on the schedule- and whoever they face in the ACC Championship won't exactly be a powerhouse. It's a distinct possibility that the Hokies run the table and get to the BCS Mythical National Championship (in fact, I think they will) but I'd take any of the teams in the SEC West (well, besides Ole Miss) in a head to head with VT.
- Florida State- Count me as an unbeliever. Whoever said EJ Manuel would be a great quarterback? Christian Ponder was a first-rounder, and he never made the Seminoles look like a #13 team. Though Jimbo Fisher's recruiting and Mark Stoops' defense have the program's trajectory ascending for the first time since Tommy Bowden was a young boy, they still need another year to implement the program before FSU can truly compete.
- Notre Dame*- Another oooops on this prediction by the good old Fearless Leader. We really thought purple-faced fucktard Brian Kelly would have his kids coached up; instead, the ghost of Charlie Weis seems to continue to haunt this program. Dayne Crist makes stupid throws, receivers can't catch the stupid ball, and, surprisingly considering Kelly's sterling reputation in this blogspace, the playcalling has left a lot to be desired. More losses to programs of USF and Navy's ilk will leave Kelly's ass warm after this season.
- Ohio State- Joe BOWSER-man and Braxton Miller, at this point in their careers, sure as fuck ain't Terrelle Pryor; with the Buckeye tattoo parlor, ahem, I meant recruiting, machine running at full strength, the players around these QB's will bail the team out. Though they won't win the Big Ten for the first time in forever, OSU will still have a solid year of 9-10 wins, and then the fun really begins. Good luck, Urban. Don't kill yourself on the job.
- Oklahoma State- OK, this scares me. I love Weeden, Blackmon, and Gundy, but I loved Holgo even more, and the fact that their new OC learned the offense from his QB (even if he is a decidedly unusual and mature 27 year old) indicates the dropoff that's certain from last year's explosive offensive output. And with their defense, the Pokes need to put up all the points they possibly can. It won't be enough against their best opponents this year- 8 or 9 wins seem likely for these Cowboys.
- West Virginia- HOLGO THE BARBARIAN!!! Epic Jimmy Buffett lookalike Dana Hologorsen brings his more balanced version of Coach Leach's airraid to the land of Jesco White, and with dark-horse Heisman candidate Geno Smith in the shotgun, Holgo should put up some points (and some Red Bull in his stomach.) The defense won't be great, but hell, this is the TCU-less Big East- you really think UConn's gonna win it again? No fucking way. Mountaineers to the BCS, if only to get shellacked by a football team from a real conference.
- Mississippi State- Future Georgia head coach Dan Mullen (well, maybe not, there's still Alabama DC Kirby Smart) leads the Starkville-based Bulldogs for the last time this year before moving to the Athens-based canines. He is a damn smart man, and knows how to coach up an offense- whether its with Chris Leak or Chris Relf behind center. For only the fourth best team in the SEC West, losses are a certainty. Still, it doesn't mean MSU isn't one of the top 20 teams in the nation- last year's Gator Bowl certainly proved this.
- Utah- Kyle Whittingham is a fantastic football coach, and though Utah wasn't at its best last year, you look at the rest of the Pac 12 South- and Herbstreit's insistence that UCLA will win the division- and realize there's no reason the Utes can't win it. I don't know how their players are, but they will be well coached- and in that division, that'll be enough.
- Missouri- James Franklin looks really unnatural throwing the ball, and the running game (sans-Franklin) is little to get excited about. Dave Steckel's defense, however, looks much improved post-2009, and Mizzou, in a fairly weak Big XII, should be fairly competitive even without the offensive output they're used to.
- Georgia*- Georgia may have the worst coaching staff in the nation. Outschemed by a mile against Boise master Jedi Chris Petersen and Co., Todd Grantham didn't even bother to use his team's superior athleticism in the way it should be used- man coverage. Don't give me fucking soft zones when it plays right into Kellen Moore's hands- he can't throw it with zip into tight windows, but he'll pick apart a cover two all day. Offensively, the Dawgs continued to be embarrassingly incompetent- the prosaic pro-style attack just isn't utilizing the considerable talent on the roster. Fans already know Mark Richt is on his way out; the only question is who's on his way in. More on that in December.
- South Carolina- This is a lot lower than anyone else has the Cocks, but really- do we trust Steven Garcia to consistently play like he did in those three quarters against East Carolina? Plus, Sakerlina's backup Connor Shaw (who gets the playing time when Garcia inevitably gets Spurrier'd onto the bench) looked totally fucking awful. The only thing that saves this team are the future top-10 picks- Marcus Lattimore, Alshon Jeffery (boy, would he look good in a Rams helmet), Stephon Gilmore, and especially future number one overall Jadeveon Clowney, who as a true freshmen in his first game looked like a man among boys. Athletically, USC is one of the best teams in the SEC- a testament to Spurrier's recruiting- but his offensive genius is not what it used to be, and that's what'll ultimately cost this team.
- Arizona State- Because there was nobody else. Dennis Erickson sucks. The QB is 6 foot 8 and statuesque. Still, in this weak Pac 12, this isn't necessarily bad, and there was no way I was ranking Kiffykins' USC team...
- Auburn- FUCK. FUCKETY FUCKETY FUCK. WHY UTAH STATE, WHY YOU FUCK UP LIKE YOU WAS LEBRON JAMES??? WHY YOU CHOKE??? FUCK!!!!!!! TED ROOF FUCKING SUCKS!!! GUS MALZAHN FUCKING ROCKS!!! TROOPER TAYLOR FUCKING ROCKS AT TWIRLING TOWELS BUT FUCKING SUCKS AT COACHING WIDE RECEIVERS!!! GENE CHIZIK IS FUCKING AVERAGE!!! 8-4 FOR AUBURN!!! (Tell me Ben, possible second reader of this blog, if you actually read this, if this was a satisfactory Auburn preview?) In summation, WAR FUCKING EAGLE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
- Illinois- For shits and giggles. Illinois will fucking suck, I just want to make Ricky happy. This is the only reason either Auburn or UIUC are ranked.
THE END!!!!! (Phew).
(* indicates that the first week already proved these teams horribly overrated. As I am a full-grown half-man, however, I keep them as I originally ranked them in the true spirit of a blind preseason poll. I don't mind laughing at myself and how idiotic and inane my predictions are later).
We'll revisit how horribly wrong these predictions were after the season. Until then, football season has begun. Enjoy it, y'all. -kw-
