Most Important Meal of the Day

"I like to eat breakfast alone, and almost never before noon; anybody with a terminally jangled lifestyle needs at least one psychic anchor every twenty-four hours, and mine is breakfast. In Hong Kong, Dallas, or at home—and regardless of whether or not I have been to bed—breakfast is a personal ritual that can only be properly observed alone, and in a spirit of genuine excess. The food factor should always be massive: four Bloody Marys, two grapefruits, a pot of coffee, Rangoon crêpes, a half-pound of either sausage, bacon, or corned-beef hash with diced chilies, a Spanish omelette or eggs Benedict, a quart of milk, a chopped lemon for random seasoning, and something like a slice of key lime pie, two margaritas and six lines of the best cocaine for dessert…Right, and there should also be two or three newspapers, all mail and messages, a telephone, a notebook for planning the next twenty-four hours, and at least one source of good music…all of which should be dealt with outside, in the warmth of a hot sun, and preferably stone naked."

-Hunter S. Thompson 

Say what you will about the good doctor- the man lived. His life was one great fucking time. Even though he ended it all himself, I don't think, as he raised the gun to his head, any regret passed through his mind. And that's when you know you've done something right.

I want his words. I want his life.

Think Less/Say Yes

"In the end, no one will ever give a shit who has kept shit 'real' except the two or three people, sitting in their apartments, bitter and self-devouring, who take it upon themselves to wonder about such things. The keeping real of shit matters to some people, but it does not matter to me. It's fashion, and I don't like fashion, because fashion does not matter. 

What matters is that you do good work. What matters is that you produce things that are true and will stand. What matters is not the perception, nor the fashion, not who's up and who's down, but what someone has done and if they meant it. What matters is that you want to see and make and do, on as grand a scale as you want, regardless of what the tiny voices of tiny people say. Do not be critics, you people, I beg you. I was a critic and I wish I could take it all back because it came from a smelly and ignorant place in me, and spoke with a voice that was all rage and envy. Do not dismiss a book until you have written one, and do not dismiss a movie until you have made one, and do not dismiss a person until you have met them. It is a fuckload of work to be open-minded and generous and understanding and forgiving and accepting, but Christ, that is what matters. What matters is saying yes. 

I say yes, and if that makes me the enemy, then good, good, good. We are evil people because we want to live and do things. We are on the wrong side because we should be home, calculating which move would be the least damaging to our downtown reputations. But I say yes because I am curious. I want to see things. I say yes when my high school friend tells me to come out because he's hanging with Puffy. A real story, that. I say yes when Hollywood says they'll give me enough money to publish a hundred different books, or send twenty kids through college. Saying no is so fucking boring. 

And if anyone wants to hurt me for that, or dismiss me for that, for saying yes, I say: Oh do it, do it you motherfuckers, finally, finally, finally."

-Dave Eggers*

Eggers is a pretty smart motherfucker and, while sometimes a bit overwrought, one of the better writers out there today. After about half of his A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, I'm beginning to think the title may not be an exaggeration.

His point here is one I think about a lot, though I have little success implementing it. Even though we have greater ability to communicate today than ever before, we seem even more separated and fragmented and distant than usual. I guess it's because every time we communicate we're putting a little piece of ourselves out there to be judged, and that fear doesn't go away even for the most self-assured. In an era of constant communication, those pieces eventually add up to a paralyzing fear of opening up to new people or revealing new aspects of our lives to those we do know. And it all leads to the routine and stagnation we humans seem to naturally crave.

Eggers says, and I want to say, "Fuck that." If you want to do something, do it. If you're happy smile. If you're sad cry. If you're angry buy a Mitt Romney cardboard cutout and punch the hell out of it. If you're masochistic watch a Rams game while listening to Nickelback. Don't lie about how you feel to seem normal or to gain some perverted sense of community. Fuck the haters and the potential haters. Stay true to yourself and you won't have any regrets. Appreciate yourself and eventually others will follow suit.

Listening to the haters breeds regret, but so does not listening to the inviting call of opportunity. Better to do something and hate it than not do it and always wonder. So do things you've never done. Go outside. Laugh at others, laugh at yourself, laugh at life. You'll sleep when you're dead.

Now, if only I could listen to my own advice more often.

(song vaguely related to the larger point-you can figure out how, my genius readers!)

((plus, Japandroids are fucking awesome, so you really should listen!))

(((that is all.)))

*Eggers is a UIUC graduate! This is a fact that will hopefully please roughly one-third of our readers!

Hasta Luego, Miguel

Mike Martz answered the question nobody was asking yesterday.

The erstwhile offensive genius of the NFL has officially announced his retirement from coaching. As no team publicly sought Martz's services after his resignation from the Bears earlier this year, Martz's statement puzzled the media and the Twittersphere. Many no doubt saw it as one last, shameless grab at the spotlight by a man whose coaching star has faded- though his ego has not.

When a team hires Martz to its coaching staff, it can be sure of two things. The first: Martz will piss somebody off. He's certainly a little aloof and not a particularly warm fellow, and telling him to change his approach is a futile, if not counterproductive, exercise. His image as some sort of nutty professor, white-haired and bespectacled and shredding defenses with reckless abandon, has both made and ruined his reputation over the years.

The other, more important certainty lies somewhere more quantifiable- more points will be scored. AThe converse also holds true- after Martz is fired, less points will be scored.* The facts bear it out (Martz's years with team listed in bold):

1998 Rams- 285 points (24th)

1999 Rams- 526 points (1st)

2005 Rams- 363 points (11th)

2006 Rams- 367 points (10th)
(*Yeah, so the whole "Fire Martz and Get Worse" thesis doesn't bear true here, but after 2006 it all went to hell for the Rams. Their scoring offense rankings since 2007- 28th, 30th, 32nd, 26th, 32nd. Having watched most of the shitty games in this era of 15-65 football, I can say it was as depressing, if not more so, than the stats make it look.)

2005 Lions- 254 points (28th)

2006 Lions- 305 points (21st)

2007 Lions- 346 points (16th)

2008 Lions- 268 points (27th)**

(**With Martz in 2007, the Lions went 7-9. Jon Fucking Kitna threw for 4,000 yards. After canning their wonderful offensive coordinator, they promptly dropped to 0-16 the following year.)

2007 49ers- 219 points (32nd)

2008 49ers- 339 points (22nd)

2009 49ers- 330 points (18th)

2009 Bears- 327 points (19th)

2010 Bears- 331 points (21st)

2011 Bears- 353 points (17th)

2012 Bears- ???

I know that after 1999 the record doesn't look so hot. Remember, though, that the 49ers and Lions had shitty players during his tenures there and that he nearly led a team to the Super Bowl on the back of a third-string quarterback just last year. Maybe those Super Bowl runs with the Rams were the perfect combination of scheme and talent at the perfect time, enough to mask some of the deficiencies in Martz's personality and coaching style. Maybe. The numbers and the anecdotal evidence lead me to believe the man still hasn't totally lost it.

Let me first point out the problems with my argument. I look at his career from a kid's wide eyes behind blue-and-gold-tinted glasses. I know I'm incredibly jaded from the past five years of Rams sucking and look back on the good old days as better than they really were. I realize the zenith of his coaching career, Super Bowl XXXIV, took place when I was seven years and one day old, and at that time I didn't understand football like I do (after a good ten years of Madden) today. I understand that he's sort of a dick and kind of a mercenary and that most people don't like him, which matters in a sport with as many interrelated parts as football does.

But if you really play to win the game, you should probably want that dick on your side. The man nearly doubled a team's offensive output in a single year. So his style leaves quarterbacks and defenses vulnerable. Tough shit for them. So he likes to do things his way. Get used to it. So do Mike Leach and Dana Holgorsen, and everybody loves them.

The NFL emphasizes notions of parity and competitive balance more than any other sport. Unfortunately, that mindset filters from the league suits to individual front offices and ultimately through an incestuous coaching pool. Everybody seeks to do things the same way, the Right Way, building defense and a strong running game. Most football fans see through this bullshit. Most coaches still don't.

Mike Martz was the rare exception, and count this blogger's voice in amongst the tiny chorus who will miss his presence on the sideline next fall.

HLA's Top Ten Songs of 2011

Because everyone else is doing it, and because I'm not good enough to come up with unique post ideas, and because we must advance the spread of hipster music throughout the world.

Enjoy it, motherfuckers.

10. Wavves- I Wanna Meet Dave Grohl

Because really, who doesn't wanna meet Dave Grohl?

9. Random Guy on Subway- Niggas in Paris

Because I needed an excuse to link to this video.

8. M83- Midnight City

Because EPIC SAXOPHONE SOLO AT THE END. The audacity! Got damn!

7. Cults- Oh My God

Because who doesn't love concept albums featuring girl power vocals and creepy Jim Jones cameos over 60's pop-inspired beats?

6. Manchester Orchestra- Simple Math

Because this song and this band are fucking fantastic.

5. Neon Indian- Polish Girl

Because until there's new MGMT, Neon Indian is my go-to band for trippy shit.

4. Cage the Elephant- Shake Me Down

Because we could all learn to keep our eyes fixed on the sun- even on a cloudy day.

3. Foster the People- Helena Beat

Because it's almost as good as Pumped Up Kicks AND you haven't heard it ten million times already. (Well...at least not yet.)

2. Grouplove- Colours

Because Grouplove are the bestest new band out there.

1. Yuck- Get Away

Because that guitar sounds so fucking good I could fap to it ten times a day.
At least.

Hide Your Tebowners: A Few Thoughts on a Relatively Anonymous Quarterback

Last semester, for a variety of unimportant reasons to be examined never, I took a religion class, and got damn did I dread it. As an atheist, I figured it would be me and a couple hundred Bible thumpers of all different varieties. There would be a few C.S. Lewis-reading hipsters, and some more gun-toting flag-waving hicks, and even more average people who claim their Christian faith but do little in their lives to demonstrate it. There's nothing wrong with any of these (admittedly short-sighted) stereotypes; everyone has their own ways when dealing with higher powers, as well they should. It's just not the way I roll. I figured I'd just sit in a corner and keep my mouth shut, and at least enjoy the comedy provided by the inevitable bastardization of Jesus' actions and words into justification for bigotry and intolerance.

Of course, then, it became my favorite class, but not for the reasons I thought. The whole thing turned out to be genuinely enjoyable. Sure, there were some comments and viewpoints shared that I wouldn't agree with, but there were no examples of cray-cray zealotry. Disagreement and debate were always polite. The class centered around Christianity (of course), but nobody complained when it turned to Buddhism and Islam. When a Wiccan guest lecturer spoke, nobody even asked if he was a witch (or threatened to burn him at the stake!). People just didn't say stupid shit, and that surprised me in the best way possible.

Then we talked about Tim Tebow.

***

The genius of Tebow, and more specifically the marketing campaign that surrounds him, is that his name comes up in places and discussions it should never appear in. Athletes that get the type of incessant coverage in and out of the sporting world that Tebow has usually meet two criteria: 1) they must kill some dogs and/or rape some women (or perhaps commit the equally heinous crime of divorcing a Kardashian!), and 2) they must be good enough at their sporting day job for us to give a shit. Tebow doesn't come close to meeting either of these requirements. All he had to do was kneel.

To say that any NFL quarterback is a significant figure in modern religion is blasphemy. To give that honor to a man at the helm of the league's second-worst passing offense only heightens the sin. Yet there we were, sitting in 313 Strickland, capitulating to the ESPN-manufactured narrative of Tebow as a Figure of Significance, making him matter way more than he should.

Football, like any other sport, is great because no matter what level it's played on, in the end it's just a game. It's a diversion from the heavier issues that legitimately plague our lives and our culture and out Earth. Any individual outcome doesn't effect the course of our lives or of American history or of the universe. Despite the outsize attention and love we show for football- and this blog is one of the worst offenders- in the end, none of it matters.

The natural human impulse of finding meaning in meaninglessness has to work its way into everything, though, and that impulse has settled its focus upon the quarterback of the now 9-9 Denver Broncos. I don't know if he believes his Lord & Savior Jesus Christ actively intervenes to help him win football games. If God does exist, I hope he would help the billions of people that can't find or afford food and shelter before a millionaire quarterback that can't throw a spiral. I don't think divine intervention is the secret to Tebow's success. I sure hope it isn't.

***

Our religion class spent a good twenty minutes discussing Tim Tebow a week or so after his frantic late touchdown scramble to beat the Jets launched Tebowmania in earnest. A few people praised his willingness to expose his beliefs to such ridicule (upon which you wonder how much hatred people could really have for the player that sells more jerseys than any other in the NFL). Another girl loudly defended his right to speak his mind and wondered what exactly the haters were trying to achieve.

It was then I decided, in a last-ditch effort to restore sanity, I had to break my vow of silence and talk for the first time in the semester. Wasn't a big indignant speech or anything; I just pointed out how popular he actually is and how the underdog role he's fashioned is pretty much bullshit (after all, what bigger advantage can one have in life than God's hand actively intervening on their behalf?), and that I support people who are good at what they do*. What's so special about a guy who gets paid to play quarterback but can't even throw a spiral?

And then I waited for the backlash that didn't come.

There would be one more comment. This girl grew up in Serbia and still has quite a heavy accent, yet in her words she exhibited the greatest understanding of football and culture and religion and America I have ever seen.

"Yeah, I just don't understand what the big deal is. I mean, like he said, if Tebow's a shitty player that doesn't even matter, why should we care about him?"

Nobody had an answer for her question.

Two Sentences.

GODDAMMIT YOU MOTHERFUCKER COCKSUCKERS THAT MAKE UP THE RAMS FUCKING COACHING STAFF WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU THINKING YOU FUCKTARDS ESPECIALLY YOU JOSH MCDANIELS BUT ALSO YOU STEVE SPAGNUOLO I WON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN IT COMES OUT THAT Y'ALL ARE PULLING PETE ROSE SHIT RIGHT NOW AND BETTING ON YOUR PATHETIC FUCKING FOOTBALL TEAM TO LOSE AND I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE NFL ANYMORE BUT GODDAMN YOU FUCKERS JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND IT'S REALLY FUCKING IRRITATING TO SOME PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT YOU TO GO FLY A FUCKING KITE JUST ALL Y'ALL EVEN THAT CUNT SAM BRADFORD JUST GO TO A BACK ALLEY BAR WHERE YOU CAN GET FUCKED IN THE ASSHOLE BY HERMAN CAIN AND THEN GET SUCKED OFF IN THE GLORY HOLE BY JACK HOFFMAN WHO CAN THEN SHOVE HIS BALL PEEN HAMMER UP ALL Y'ALLS TWATS WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE LEARN HOW TO CALL SOME FUCKING GOAL LINE OFFENSE YOU HAVE FUCKING STEVEN JACKSON AND YOU FUCKING THROW THE FUCKING FOOTBALL TO YOUR SHITTY ASS RECEIVERS GODDAMN FUCK I'D RATHER WATCH TWO GIRLS ONE CUP OR THREE GUYS ONE HAMMER OR FOUR HERMAPHRODITES ONE LADY GAGA OVER YOUR SHITTY FUCKING OFFENSE HOPEFULLY R KELLY COMES TO ST LOUIS TOMORROW AND MISTAKES ALL Y'ALL FOR NINE YEAR OLD GIRLS AND PISSES ALL OVER ALL Y'ALL BEFORE HANDING YOU PINK SLIPS AND REVEALING THAT YOUR WIVES HAVE BEEN CHEATING WITH AFRICAN-AMERICAN MIDGET STRIPPERS WHO ARE BLESSED WITH DISPROPORTIONATELY LARGE GENITALIA AND/OR NEWT GINGRICH IN SUMMATION FUCK ALL Y'ALL.

Even these words are not nearly harsh enough for Steve Spagnuolo, Josh McDaniels, and everybody else associated with your 2-11 St. Louis Rams.

The Search

The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life . . . To become aware of the possibility of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair.

What do you seek- God? you ask with a smile.

I hesitate to answer, since all other Americans have settled the matter for themselves and to give such an answer would amount to setting myself a goal which everyone else has reached- and therefore raising a question in which no one has the slightest interest. Who wants to be dead last among one hundred and eighty million Americans? For, as everyone knows, the polls report that 98% of Americans believe in God and the remaining 2% are atheists and agnostics- which leaves not a single percentage point for a seeker. For myself, I enjoy answering polls as much as anyone and take pleasure in giving intelligent replies to all questions.

Truthfully, it is the fear of exposing my own ignorance which constrains me from mentioning the object of my search. For, to begin with, I cannot even answer this, the simplest and most basic of questions: Am I, in my search, a hundred miles ahead of my fellow Americans or a hundred miles behind them? That is to say: Have 98% of Americans already found what I seek or are they so sunk in everydayness that not even the possibility of a search has occurred to them?

On my honor, I do not know the answer.       

-- Walker Percy, The Moviegoer 

College Football 2011- In List Form

OUR FINAL POLL

1. LSU
2. Oklahoma State
3. Alabama
4. Stanford
5. Wisconsin
6. USC
7. Boise State
8. Oregon
9. Kansas State
10. Arkansas
11. Baylor
12. South Carolina
13. Clemson
14. Michigan
15. Southern Miss
16. Virginia Tech
17. Houston
18. TCU
19. Michigan State
20. Georgia
21. West Virginia
22. Oklahoma
23. Georgia Tech
24. Nebraska
25. Missouri (FOR THE LOLZ)

OUR HEISMAN BALLOT

1. RG3
2. Honey Badger
3. Montee Ball
4. Andrew Luck
5. Trent Richardson
6. Denard Robinson
7. Matt Barkley
8. Case Keenum
9. Sammy Watkins
10. Nathan Scheelhaase/AJ Jenkins (co-champs)

COACH OF THE YEAR

1. Ron Zook (OBVIOUSLY)
2. Rick Neuheisel (the poor man's Zook for the poor man's Champaign-Urbana)
3. Paul Johnson (for the triple-option and for not giving a fuck)
4. Gary Pinkel (for the drunkards)
5. Brian Kelly (for his strong resemblance to Grimace of McDonald's fame)
6. Paul Rhoads
7. Mike Gundy 
8. Kevin Sumlin
9. Les Miles
10. Bill Snyder (actual winner- for his evil overlord powers)

ASSISTANT COACH OF THE YEAR

1. Ted Roof 
2. Charlie Weis
3. Jerry Sandusky

WORST TRAVESTIES

1. Me not getting an interview for the Illinois head coaching position
2. Penn State
3. Rematch in the BCS Championship
4. Nick Saban
5. Kansas' defense

BEST THINGS

1. Mizzou moving to the SEC
2. Mike Leach finally hired by Washington State
3. Plot to assassinate Ron Zook foiled
4. Michigan State-Wisconsin games
5. Oklahoma running classic QB Power

BEST SPORT, BEST TV SHOW, BEST THING ABOUT LIFE IN TWO THOUSAND AND ELEVEN THE YEAR OF OUR LORDS BEAR BRYANT/PAT DYE/TIM TEBOW

1. College Football

Goodnight, Sweet Prince

Tomorrow, for the first morning in seven years, the world will wake up to find Ron Zook unemployed.

The sun might as well not come up. The Mayans might as well be right. We might as well all just commit suicide and leave it at that, for all is lost.

Now, who will go for two point conversions just for shits and giggles? Who will allow the prolific Scheelhaase-to-Jenkins combo to flourish? Who will create his defensive playbook on the fly by pressing the Ask Madden button? Who will look so hot and dangerous while waterskiing? 

The answer is nobody, my friends. Though there are many worthy candidates for the Illinois head coaching position- namely, Mike Leach and Kalen Wagoner- those men, and all others really, are incapable of filling the Zooker's small, oddly-shaped, putrid-smelling shoes. 

'Tis a shame the old Greek poets have long been gone, for Homer could've written a bitchin' tome about the tragic hero named Ron Zook.

College Football Poll- The EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL! Edition

Horrible things are happening in college football, you guys. Boise State has lost! Stanford has lost! Oklahoma State is about to lose to the juggernaut that is Oklahoma! These teams were three of our favorites; we wanted to see one of them take on LSU for the national championship. Had that happened, there would be no bad result in our eyes. We have noted our love for Les Miles and LSU before, and have no problem with them taking home another title for the SEC! SEC! SEC! (Are we Mizzou folk allowed that cheer yet?) But we also love the multitalented Mike Gundy, Andrew Luck and his enviable neck beard, and, of course, the Idahoan smurfs who will be number one in our hearts forever. 

Stanford and Boise appear to have no shot at this point; Oklahoma State has a seeming walkover in Ames (though you never know when Paul Rhoads will get Iowa State playing quality football) before a stiff test against the archrival Sooners in the last-week Bedlam game that may serve as a de-facto play in for the national championship. Though Oklahoma will miss Ryan Broyles, the little engine that's powered their ruthlessly effective passing game for what seems like forever, the Sooners' talent caliber still overwhelms the Cowboys' as a whole. In the end, Okie State will have to score, and score a shit ton, to give themselves a chance, as their rather porous (but opportunistic) defense will not stop the Sooners. We hope Gundy can find a way to pull it out, but we just don't see it happening.

Where does that leave us? The short answer- some level of chaos. It could be DEFCON 3, or it could be DEFCON 1, but a hypothetical Oklahoma State loss leaves the BCS without two clear choices. This isn't Auburn-Oregon of last year, or Texas-USC of a few years ago. The outcome won't be objective. It won't be fair. People gon' be pissssed.

Here's the DEFCON 3 scenario. Does Alabama deserve a rematch with LSU after losing an ugly game at home? Does Oregon deserve another neutral field game against the Tigers after their own week one loss? Does nobody deserve a rematch, opening the door to an Oklahoma team that got dominated at home by a shitty Texas Tech team? Does Oklahoma State, who blew out the Red Raiders 66-6 on the road, deserve to stay ahead of their in-state rivals after a hypothetical loss? If Clemson wins out, they'll have impressive wins over Auburn, South Carolina, and Virginia Tech (twice); how are they worse than an Alabama squad that's beaten Arkansas, Penn State, Auburn, and nobody else? Or should we just say fuck it and put Houston in the national championship instead? 

Where we all really go to hell, though, is if Arkansas goes into Tiger Stadium and beats LSU on Black Friday. If this happens, the top three teams in the SEC West will all be 11-1, ranked in the top five, and sporting losses to each other, we will be at DEFCON 1, Iran will drop a nuke on Mike Slive's bunker, and Jon Huntsman will become president.  

But really, though- how do you break the tie to determine who gets to wipe Georgia off the field in the SEC Championship? Alabama will have the most convincing win, a resounding victory over a banged-up Arkansas at home. Arkansas will have the best win, knocking off #1 in their own house. LSU will have the best body of work, having rolled through the SEC and beating Oregon along the way. 

The system that would determine who gets that right? The BCS rankings, of course. It's the BCS determining the BCS, it's own self-fulfilling prophecy. With the Penn State scandal making the game no fun off the field, the last thing the game needs is another huge BCS controversy.

So please, LSU and Oklahoma State- make this simple for everyone and just win the rest of your fucking games pretty please?!

We finish with our poll. Be looking for something non-football related soon. -kw-

1. LSU
2. Oklahoma State
3. Oregon
4. Alabama
5. Oklahoma
6. Arkansas
7. Clemson
8. Houston
9. Stanford
10. Virginia Tech
11. Boise State
12. Georgia
13. Kansas State
14. Wisconsin
15. South Carolina
16. Southern Miss
17. Michigan State
18. Michigan
19. Nebraska
20. Baylor
21. TCU
22. Virginia
23. Notre Dame
24. Georgia Tech
25. Illinois (FOR THE LOLZ)